Did I watch the Oscars? Of course not. Do I have something to say about them? Of course I do. Since I never get to see the movies until they’re released on DVD, the Oscars for me are all about fashion. So here’s my expert commentary on the red carpet winners and losers. (Check out the photo gallery at Yahoo.)

Keira Knightley deserves an award for best hair and makeup. The smoky dramatic eyes, the subtle cheeks and lips, and the loose ponytail were just perfect for her. The burgundy over one shoulder dress by Vera Wang was just OK. The sapphire, emerald and ruby necklace was pure glamour.

Karolina Kurkova should earn top honor for her GLOW. With her shiny hair, luminous makeup, radiant smile, and shimmery gown, she was as golden as Oscar himself.

Jen Aniston needs a new hair style. The long, flat, center-parted and hanging-in-your-face look doesn’t belong at the Oscars. It’s too homeroom. Liked her gown though. It managed to be formal and yet channel a subtle bohemian vibe.

Jane Seymour in her cream-colored, body hugging satin dress—Hon, those sorts of gowns are so unforgiving. After a certain point in life, you need to leave them for someone else to wear. Really.

Uma Thurman had a great gown and bad makeup. She looked like she had pink eye.

Rachel Weisz earns kudos for the best updo. That loosely French braided style was perfect with her profile, classic and not uptight.

JLo’s kiwi green gown was a welcome dose of color, sexy and elegant. Thumbs up. It’s a relief that JLo has abandoned her skanky Jersey girl dresses. I think Mariah Carey bought them all at a Beverly Hills garage sale and has co-opted the look.

Michelle Williams gown, the color of French’s yellow mustard, initially made me cringe. But the more I studied it, the more I liked it. She even managed to pull off the red lipstick with it.

Not so Jane Russell, who must be in her 80s. Lord, someone should have sent her back into the dressing room to wipe off the red clown lips—heinous.

And Lisa Rinna’s lips look like pink slugs on steroids. No more collagen injections—please.

Charlize Theron’s dress looked like something out of the Star Wars costume closet. There she is, queen of the not-too-dark side.  It was like she'd been wrapped in a piece of charcoal ribbon and tied up like a package.

Nicole Kidman looks like a ghost of her former self. Too thin, too pale, too blonde, too beige, too much botox—she looks lifeless.

Comments anyone?