We rolled out of bed at 6 a.m. this morning so we could hit the road early and slide down I-95 for very early dentist appointments. Do we know how to have fun on vacation or what?

E flossed his teeth for the first time in months, I brushed thoroughly, and the kids confessed to feeling queasy about their checkups. Four exams, four cleanings, a few x-rays and $614 later, we exited the dentist's office. It was only 9 a.m. That left us an hour to grab coffee and bagels and read the newspaper before my 10 a.m. eye exam.

I didn't get out of the optometrist's until noon--and we still needed to pick out glasses. We went to the mall so I could hit Lenscrafters because I wanted the instant gratification of same-day optics. This was the moment I'd been waiting for. I've been desperate for new glasses for months, frustrated by all I couldn't see, and entranced by the idea of getting hip new frames. Europeans wear such sleek, modern glasses that I felt dowdy in my classic half-rims.  I was also sick of dealing with the stacks of cheap, ill-fitting drugstore readers that I'd accumulated while waiting to get new glasses.

The Lenscrafter chick understood that while I'm fat and 45, I haven't surrendered all notions of coolness. Y'all know that after a certain age a woman is only as good as her best accessories--which is why middle-aged women love shoes, bags, and glasses.

While I like the idea of bold plastic frames, they just don't work for me. When I put the chunky square ones on, I look like Woody Allen (pervert!). When I put the round ones on, I look like Edith Bunker (doormat!)  I needed to forget plastic frames and find something not quite square because I have a square face, but not quite round, because that screams granny. My new prescription is for bifocals and the lens needed to be big enough to accommodate progressive lenses.

I found a pair of half rims by Adrienne Vitadinni that had a pinkish bronze metal frame on top and lenses with a hint of a cat-eye shape. Subtle and flattering. The second set of frames I favored had a rich purple metal frame and sidepieces and a a slightly angular shape. I loved them. The purple was an unexpected punch of color but not overwhelming, the shape modern without being too edgy, and the rimless bottoms blended into my face. Predictably, these were expensive frames: Versaces. They cost way more than the other ones.

My practical side told me to get the Adrienne Vitadinni's--they would go with everything and not make too much of a statement. But my inner Grrrl loved, loved, loved the flair of the purple Versace's.  That Grrrl kept telling me that every two years I get new glasses and every two years I forego fashionable glasses for the same basic style--conservative, classic frames. It was time for a change--and it was time to quit skimping on something I wear EVERYDAY.

So I ordered strong readers in the Versace's and had the other frames written up for bifocals. At the last minute, I thought, "Hey, why should I only wear my cool purple glasses when I'm home alone doing art or reading a book? This is wrong! Those royal Versace's deserve to be seen!" So I switched my order--getting the "quiet" pair of frames set up as readers and the bolder pair as bifocals.

The readers were ready in an hour, and when I put them on, the first thing I noticed when I looked in the mirrow was that the 100 degree temperatures in Virginia had melted my makeup and it was all caked up in my pores. EWWWWW! Gross! I'd probably been walking around looking like that for hours. I grabbed a napkin and wiped my face off.

Then I admired my new readers and rubbed my hands together dreaming of those Versace's. And yes, you can bet when they come in next week, I'll be posting photos of them peched on a not-so-greasy nose.

July 9, 2007