Compost Studios

Another four hour marathon trying to get my son through his homework. His sister was at Brownies and then went on to soccer after dinner, the house was quiet and free of distractions, and he was getting his homework done at a glacial pace. Or should I say “not getting it done” at glacial pace? Both are true.

I vacillate between thinking his behavior is his choice and wondering whether he really can’t focus. On his own, at home, he will often conceive of and execute detailed step by step projects, but at school this year he’s perpetually disengaged. Even if I’m packing his backpack for him, tracking his assignments, setting a study schedule, and sitting at the table with him, he cannot get a single day’s work done on time. I haven’t felt this strung out and frustrated since he was a toddler and his sister was a baby, and I know it hasn't been easy for him either.

We’d told ourselves we wouldn’t have him tested until he displayed attention-deficit symptoms for six months, but I don’t think we can wait that long. He’s not getting better. Any improvements in his grades are entirely from our efforts, not his. I can’t follow my son through life organizing his stuff, sharpening his pencils, and babysitting him so that he’ll do the work nearly every other kid in his class does on their own.

From what I’ve read, ADHD has a strong genetic component—and this makes me laugh. God has a sense of humor giving us a child who can't/won't stay on track because we are seriously anal retentive parents. In school, I worked hard, did well, and was always on top of things. I was the annoying nerd who finished her papers the day before they were due. My husband, who grew up around the world attending various types of schools, struggled in college but earned an engineering degree. He has amazing organizational skills, is more attentive to detail than Martha Stewart, and multi-tasks like nobody’s business.

No surprise then that we have been meticulous parents, trying to do everything right. I charted everything I ate during pregnancy, nursed my son until he was over a year old, took classes in child development, fed him organic food, taught him to love books, provided a life completely free of TV or computer games, and waited until he turned six to send him to kindergarten.

While there were occasional rough patches in school, none were long or alarming. Quiet and well behaved, my son normally operated under the teacher’s radar. He went to a private school that was very structured and traditional. But in fourth grade, his first full school year here in Belgium, he started to slide. His grades fell even as his reading scores put him on the high school level. The gap between his report card grades and his standardized test scores widened. His desk was immediately recognizable in the classroom because it was a MESS. I wondered what was going on: Was it the overcrowded classroom? His instructor’s teaching style? Laziness? Lack of maturity? The more dynamic and less structured school environment?

Whatever the cause of last year’s difficulties, I can’t deny that even with a different teacher and different classroom, we’re worse off than ever before. Sure he is smart, intuitive and creative, but apparently he cannot or will not keep up with his classmates. Day after day after day, he fails to record his assignments, bring home what he needs, or explain what he did in class. Homework normally takes hours—partly because he’s protesting having to do it, partly because everything he was supposed to complete in class comes home with him too.

His teacher tells me he is not disruptive but spends his time daydreaming or reading during class. When I question him about it, sometimes he says he’s bored in school and “there’s too much talking and not enough doing,” sometimes he says he just can’t concentrate, sometimes he tells me what he’s taught is “pointless” or “baby stuff” he knows already (though he doesn’t demonstrate he knows it), sometimes he's distracted by a book he’s reading or game he’s been playing and can’t get it out of his mind and focus on the task at hand.

What I can’t get out of my mind is that no matter how smart and creative you are, no matter what path you choose to follow, you have to be able to stay on task and manage your life to survive. Maybe he’s not ADHD, maybe he has some other problem. Maybe, God help us, he’s just hormonal. It would be nice to know.

October 3, 2006