Most people spend the first half of their life learning from their mistakes. I spent my youth doing my best not to make any mistakes.

And this approach, which made me the darling of my parents and my teachers, was a mistake in itself. In the process of always trying to get it right, do my best, and earn admiration, I squelched any impulse to try anything that I might not be great at and focused exclusively on playing to my strengths and keeping my life “under control.” If I wasn’t sure I could excel at it, I didn’t want to try it. That mentality ruled until my 30s.

Then I had kids—the ultimate game of risk. Jumping into parenthood after 13 years of marriage was the bravest, boldest thing I’ve ever done. From the moment my son decided to be born 7 weeks ahead of his due date, I knew that life thereafter would be more about reacting to circumstances rather than controlling them. It was  clear there wasn’t any fail-proof formula that could guarantee positive results in the parenting arena. I remembered the words of one of E’s uncles who said, “If my kids succeed, I won’t take the credit, and if they fail, I won’t take the blame.” I finally understood what he meant.

Moving to Belgium felt a lot like having a baby—months of preparation, unexpected results, lots of ups and downs, the ordinary made difficult, and then after six months or so, an emerging sense of balance and appreciation and excitement for what lies ahead.

Now that I’m roughly halfway through my stay here and feeling less off kilter, it’s time to stretch my boundaries again and challenge myself. I’m pushing myself to advance my skills in areas of life where I’m decidedly “average” or worse than average. From taking more photos to working on my French to once again practicing yoga, I’m trying to allow myself to do more of what I’m not that great at. I’m also trying to step more fully into the mundane domestic tasks I love to avoid: things like baking, cooking, and ironing.

I don’t expect to master all these skills and habits or to miraculously become Super Grrrl. I just want to try to make some changes and accept less than perfect results.  September feels more like a time for resolutions than January, a time to rise to challenges large and small, to alter expectations, to explore new territory, even if all that means is taking a few a small steps down the road less traveled. 

September 25, 2006