I admit it. Even though I'm a distinctly non-fashionable person in real life, I love to analyze the glamorous gowns seen on award shows.

After a quick click through Wire Image's red carpet photos on Yahoo, here's a snapshot of who scored and who didn't:

Reese Witherspoon never looked better in her life. The smooth yet slightly tousled blonde hair, the smoky eyes, the deep purple gown with its graduated shading and irregular hem conveyed confidence and glamour in a backhanded fashion. She looked impossibly sexy, and she's not someone I ever expected to pull that look off.

Nicole Kidman has morphed into someone who inspires an uneasy fear, like the White Witch in Narnia. She's too thin and too pale, her hair is too straight, and her face has been botoxed and surgically re-shaped until it has all the emotion and radiance of a plastic mask. Add the blood red dress and she just gives me the shivers--in a bad way.

Helen Mirren is who I want to be when I grow up. Elegant, beautiful, sexy, confident. I loved her gray hair, the fabulous beaded dress with the swishy skirt, her genuine smile and expressions. Plus the sight of REAL boobs and naturally sloping cleavage on the red carpet was refreshing.

Meryl Streep leaves me feeling so confused. A part of me admires the chutzpah it takes to show up at the Oscars in a kimono accessorized with chunky bohemian jewelry and post-menopausal bedhead. Is she making some kind of statement opposing the perfectly-turned-out character she played in The Devil Wears Prada? I don't know. Her talent is such that it seems a shame to quibble over her clothes; maybe she doesn't care but I  care. Meryl, you're the QUEEN, don't be afraid to shine a little!

JLo's unfortunate choice of a Grecian-style gown and country club bob took all the sizzle out of her Latina sex appeal. Sad. And every time I see a photo of Marc Anthony, I want to suggest a blood transfusion, IV, and some vitamins. He looks tubercular. Any second now, he's going to cough up blood.

Penelope Cruz's dress was so over the top, so va-va-voom. I didn't like the ballerina pink color and the fussy details yet I feel compelled to give it a thumbs up. She's Spanish and a former ballet dancer so a dress that is sweet yet spicy suits her.

And what's up with Cameron Diaz? She looks like she's going to the prom in that horrid white dress with the awkward portrait collar and freaky train. The messy hair and the orange tan--bleah! She has GOT to fire her stylist. Whoever is advising her on fashion, hair, and makeup is failing miserably. Come on, if you can't make Cameron Diaz look good, you ought to be working as an engineer or something!

Gwyneth Paltrow looks like a WASP-y version of Morticia on the Addam's family. In other words, I think she'd make a good date for Marc Anthony!

Beyonce is so beautiful, so radiant, so glamorous in an understated way, she deserves the best Oscar for styling. She is ALL THAT and pulled her look together perfectly.

And me, in my jeans, turtleneck, and down vest, I'm rockin the keyboard and glad no one cares (or knows) what bloggers wear.

February 26, 2007