Compost Studios

The other night I was looking for an address in my overloaded Rolodex and began weeding it, tossing out old cards and coming face to face with multiple questions about the nature of relationships.

People find their way into my personal Rolodex for many reasons. There’s not too much debate about whether to pull the cards of former co-workers or neighbors that I haven’t seen in ten or more years and don’t hear from except maybe at Christmas. Which makes me wonder, does just getting a Christmas card constitute a relationship? If so, when?

Is it ever OK to consider ditching family members? There are names in the Rolodex of relatives that I’ve lost touch with. Some I get a letter from every Christmas, others an impersonal card, others nothing at all. Some will respond to me if I initiate contact with them but that’s about it.

Are they just being polite? When do I stop carrying the burden of the relationship? Or when do I stop viewing making contact first with someone as carrying the weight of the relationship? Is that what it’s all about—keeping score, wondering whether someone still likes you? Is it adolescent to care who does what—or stupid to ignore obvious signs of disinterest?

The same dynamics apply to some old college friends—the ones that drop a few lines once or twice a year but never really SAY anything or tell me about their lives. Are they friends? Will we ever revive what we once shared or is it time to admit that our relationship sputtered to a dead end a long time ago and just throw their cards away?

Then there are those folks that have gone through some major life changes or hard times and drifted off despite my attempts to reach out to them and keep them in my orbit. Can I accept that some people are too busy? Are they too stressed to even deal with or acknowledge my attempts to lend support? Are they looking to make a fresh start and rely on a new network of friends? Should I leave them alone or keep reaching out?

Weeding the Rolodex or trimming the Christmas card list painful because it involves dealing with rejection, the passing of time, life changes, and some insecurities. What went wrong—if anything? Why have these ties frayed? Why do I hang on to some people and look for excuses to cut others out of my life? The desire to be realistic in my expectations is tempered by the need for connection, not just to people but to times in my life.

In the end, after tossing out a stack of cards, I go back through the remaining ones I’m struggling with and simply turn them around so they face the wrong way. In essence, I'm putting them on hold. Turning the cards over is my way of acknowledging our failure to connect with one another right now while keeping a place in my life for them to return to.

November 6, 2006