When the fog won't lift...

Yesterday morning I woke up to a dark world blanketed in a heavy wet fog. The streetlights cast hazy orange halos as I walked E-Grrrl and Mr. A to the bus stop in the damp cold. I was braced for a bitter, gray day.

Then the sun rose, determined to shuck off the fog, and slowly but surely, it prevailed. Mid-morning and we had blue skies, wisps of white cloud, and the thin clear light you only see in winter.

But at lunch all the color drained out of the world when a friend of mine shared horrifying news: a young woman she knew had committed suicide and taken her children with her by running the car engine in the closed garage of their home. Her husband was in Iraq. She had a young infant and a toddler, and I’m guessing she had post-partum depression too.

Trying to absorb the news, I wanted to cry. I wanted to wail and beat my chest like a character in a movie. I wanted to shake my fist at the heavens. I wanted to make time go backwards. I didn’t know this woman, but I’ve been treated for depression and seen how far it can take your from yourself and everyone you love. I know how hopeless depression feels. I also know it can be beat if you get help.

I understand this woman was a bright, vibrant personality who really strived to be successful in her life, and this doesn’t surprise me. Depression has many faces. Unlike in the movies, every depressed person isn’t a brooding, greasy-haired basket case who stays in a darkened room with buzzing flies and a growing pile of dirty dishes.

The face of depression is more often clean and well groomed. It’s not necessarily huddled in a corner but out in the world--getting groceries, going to the bank, dropping off and picking up kids, attending church, celebrating holidays, showing up at work. Depressed people make heroic efforts to live a life that looks normal, and while they may be slow moving, they aren’t weak. It takes incredible will to get through the day when all you want to do is sleep. It takes incredible strength to live when every cell of your body is saying “Die.”

Depression can happen to anyone at any time in any place. Sure, sometimes traumatic events trigger episodes of depression, but more often than not there isn’t a “reason” to be depressed other than screwed up brain chemistry. Untreated depression can kill people, destroy families, ruin careers, hurt children. It can lead to dependence on alcohol and drugs, and invite a whole slew of social problems into a life, into a home.

If you know someone who seems to be perpetually

• flat-lining,
• dragging through their days,
• either sleeping a lot or plagued by insomnia,
• retreating from people and activities they’ve always loved,
• complaining of feeling overwhelmed,
• acting either overly emotional or displaying no emotion at all, or
• suddenly gaining or losing weight

please urge them to see a doctor. Offer to call and make the appointment for them, drive them to it if you have to, follow up with them when it’s over, stick with them until they feel better.

Be persistent because when someone is depressed, they don’t have the energy or emotional resources to help themselves. For me the mark of depression is inertia, the inability to set things in motion. That’s one factor that makes it so, so hard to get help. Because depression can creep up gradually, it can be hard to remember what life was like before it came to stay. Depressed people don’t always realize they’re depressed, and only their loved ones can remind them of what life was like before they became ill.

If you’re the person with the symptoms, please know you’re not alone, it’s not your fault, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and you CAN feel better, be happy, enjoy your life again.

Don’t disappear into the fog. Don’t give up. Do get help. Truly, it’s just a phone call away.

Copyright 2006 Veronica McCabe Deschambault. All rights reserved. www.v-grrrl.com

December 1, 2006

Comments

[mamalujo1]

Mine manifested itself by turning me into a condescending asshole to those closest to me. Thank God my wife was tough enough to call me on it. It still scares me to death sometimes, and I hope never literally. Depression is tough, like you say. I think of it like AIDS of the mind. Like HIV attacks and uses the very immunity mechanisms that work to keep our bodies healthy, depression attacks and co-ops the mental faculties that are most needed to combat those assaults.

I wish I could blog like you. And thanks for reading me too.

[Shirley]

Thanks for this excellent advice and the facts on depression. I am so very sorry for your friend and her loss and the loss of that woman and her children to her husband, her family, the world ... I suffered from postpartum depression myself. I went from being this totally competent person to feeling totally helpless instead. Everyone expects you to be this wonderfully happy person because you have just had this beautiful baby and in a perfect world all mothers would be, but it is not the case very often. The hormonal issues, the absence of sleep, the lack of knowledge about taking care of an infant (it’s just not the same as what you read in books or lean in a class), the conspiracy of silence from other mothers and the media about how difficult this time period can be … it is so overwhelming. I only had one child and the support of my husband and family, so my situation was mild in comparison to this woman's and so many others, but to remember how badly I felt, I can't comprehend the depth of their desperation—the pain and the darkness.

