Reflections on the Lure of All that Glitters
February 8, 2006 at 4:37 My friend Vicky is remarkably low maintenance. When she came to Europe for a three-week visit last summer, she and her husband each carried a large backpack with all that they’d need so they’d have no luggage to check.
I was impressed. Every time I think I’m embracing simple living I realize how little I really know about simple living. I told Vicky I wouldn’t even consider using a piece of luggage without wheels, let alone something I’d have to carry on my back. I’m just not that kind of Grrrl.
I was thinking about Vicky today because she doesn’t wear a wedding ring. Yes, she has an engagement ring and wedding band, but she no longer wears them or any rings for that matter. She just doesn’t like jewelry.
In the last few years, I’ve often left my own modest diamond engagement and wedding rings behind and substituted a silver ring or a Native American band that E-Man gave me in its place. Those rings don’t snag on things while I’m cleaning, handling laundry, wearing gloves, searching for a coin in my jeans’ pockets, or running my fingers through my hair. Here in Belgium, married women generally wear a simple band on their right hands, so leaving my diamond behind seemed even less of an issue.
But recently I was at a gathering with a large group of American women and was struck by the unbelievable number of stunning diamond rings among them. Diamonds so large and flashy, they looked more like headlights than rings. Diamonds that dominated petite fingers and demanded to be noticed and admired. Diamonds swathed in gold and framed with even more diamonds. And hey, I admit it, I was impressed.
Suddenly my silver claddagh ring from the Museum of Modern Art felt less artistic and personal and more, well, small and plain. Was its plainness a symbol of confidence, practicality, and simple living--or something else altogether? Why doesn’t my original yellow-gold wedding set with the round diamond in a Tiffany setting and a design of vines and flowers on the band appeal to me much anymore?
I remember picking it out 25 years ago and in a moment of prescience, confiding to a friend that it was hard to choose a ring knowing it would be a choice you’d live with every day for the rest of your life!
Choosing my husband was easier.
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, there are ads everywhere for diamond rings. I find myself lingering over the newspaper inserts, clicking on online ads, and admiring the chunky white gold settings with the square-shaped princess-cut stones. Hmmm, wouldn’t it be nice to plant a three-stone ring on my left hand or a modern design on my right hand and make a new statement?
And then I consider the prices and wonder how I could ever justify the purchase of a piece of jewelry worth thousands of dollars.
Then I remind myself what we’ve spent on computer equipment in the past, and how a diamond is forever and will be passed on to my daughter and maybe even a grandchild. The computers, however, will end up in a recycling bin sooner rather than later.
But I couldn’t live without the computer.
Clearly I can live without diamond rings.
Time for a new approach to my dilemma.
Ah yes, here’s one. We sold our extra cars when we moved and the one car we do have, we bought used from E’s mother. We have a 24-inch ancient TV—a hand-me down! We don’t have cable or TiVO or any of that! I don’t own an iPod, a Blackberry, a video camera, or even a real stereo system. So what’s the big deal about coveting a new ring?
Here’s the big deal: I read a daily devotional book, and the day’s entry is about being responsible stewards of all that God has given us. Aaargh! I don’t want spiritual TRUTH, not after I’ve carefully constructed a pile of fabulous rationalizations!
I immediately pull a blanket of guilt over my head for even entertaining the idea of buying a new ring. I wish I had sackcloth and ashes to finish humbling myself.
But then I peek out again, seduced by the thought of a sparkling new diamond winking at me from my own hand. Why do I feel so conflicted for admiring something that's undeniably beautiful. Hey, I’m not being greedy, pretentious, or wasteful.
Or am I?
February 8, 2006
Reader Comments (16)
Several years ago (around Valentine's Day!), I told John that I *would* actually like a diamond ring, in addition to the original dark blue sapphire solitaire engagement ring he had given me. We were doing well, he worked constantly, and his hard work was paying off. I figured that being a mostly single mom during that time had earned me that indulgence.
I chose one that I liked a lot, big but not gaudy. Sometimes wearing it made me feel guilty. Even though I loved it, it was out of character for me, or so I thought. I think what made me feel uncomfortable was that I didn't want to think I was shallow enough to enjoy wearing it.
I stopped wearing my wedding rings several years ago, but not for simplicity. Mostly it was because I didn't feel married anymore. Now, I'm not sure what to do with them, because I love them. The gold, open work celtic band that we searched all over for-- remember when I found it in that catalog? Sometimes I will still put on the diamond, for a myriad of strange emotional reasons (strangely none of them is that I want to feel married). I've thought of having it and the sapphire turned into a pendant, but I do love it as a ring.
So I guess what I mean to say is that I don't have an answer. I sort of like your justifications, personally.... :D
We are starting to build our dream house in about 3 weeks (stay tuned for my crazy posts during THAT time!) and I know I won't be getting my new diamond this year.
I've been married to my DH for 9 years (10 will be in Jan 2007) and I own not one single piece of jewellery, despite many not-so-veiled hints and downright-tearful-demands! I wouldn't even mind if it were silver, steel, or pretty much anything as long as I didn't have to buy it myself.
