Art journal

the prompt: what are you afraid of? really afraid of?

i'm afraid:

i will turn into a shapeless dumpling

of the day i won't be able to go out walking in the woods

the meds won't work

i will never be loved that way again

i will never love that way again

i've fallen off the pedestal he put me on years ago

i will hide behind khakis, loafers, my address, his income

i will be silenced

people will discover i'm not so smart after all

i'll stop sharing the truth of who i am

i'm a fool for sharing the truth of who i am

i'll be forgotten by people i want to remember me

i'll never again be held just for the sake of being held

i'll never be able to support myself

i've lost my faith

i will never see you again

and never get over it

i'll travel to the end of my life still hungry

with no one to hold my hand. 

What are you afraid of?

May 4, 2008

Comments

[apathy lounge]

Of never finding my realy purpose in life. Of losing my children. Or my husband. Of finding out that I never appreciated what I had when I had it until it was gone. I losing my mind and remaining strong in body...or the other way around.

[Peter]

Probably losing those I care about most.

I've had a rough ride the past months due to medical issues involving my s/o, with an ever growing no-show list of people I considered to be friends.

[crazymumma]

Much the same as you. But the worst for me would be anything bad happening to my children.

Funny how this sounded like a prayer. The cadence maybe?

[impy]

Peter, I am not your friend, but I wish I was. And I would be there. Always.

[V-Grrrl]

i miss you peter.

and impy is a good friend--even to those she's never met. : )

and yes, losing my husband or children would empty me-- for this prompt though, i didn't write about the big fears that are easy to express (and admit) but looked for the ones i had trouble acknowledging, even to myself. it made me cry. and it made me glad i'd done it.

[Tera]

I also fear ending up alone. Marriage is a struggle, with gentle moments thrown in for good measure. What if he gets sick of those struggles? How will I ever face my life and all that comes with living without him? How can I explain it to my kids? And how will I pay for it all? I better keep working to make some more gentle moments. I don't want to lose him. Or the stability my children have.

I am also afraid of crashing. It's a panic attack like thing I have going on. I get in the car and imagine every single bad thing that could happen, and what I would do in the situation...right down to the funeral...yes, I probably do need mental help ;-0

[Expat-CIT]

Fear has snuck up on me over the past two years. It seems to have crept in and cut me off from the person I was. All of a sudden, I find I am fearful in the most benign situations. Tera, you are not alone in creating disaster scenarios - guess we both need the help! :) Do you think it has something to do with the fact that we are constantly bombarded by horrific information every day? Too much to deal with, I find. If I am honest with myself, the thing I fear the most is that I have lost my youthful hope and happiness, and it is never going to return.

[Granola-grrrl]

I love this post for its honesty, vulnerability and bravery; thank you for sharing it... many of mine are the same as yours. I would add that I am afraid that I do not have the self-motivation to do the things I say I can do.

[Amber]

These things you say are so profound. I wish you didn't fear these things. You are a good person, and it seems like good people whould not have fear. if only the world worked like that, huh?

I fear dying young, and leaving my children in the world without me. That has become my biggest fear.

:)

[Jack]

I am afraid that I have lost the ability to share my thoughts/fears with others.

[Shirley]

So many fears expressed here are ones we all share I think. Losing our loved ones, leaving our loved ones ... fears that we usually keep at bay until we see family and friends go through such losses and the fear gets closer and more real. I have really been working on thinking on the outcome I want and minimizing the fear, but my biggest fear is not DOING. I see myself planning/thinking about doing more than the actual doing as I age and I don't like it. So, I guess my biggest fear is not being able to step out of my comfort zone to do and achieve things I feel strongly about and, therefore, be who I need to be.

[littlepurplecow]

I hope you find your faith, V. It helps to carry me through my fears.

[wendy]

God.How I love this post. I am afraid that their are no easy answers.

You are a brave woman.

[J]

This is amazing, honest, and universal. Love it. Thank you.