1. On a tag attached to a $50 purse manufactured by Esprit:

This item is made of fake nubuk. If it gets wet, the color may transfer to textiles. This is not considered a grounds for complaint.

Translation: You’re spending $50 on a fake leather purse that will stain your clothes the first time you get caught in the rain. Hey Stupid, don't make me say you weren't warned.

2. Belgians love frites ( fries) and potato chips. The snack aisles in the grocery stores are full of every imaginable variety of potato chips--BBQ, paprika, dill pickle, vinegar, onion, sour cream—but even in the biggest super stores, you can’t buy a bag of pretzels in any shape or form.

3. Printed on the back of a bag of sugar-free Jelly Bellies:

“Warning—consumption may cause stomach discomfort and/or laxative effect.”

Translation: This candy will make you fart—or worse. Do not consume before long car rides, job interviews, dates, or a visit to the gym.

These are not sold in Belgian stores but they are sold at the American Embassy. If Americans have an image problem abroad, we can blame it on the (jelly) beans.

4. An ad seen almost daily on my Yahoo home page proclaims:

“You can live and work in the U.S.A!”? (Well, DUH! Been there, done that!)

“You’ve been pre-approved to participate in the U.S. Government Green Card Lottery” (U.S. Government Lottery? So what do people have to do—buy a scratch card or pick six? This could be an international money maker!)

“Get a Green Card that lasts a lifetime” (Hey, even my driver’s license is only good for a few years. I think non-citizens are getting a better deal—or they’re dying shortly after arriving in America.)

Being a good American capitalist, I’m investigating whether I can lease my U.S. citizenship to someone else until I move back to America in 2008, just in time to elect a new President.

5. V-Grrrl climbs into bed and realizes E-Man has her favorite pillow. Ever the demure and compliant wife, she hollers, “Hey! You’ve got my pillow! Pillow thief! I don’t know WHY I love you. The outrage! (Sigh) I can see I’m going to have to find myself a new husband.”

E-Man replies without looking up from his book: “Good luck.”