Tom Cruise isn't the Only Guy in the Closet
February 6, 2006 at 5:04 All right you guys, I know you’re out there.
It’s time we had a talk.
Mike on the Bottom is convinced he’s the only man that reads V-Grrrl. But I know he’s not alone. The rest of y’all are just huddled in the closet, too nervous to leave a comment and be outed as a V-Grrrl-reading, pizza-eating, free- thinking, beer-drinking, non-stinking Man of the World.
All these many months, I’ve been talking, you’ve been listening, and I so appreciate that. But I also know you have things to say, and I want to hear from you. Y’all, I never intended for my comment section to look like a junior high dance with the grrrls in the middle of the floor and the guys lurking in the dim light on the fringes.
Men, it’s time for you to join the party! Create an online identity or use your real name. Don't be strong and silent. Boldly go where you’ve never gone before--this week resolve to click and comment!
More on this topic from Mike on the Bottom:
Ironic: I'm the Fly in Your Chardonnay
It’s 8 p.m. on Saturday and I’m putting our 4-year-old, Robbie, and our 2-year-old, Jay, to bed.
“Can you tell us a SpongeBob story, Daddy?” Jay pleads. “Can you tell us a SpongeBob story? Can you tell us a SpongeBob story, PLEAAASE?!”
“Um, OK,” I say.
“Daddy, DON’T tell the story!” a tuckered-out Robbie yells. “It’s 8 o’clock in the MORNING!”
And as I’m writing this, less than an hour later, our cat Fiona is trying to pry my hands off the keyboard.
Anyway, Robbie’s comment got me thinking about V-Grrrl and whether we even HAVE a reader who’s a guy? A gay male? A pre-operative transsexual, maybe?
I know the name of the blog is V-Grrrl in the Middle, but if it was called “ARRR the Pirate Boy,” I’m sure there would be some female readers.
Part of it is probably the same male insecurity that keeps guys from listening to the music of Jewel and Fiona Apple. I’m fans of both. Fiona the Cat is named after Fiona Apple, the music artist, who’s one of the best interviews I’ve ever had, and one of the nicest, most thoughtful people I’ve ever talked to. And we have another cat named Jewel, for the same reason. (As Jewel says, “My hands are small, I know/but they’re not yours, they are my own/they’re not yours but they are my own/And I am never broken.”)
And I guess part of it is that guys simply don’t read—unless it’s about sports.
So here’s a sports story that I hope will attract some male readers to V-Grrrl.
Years ago, I covered the Washington Redskins, so I know this story first-hand.
Kicker Mark Moseley used to ride to games with defensive lineman Dave Butz, a huge, scary-looking guy who was actually one of the kindest people on the team.
Butz, however, thought it was good luck to run over already dead animals on the road on the way to the game. This became a pretty big psychological deal for Dave.
Before one particularly big game, Mark didn’t want to take any chances on roadkill-luck-of-the-draw.
So Moseley found a dead squirrel. He put it in his freezer and froze it solid. Then he propped the petrified squirrel up on its hind legs on the route to RFK Stadium.
When Butz saw the squirrel, he smiled—and ran over it.
The Redskins won.
Writing for V-Grrrl’s all-grrrl audience, I feel very much like that frozen squirrel.
Michael Zitz Beckham, aka Mike on the Bottom, is a journalist, baseball coach, and FOVG (friend of V-Grrrl). She doesn’t want him to be the frozen squirrel on the road to success. 
Mike, a former music critic, introduced V-Grrrl to Jewel’s music years ago when he wrote about it. Here’s an adaptation of Jewel’s song Hands:
"These hands are small, I know, yeah/But I claim them for my own/I’ll help you bear your loads, yeah/We are never broken.”
February 6, 2006
Reader Comments (17)
I recently discovered some of Jewel's spoken word work, from her book "A Night Without Armor." I *really* enjoy it. I'm glad to know she is as cool as she seems. It's such a disappointment when celebrities turn out to be not-so-nice.
