Bone tired after a week of emotional ups and downs and confusion. Here's what's been going on:
We closed on our house last Friday after poring over an enormous stack of documents, ironing out details via international phone calls, and locating an American notary in Belgium to witness our signatures on the Friday before a holiday weekend.
The momentary relief of having signed the papers was overshadowed by the realization we won’t even get to see our house again until we move in in March. Instead of elation, I felt a little disappointed. The entire transaction had a surreal quality to it, like marrying someone that you’ve only known for a week.
And then late Friday afternoon, just as I had overnight guests arriving for my son’s 12th birthday party, a situation erupted in my personal life that left me feeling deeply upset and very confused. I had inadvertently caused a lot of grief and damage in someone’s life via e-mail, and I felt shattered by that knowledge.
My emotions were all over the place, but the ache in my chest and the nausea in my stomach were constant. I spent a sleepless night wrestling with my thoughts, alternately deeply saddened by what had happened and very angry, blaming myself and then blaming others, and just hating the position I was in, forced into silence to avoid even more collateral damage.
During that long night, all I could see was how I set myself up for these types of situations by opening myself up emotionally and through my writing, by welcoming people into my heart and my life. I felt stupid and naïve, believing in good intentions and the idea that love given is never wasted, believing that while some of my friendships may fade, they wouldn’t ever end with a BANG.
As I tossed and turned Friday night, my blog came to represent all the ways I overexposed myself, all the ways I proceeded without caution into relationships, all the ways I set myself up to be hurt by sharing too much too honestly. I started to see myself not as a person but as a commodity being consumed and used. I was simply what was stored in The V File. In my darkest moment, I felt like a whore giving something precious away to anyone that came and looked for it. That may sound crazy to y'all, but it made sense to me in my heightened emotional state.
Early Saturday morning, I set to the task of shutting my blog down and removing the archives until I could sort through all the conflicting feelings swirling through my head and churning in my stomach. I didn’t want to write another word, and I didn’t want to have my words exposed, open for dissection, discussion and argument. I just wanted to disappear and leave no trace, to retreat somewhere where I felt safe and where I would cause no further harm. I worried about the people I had hurt and how their circumstances were unfolding. I was distraught.
Then the e-mails from y’all started arriving; Peter’s was the first. While I was still too shaken to coherently describe what happened and what it meant to me, y’all reached out to me with kindness, concern, and support. Without even knowing the nature of my “crisis,” you offered the very thing I had withdrawn: carefully chosen words that made me smile and made me cry as I read them over and over again. Your words convinced me not to shut down the blog completely, even if I felt too blocked to write, even if I wasn’t sure what I would want to post in the future. Peter argued persuasively to restore the archives, and E agreed completely with him.
It’s been hard for me to find my voice and come to the keyboard this week. I conceive posts and abort them. I’m operating in the fog of insomnia and just feeling mentally depleted, choosing to plug into my iPod and put my energy and emotion into my art journal instead. I'm not sure where I'm heading with this site. As I gain some distance from last week’s events, I’m getting a more balanced perspective. I’m not angry anymore and I’m done with self flagellation. I am who I am; I can't be the person who keeps everything inside. Still I remain disappointed and saddened by the situation I'm in, but also hopeful that somehow all parties involved will come to a peaceful, not painful, place--together or apart.