Christmas is over and as the grey days stretch into dark nights, E and I are working to get ready for our move. In mid-January, our lives will be tucked into boxes and crates, covered with shrink wrap, and begin their journey toward America. We’ll catch up with our belongings in mid-March when a gigantic truck parks in front of our new house.

E spent part of an afternoon trying on clothes, releasing hopes of fitting into old pants, and assembling a big bag of giveaways. He’s been winnowing through his stash of tools and household chemicals in the garage. He dedicated the better part of a day to backing up our hard drive and removing excess files and programs. The filing cabinets and desk drawers are next to be purged.

Some neighbors stopped by to look through our giveaway piles. It was sad to see our croquet set go. We’ve had a lot of fun as a family playing croquet in the yard here, but our new home sits on a wooded lot with every inch of land near the house landscaped with beds and greenery. No grass. No croquet.

I have toys set aside for the Wee Curly Grrrl at Di’s, clothes set aside for charity, games set aside for an orphanage, books stacked up for the Boy Scout book sale, and electrical appliances and accessories set aside for Expat-CIT who will arrive here in January. I’ve been unpacking items that are currently packed in boxes so the movers can put them in sturdy new boxes. I have mountains of Tupperware, stacks of dishes, and enough mugs to serve coffee to the whole neighborhood—and this is after getting rid of some stuff earlier this fall.

Still despite all the evidence that our life here is ending and change is in the air, the reality hasn’t hit me yet. E is engaged mentally with the move on a dozen levels but my brain is processing information in slow motion. While he’s enjoyed his time here, he is eager to assume new responsibilities in his job near D.C. and put the bureaucracy he’s struggled with in Belgium behind him. My feelings are decidedly mixed. I look ahead to our new life and home with excitement AND trepidation. I’m eager to see old friends and be closer to family, there are places and things that I’ve missed, but I also live in fear of being smothered by an “ordinary” life in Virginia.

Being an expat has sometimes been frustrating or lonely, but it’s continually challenged me to think differently, live differently, experience the world from an entirely new perspective. I re-invented my life in Belgium, started this blog, discovered so much about myself, and thrived on being part of a diverse community while seeing Europe as both an outsider and as an insider. It’s been liberating to shake off all the expectations I had for myself and that others had for me and start over, to step outside my comfort zone and stretch my limits.

I don’t want to move back to Virginia and slip mindlessly into old routines and ways of thinking. I want to dwell in possibility and see my life and my self as works in progress. I don’t want anyone to chart a course for me. I want to travel through life without an itinerary. At this stage in my journey, I need to believe that I’m not done surprising myself, discovering new interests and talents, making new friends, embracing challenges, and finding new sources of wisdom and strength.

December 26, 2007