And just for the record, I actually have no idea who was in the Super Bowl yesterday. I read the news, but totally skip the sports.
We did keep a flying squirrel in our freezer for a few years. Our cat brought it back, it wasn't mangled, and it was a bit of an oddity. So we named him Rocky and brought him out for company on occasion, his little eyes frosted over... I'm fairly certain that gets me into the "Freak Club" and not the "Man Club," but oh well [heehee].
The blogosphere is SOOO interesting, but not nearly as interesting as my family tree. ; )
My parents had either a fox or a bobcat in their freezer for awhile. It belonged to my brother. And a good friend of mine had a puppy in her freezer for a good long time. She wanted to give the little thing a proper burial but didn't have time, so she stuck it in the freezer and then forgot about him. I tease her to this day about the frozen puppy. I don't think they took it out at parties, though.
I also read
http://www.acmphotography.com/cheeseweb2/cwblog/
and
http://womanwandering.blogspot.com/
To be honest, I rarely make comments on blogs or message boards, but I couldn't resist being first at something!
[Oops TB, that was my rewrite of the Jewel lyrics...Mike's a progressive guy, but I'm not sure he's "sweet." Only Lisa knows.... V-Grrrl]
The aptly named Manny puts all my American male readers to shame. : ) I'm impressed (and honored) you read the whole archive. It has over a hundred entries by now...
I'm intrigued that you were interested in reading what expats had to say about your home country. I've often tried to imagine how my corner of America would look and feel to a Belgian. That's a subject for a future expat essay--hmmm, maybe I'll write that one this week. Stay tuned!
I went to dinner tonight at Carraba's in Fredericksburg with a guy friend from work (and yes, we're JUST friends)... He ordered tiramisu (sp?) for dessert, and the waitress brought TWO FORKS!
Holy leotards, Batman!
Mike--I bet the waiter at Carabba's brought two forks for the tiramisu so your "manly" friend could eat with both hands. ; ) Hey, tiramisu is GOOD stuff. Who shares? V-Grrrl
I interviewed her long before that book was published and she was surprised that I had read a poem she had written in her mid-teens that talked about looking in the mirror and asking "Where has the angel gone?"
"What was that about?" I asked.
"Oh, the same things every teenage girl goes through," she said.
Keep up the good work, you have been very helpful in preparing us for many of Belgiums little secrets.
Mark
She's generally made out in the media to be a self-centered, crazy bitch--in my opinion, because most of the people who write about music are immature guys with twisted attitudes toward female performers.
When she was 18, she got up at the Grammys and told kids at home not to feel bad about themselves because they don't look like or have lives like the music artists at the award shows.
That image isn't real, she told the TV audience...
For this, she was eviscerated in the media.
The truth is that Fiona's actually a very kind, sensitive, sweet person who's been misunderstood and treated very unfairly. And she's one of the great talents in American music-- ever -- I think.
If you have any specific questions not covered by the expat sites, feel free to contact me.
And BTW, I have 10 pounds of "expat fat" looking for a new home...takers? ; )
Although proud of our shared heritage, I don't read this blog because I'm related to V-Grrl. Why does a guy have to be metro/bi/trans/anything-other-than-hetero-sexual to read a blog written by a woman?? I love good writing by a thoughtful author, which is increasingly hard to find in our noisy world.
I regularly wear a tool belt, use power tools, and fix cars. But I also enjoy shopping with my wife, reading poetry, and spending time in nature (without actually shooting at anything). Label me however you choose, but I am a man. And I proudly read V-grrl.
Now you've met some of the V-Guys!
And dude, they want you to share your tiramisu. : )
Fiona Apple will be a presenter on the Grammy Awards this Wednesday February 8th on CBS. So she's come full cirle from being ostracized for her (completely admirable) earlier statement telling kids not to feel bad because they weren't phony-baloney music artists...
She's nominated for "Best Pop Vocal Album: Extraordinary Machine"
The Redskins, that's football? Right? No, hockey...oh, I am so confused.