The Bitch is Back

Tough morning. I had a middle of the night battle with insomnia, waking at 3 a.m. and lying in bed with the purring cat and snoozing husband until the 6:30 a.m. alarm signaled the start of another day.

This is my second night of insomnia. The first night I thought I was tossing and turning because I’d indulged in some caffeine during the day. But after a day of drinking wishy-washy decaf tea, I spent another night with my eyes shut and my mind wide open.

Around 5 a.m., I realized what the problem was. Shuffling down the stairs, I grab my “Female Calendar of Doom” and sure enough, here I am in the black, soon to be in the red.

Talk about a vicious cycle. The insomnia empowers my inner bitch and makes me act as badly as I feel. These are the days of sweatpants, salt, and pizza cravings. My stomach is as puffy and squishy as a Ziploc full of water, and my eyes are pink and squinty with the sleep-deprivation, water-retention blues. I see backaches and/or headaches on the horizon and some serious sofa time in the short-term forecast. Dark chocolate and a few episodes of “Friends” will probably be required this weekend.

The older I get, the more my hormones slap me around. And the more they slap me around, the more I resent them for making me feel like a caricature of a real woman. My inner FemiNazi wants to pin the PMS bitch to the wall, get in her face, and then send her packing because she’s such a WHINER.

But the PMS bitch is bigger, stronger, and packing some attitude. She won’t let some high-minded FemiNazi deny she’s in charge. This is HER WEEK and the best thing to do is stay the hell out of her way. But before you go, bring her a Coke, will you. Like NOW--how many times does she have to ask? No, she doesn’t want the decaf! Haven’t you been listening to what she’s been saying? Just bring the Coke. Geez! What the hell is wrong with you? And where’s the freakin’ straw?

© 2006 Veronica McCabe Deschambault. All rights reserved.

February 28, 2006

Comments

[Granola-grrrl]

I was just there last week: bloated, not sleeping, and way beyond grumpy. Add sore breasts to that and we have a real party of a week! And yes, it's getting worse the older I get. I should feel better this week, but I'm still pissed at my PMS bitch for making me feel so rotten and hiding my libido in some dark corner where I couldn't find it.

Whine with me: IT'S NOT FAAAAAAAAIIRR!!

[Shirl Grrrl]

I'm right there with ya, V-Grrrl! Second night of not sleeping, even with some OTC sleep aid. Killer headache all day Friday, to the point where I stayed in bed for almost 24 hours! Not sleeping, though! Yes, entering perimenopause is the pits and even being on the pill doesn't help anymore. I'm getting cramps for the first time in years and years. I can only imagine what the real menopause will be like and cringe. Where's that chocolate...grrrr....

[Arabella]

Ugh. I sympathize. Calcium helps lessen the symptoms of my PMS. As in, cheese and ice cream. :)

[Tonya]

Hey - you HAVE been assimilated if you are drinking that Coke out of the can with a straw! I never notice anyone in the States or, even up here in Canada, drinking pop out of a can with a straw. But in Europe or anywhere in the Middle East - you automatically get a straw with your Coke (or any of a multitude of Fanta flavors) and they think you are weird if you just swill it out of the can! : )

[Flubberwinkle]

The weird thing with my PMS body snatcher is that she suffers from multiple personality disorder. One month she's THE Bitch (you say it like it's a BAD thing), the other month she's the ultimate WIMP (sniff, sniff) and then she's the GRINNING LOONY WITH CHOCOLATE SMEARS over her face! I can't get her cycle down pat and warn others around me which personality will be invading. The last couple of years I've uncovered SOOOOOOO TIRED-BUMMED OUT, SHOOT ME NOW personality.

Have a nice Coca-Cola with THE STRAW DAMMIT week!

[Debbie]

Hormone cream. I don't know how old you are (Don't tell anyone but I am 42)but perimenopause can set in ten years before actual menopause. The progesterone cream is over the counter and has relieved a lot of the symptoms I was having like: insomnia, weight gain around my waist, hot flashes at night. Seems to have settled down my PMS too.

[TB]

There's nothing worse than insomnia when you're already being bitch slapped by your hormones. I hope you get some sleep and feel better soon, V-grrrl.

[Denice]

This is me today to a T- I have not had decent sleep for almost a week (sick child), I am a total irritable bitch - so much so, I can barely stand myself. I am bloated and to top it off, I binged on pizza for dinner...

I think we may need to be locked up for a couple of days a month (in a spa with alcohol and no kids, minimal light and don't forget the chocolate).

[Brooke's m-i-l]

Oh, you just wait for the menopause! You'll even find yourself thinking nostalgically of the good old PMS days! ;-D

But everything passes. Try Evening Primrose. And eat all the chocolate you want - say you have my permission ;-)

[Lynn]

Must the time of the month all over the world... Sigh... I was surprised at work!! Yea. Don't know if I can call it hot flashes yet, but I tend to run hotter than all the other females in my classrooms... I tend to crave fat and beef - give me a good Hardee's hamburger and fries and that will send my PMS bitch-self to the corner of the room for a little while!