My mother in law actually gave me a topaz ring to have set into a pendant because she felt so sorry for me. Obviously there's a world record of some sort here - a husband who doesn't give jewellery and a mother-in-law showing pity ;)
Jokes aside, I understand your ambivalence - there's the feminist point of view of jewellery as evidence of women as chattels, but I don't know. Perhaps my conservative upbringing makes me long for some kind of jewellery related recognition.
You need to come to Holland - those American women have nothing on the bling factor of the wealthy Dutch!
I feel guilty about lusting after a diamond rings because my husband has ALWAYS bought me jewelry--it's not as if I'm deprived. Maybe I'm just spoiled. ; )
Maybe your husband is waiting for your 10-year anniversary to indulge you. My 25th anniversary is about a year away--that may be how I justify a new ring in my mind.
Oh,you know what? I should write a post about this. Thanks for the great idea V-grrl!
Suffice it to say I do not think you greedy or materialistic for being seduced by a beautiful stone.
It is lasting and you can pass it down and that means something, even more than electronics. Perhaps, you can save for it and that would help with the budget as well.
I dreamed for weeks and weeks of a sapphire. Pretty and not a diamond. But, the sapphire was not to be. The night before we went ring shopping, I had a dream I was already wearing my wedding band. No engagement ring. No sapphire. Instead, a band of gold and silver with an Aboriginal carving on it. In my dream, I grabbed my lover's hand and he was wearing the matching band.
I told The Man the story the next morning. We decided to take ourselves to the local Aboriginal art and jewellery gallery that day. We approached the counter and began to look at rings. Within minutes, my Hubby and I pointed to the same ring at the same time and said, "That's the one!" It was a done deal. It was also a heck of a savings...each ring was only $300.
Our rings have a Native carving of a wolf. The wolf represents strength and cleverness.
Although, like most grrrls, I love shiny things, I would never, every trade my wolf for a diamond.
Long-winded though that was, I just had to share. I also have to say that if YOU want a diamond, YOU go for it V-grrrl!! :o)
That is an AMAZING story.
The Native American band that E-Man gave me is also gold and silver and is engraved with the image of Kokopelli, who is considered by some to be the spirit of fertility and rebirth and by others to be the spirit of music and dance.
The Irish claddagh ring that I wear in place of my original wedding set has a design that features a heart topped with a crown, with hands holding the heart on either side. The hands stand for friendship, the heart for love, the crown for loyalty. E wears a gold claddagh ring as his wedding band.
If you like it because <i>you</i> like it then so what?
I have a fairly decent sized diamond in my engagement ring, and we wedding band has diamonds in it, which is funny because the whole time I was dating my husband I always thought, "oh no, i don't need anything so pretentious for me" whenever i saw anything but a simple solitair. Then my husband proposed. The ring was perfect. The diamond was much bigger then i had ever anticipated I would get. ever. and i love it.
My mom(who has a very large wedding set that her and my dad picked out for their anniversary one year, but she never wears) and I had this discussion before.
I can never remeber my mom wearing any type of "bling" until recently. she always wore her plain gold wedding band. Just before my husband proposed we were talking about rings and flipping through a magazine and i would point out the ones I liked, and then just kind of shrug.
She stopped me and said,"You deserve a ring like that, don't tell yourself you don't."
It made me think, yeah, yeah I do. I'm not sacrificing anything, nor am i asking anyone else too.
I work very hard for the money that I make and to be a great mom and wife, and if I like diamonds then good for me, (and whoever will buy them for me!)
I really liked reading your stories though on the rings that you have, that have very special meanings.
before my husband was my husband, he left for basic training and I got him a ring with "more then ice cream" etched on the inside.
It was our own private thing, and now instead of his wedding band, he wears that one.
so yeah after all the rambling, I think my point is, it doesn't really matter what you like, as long as it's true to who you are.
I am struggling a little bit with this myself so your post topic intrigued me. When my husband and I were married we bought him a gold band and I have been wearing just a simple gold band that belonged to my great aunt. Over time -- we've been married 10 years this October -- my tastes have changed and I am more into white gold than yellow gold, plus I'd rather have a more interesting style of ring. I don't wear my engagement ring, which is beautiful (sapphire with 2 diamonds) but again yellow gold. Also, I found out a few years ago (after wearing the ring a while) that my great aunt's marriage wasn't a happy one, so the symbolism of that connection is less favorable.
I'm struggling with this myself -- to me, it's more the change of the ring since this is the one we said our vows over -- but I see absolutely nothing wrong with getting a ring you like. If diamonds is what you want, diamonds is what you should have. I have a coworker that just showed me her new GORGEOUS, huge diamond in a channel setting. She waited 22 years for what she wanted, she explained, because when they were first married they didn't have the money for the type of ring she wanted. Makes sense to me. Also, tastes change over time -- you don't keep the same furniture or clothes forever, why can't jewelry be the same way? :-)