Shocked. Relieved. Unconcerned. Resigned. Anxious. Pissed. The whole (hole!) heart thing has me wondering. Part of me is relieved to learn what may be causing my heart arrhythmia, part of me is angry that this wasn't discovered when I first complained of heart issues five years ago, part of me is happy that maybe this can be fixed and I can finally get off medication, part of me is freaked out that I might have surgery on my heart and still have atrial fibrillation afterwards.

I called my cardiologist and discovered she's out of the office until October 9, my regular doctor had not seen the test results yet so I lack a lot of information. I have an appointment with the cardiologist on the day she gets back; my other doctor said not to worry because if I've made it this far in life with a hole in my heart, chances are it's not too serious. She'll call me if there's anything in the report I need to know before meeting with the cardiologist.

I don't have any details yet on the size of the hole, its exact location, or my treatment options. I've spent hours online reading about atrial fibrillation and holes in the heart. What I really want to know is if the hole in my heart is the cause of my arrhythmia or another heart issue to deal with. While the thought of surgery is scary, the idea of having a problem with a concrete solution is a relief. If the two conditions are unrelated, it probably means more monitoring and medication and possibly new symptoms over time--which is more than a little discouraging.

Holes in the heart are the most common congenital heart defect. Now that I know I have one, all sorts of incidents stand out in my mind. While I never fainted as a child or adult, I often felt like I was going to faint. I would get light-headed, see spots and the room darkening. I'd feel a hint of nausea and have to lie down immediately. My mom always attributed such episodes to "getting up too fast" or "standing too long." When I was an adult, I attributed those episodes to my very low blood pressure or getting too warm in a steamy shower.

When I was pregnant, I couldn't stand for more than 10 minutes without feeling faint. I couldn't go shopping, cook, or even wash dishes without taking frequent breaks. Even taking a shower was a problem. Beginning early in the pregnancy, I'd become breathless going up the stairs. Did my heart have something to do with those symptoms or were those just standard pregnancy conditions? I always thought it was normal, now I wonder.

On the other hand, I was a distance runner for years and have always exercised and never had an episode of feeling faint associated with exertion (though sometimes a flight of stairs can knock my heart out of rhythm now). I have had EKGs, ECGs, and stress tests and never showed a problem. My atrial fibrillation comes and goes and only if I'm carrying a heart monitor with me can I capture an episode for my doctor. It can last minutes or hours, be a fluttery feeling in my chest or a wild gallop. It first showed up in my late 30s, which according to the Mayo Clinic is the age adults who have not previously been diagnosed with a hole in the heart are most likely to exhibit symptoms--an irregular heartbeat being one on the list. Significant? Not significant? I don't know.

What I do know is that I probably won't get easy answers, even when I meet with the doctor, but that won't keep me from wishing for some.

Thank you for all the support, prayers, and good wishes,

V-Grrrl

September 21, 2006