Dedicated to all those parents and teachers mightily trying to deal with the kids in their lives. Remember, for every problem there is a humorous solution! I bring you:
1. We’ve consulted our Shaman and agree with him that our son has too much Fire and Wind in his aura and not enough Earth. We’re having him sleep outside and adding iron to his diet to help him become more grounded. Can he sit under a tree during math?
2. Our macrobiotic nutrition counselor has detected an imbalance in his Yin and Yang. She recommends more brown rice (short grain, not long grain!), no fruit, and less acidic foods in his diet. Please notify the cafeteria.
3. We believe the reason our son doesn’t function well in the classroom is because he is the reincarnation of the Buddha. He is not in fact “daydreaming” when he stares off into space and ignores you, he is meditating and cleansing his mind of all you are trying to shove into his head. Don’t be offended—he cleanses his mind of what we tell him too! It’s not easy being The One—especially in Northern Europe where so few are traveling the Lotus Way .
4. We’ve evaluated the classroom and found the feng shui to be nightmarish. All that blocked energy—there is no flow! No wonder he’s not doing his schoolwork. I think school performance would be enhanced if his desk was turned to the northwest, the shades were raised, the clock moved to the opposite wall, mirrors strategically placed behind the teacher's desk, and some plants added to the back of the room. We are very concerned about all the damp energy emanating from the sink. Can that be taken out? You might also consider adding windchimes above the door. Ding a ling!
5. We practice acupuncture and know that a few needles inserted into his temples during third period will help him survive language arts. Can the school nurse help us with this? Of course we’d supply the needles—we don’t expect special treatment from the school, though I suppose we're entitled under the Americans with Disabilities Act. I'm just sayin...
6. My chiropractor says my son is maladjusted—but not in the way you think. His problem is concentrated at C3 and a few months of appointments should correct his neurological disturbances. He’s just having a little midbrain spasm right now--bear with us.
7. This is all diet related! After extensive testing, we’ve discovered he reacts to one of the sub-proteins in his morning oatmeal, and this is the root cause of his hatred of worksheets. You’ll be glad to know we’re switching to grits and you should see an immediate improvement!
8. We didn’t make it to Mecca this year and our cleric was kidnapped by insurgents. I can see the effect of this on my darling boy. Please know his behavior is not jihad against the forces of structured education, but just a bump on the road to lasting peace. Trust us, he loves totalitarian rule!
9. We’ve consulted our pastor and he thinks God is punishing you by placing our renegade son in your care. We are all praying for you, that you’ll see your faults, confess your sins, accept Jesus as your personal Savior and accept my son as the Cross you must bear on your way to heaven. Shall we bow our heads and pray?
10. His father and I have carefully reviewed our sons’ psychological test results and his personal history, and we don’t believe he has ADHD. Y’all, the ugly truth is that he’s just a part-time Pain in the Ass (a PITA!), and we’re thinking if you take a daily dose of Zoloft, you’ll be able to deal with it, though Valium might work better for some and estrogen-replacement therapy might be just the thing for others. Consult your doctors. Remember y’all, for every problem, there is a pharmaceutical solution!
Copyright 2006 Veronica McCabe Deschambault. All rights reserved. You may link to this entry or e-mail it to someone directly from this site by clicking Post Comment below. Thank you!
September 27, 2006