Sometimes we back off from friends who are “down” or only push to a point due to respecting their privacy, etc., but you are so right, we need to keep pushing. I lost a friend, who was also my former boss, to suicide almost 2 years ago. I still miss him terribly. He became my former boss when he and his family relocated to a state two thousand miles away. We kept in touch, but more on a quarterly basis. He committed suicide the same way your friend's friend did, but his family was away visiting relatives out of state at Christmas time. Another friend chatted with him online just hours before he killed himself. She knew his state of mind by their conversation. Then she got an "Away" message with a crying face emoticon that said "In the garage." However, it returned to a normal "Away" message shortly after that. She kept trying to contact him by phone and by email, but stopped short of calling the police to check on him. I know she has struggled with terrible guilt from not making that call. He was not found until he did not show up to work the following work day and his boss called the police to check on him. (For him not to show up at work was unheard of.) I'd like to think that if I had spoken to him during that time, I would have been more persistent, but I don’t know … I still think of him all the time and still think what a tragedy his suicide was to all who loved him and I grieve for him and the absolute depths of his torment. Just the thought of such pain makes me hurt.

By the way, depression is a very common symptom of celiac, but the connection is not often made. (So few doctors are knowledgeable about celiac.) Anyone who experiences depression, especially seriously enough to take medication, should be tested for celiac.

[Lynn]

I'm really worried about a friend whose husband was killed in Iraq. She and her son, a pre-schooler, are really struggling. I know they're working with therapists but I have nighmares that I'll get a phone call and something horrible will have happened. Another friend and I are doing what we can from long-distance to stay connected and to try to keep her grounded.

[TB]

What an awful story and made even worse to think it could have been prevented. PPD can hit anyone, as can depression and having dealt with it myself as well as currently dealing with a loved one suffering from both, this hits close to home.

[Char]

What a powerful post. My thoughts and prayers go out to this woman's family. Having a spouse in Iraq while trying to keep life normal for the kids is a really tough job. Been there, done that. Have friends currently in the situation.

If you know anyone in this situation, keep them involved, offer support, take the kids for the afternoon, check in with them regularly.

If you are in this situation (or similar) don't be afraid to ask for help. Carve out time for yourself on a regular basis and let the minor details slide.

[Mary]

Thanks for sharing. I've had my own cyclical struggle in the past with moderate depression and times when just the actual events of life were so overwhelming I needed to talk to a professional to sort things out.

It is important to talk about this stuff.

I will pray for the husband and other family of the woman and children who died.

[Jenny]

What a wonderful post. So important. I've been treated for depression and anxiety and it was so hard to admit I needed help. People like you speaking out and encouraging others to look at the signs can really make a difference.

Thank you.

[Ortizzle]

Very well written and thought-provoking. The story of that poor woman is so very tragic, and it makes you wonder how many others are out there silently crying for help, but feeling too helpless and hopeless to be able to do anything about it. Thanks for sharing the warning signs.

[Cheri]

Thank you for writing so elequently on this subject. My son suffers from depression. The cycle is heartrending for everyone involved. It's so difficult to know what to do. My son lives with me and is unable to work because of the panic attacks he suffers from. He is ashamed of his life; the fact that he doesn't work, that he lives at home, that he doesn't have the 'things' typical young men of his age have acquired. He doesn't want to accept his illness and I have the feeling he believes it will 'make it all too real' if he acknowledges his need for help. He thinks he can 'fix' himself and no matter how much I push he has, so far, not sought help. Part of the tragedy is that he is a wonderful, smart, funny, sensitive person that has so much to offer and he doesn't even know it.

[Kim]

Thanks so much for shining the light on one of the worst illnesses mankind can suffer. I call it cancer of the soul. I have been so very ill with depression myself and I thought you described your experience so eloquently. Keep shining your beautiful light and I hope everyone that reads your article with pay it foward by helping to erase the stigma and shame attached to depressive illness.