Sex and the 40something-Year-Old Woman

My friend Mike said that V-Grrrl in the Middle sounds like a heading for a kinky sex Web site. Mike—I’m so surprised you would say that. (NOT!). Raise your hand if you share Mike’s ménage á trois fantasy—y’all can hook up on some other Web site later, all right. Leave me alone.

My idea of a threesome in bed is me and two oversized pillows (one between my thighs! Ooh la la!) My favorite bedroom fantasy involves sleeping for ten hours straight and waking up without wrinkles. Sorry to disappoint--I don’t see my virtual alter ego literally wedged between “The Graduate” and the Medicare patient in a room with mirrors on the ceiling and a Web cam in the corner (All together now: EWWW!), but hey, we CAN talk about sex if you really want to (laugh). So here’s today’s hot topic:

Why Moms are So Sexy, or Tabitha Hotlips Opens the Door

Tabitha Hotlips answered the door in a wet white t-shirt. The baby had slept through another feeding and her cups runneth over. She greets the UPS man with a coy smile and a husky “Hello there! Have you got something for me?” (Her voice is raspy from yelling at the kids all morning.)

“Ooh! A big package! I haven’t seen a man with a big package at my door in too long,” she exclaims.

Just then her three-year-old breaks away and steps in a pile of dog poop in his dash to the street.

Tabitha follows, her damp bosom heaving as she sprints with a 15-pound baby on her hip, her powerful loins leaping over the dog doo in a single bound. She grabs her son, looks into the UPS man’s eyes and says breathlessly, “Men! I just want to tie them up! They’re so dirty, so naughty.”

Her cheeks flushed with excitement, she signs the clipboard as the UPS man mops the sweat from his upper lip. She grabs his package and says, “Come back any time.”

September 1, 2005