The Secret to Lasting Relationships: Low Maintenance Women
March 15, 2006 at 1:05 (This week Low Maintenance Grrrl's one true love, Low Maintenance Guy, shares his secrets for finding a lasting relationship)
Many men wonder why they end up divorced and usually broke. Some men literally screw up but for many men it’s really about having poor judgment in your selection of spouses. We do a better job of picking out cars and trucks than selecting women to marry. After being married nearly 21 years, I am reaching a point where some people are asking me what’s the secret. I haven’t missed the horror of having my paycheck garnered. I have never paid child support, nor have I balanced the soccer schedules of two sets of kids. The secret is to find, identify, fall in love with, and hopefully marry a Low Maintenance woman.
Low Maintenance women--like Ford 150 trucks and Subaru wagons--are everywhere. They are attractive, functional, and come equipped with many optional features that both improve their virtue and value as they age. I have owned both, the trucks and the wagons. I have been in a long-term lease arrangement with my Low Maintenance wife that has lasted longer than the truck and the wagon. They all require good fuel, care, and occasional romps in the outdoors. How do you find them?
Find friends, both male and female, who enjoy the same activities as you do. Most friends have sisters. You glean the benefit of seeing a broader spread of the family’s branches.
Coaching a kid’s soccer team is a good strategy for meeting Low Maintenance women. Any woman who braves the cold and rain to watch her nephews and nieces play soccer has good qualities. She won’t likely bellyache when she later comes out to watch you play soccer or rugby yourself. She’ll likely already have a small cooler too, which can easily accommodate cold beer as well a juice boxes.
Going to church will usually bring you rewards both spiritual and new female friends. If you’re Catholic, a single man and attend Mass alone reasonably well dressed, it won’t take long before the Italian/Irish/Latina grandma radar picks you up as a decent candidate for introduction.
How do you know a woman is more on the high side in the Maintenance question? The clue is to check and examine what she enjoys for fun. Closets and wallets are good clue sources. How you sneak a reconnaissance of both is trickier.
Closets… Footwear is also a good barometer of maintenance levels. Hiking boots, waders, and running shoes, particularly if they are well worn, are good omens. Mud on the soles is a good sign. If you see anything that resembles equestrian interests take particular care. English style riding boots and crops are bad news, but not for the reasons you can fantasize about. Packer-style Western boots, the kind with the little fringy-thingy are OK. Any more than a dozen pairs of any kind of shoes should be a warning sign, particularly if they are still in the box. Flannel, fleece, and Gore-Tex are good signs.
Wallets… department store credit cards, except perhaps Sears and REI, are a toxic sign. Anything…receipts, credit cards, or gift certificates having the name Nordstrom printed on it is a sign that your love should land elsewhere. Sure my wife has a Home Depot problem, but nearly everything bought there…paint, crown molding, and cabinets have added value to my net worth not detracted from it.
What kind of pets does she have? Sure Julie Newmar was hot, but avoid cat women. Like cats, they have an overly high opinion of their looks and are not really capable of domestication.
Dog owners make better wives. Their breed preferences are good indicators of personality and maintenance levels. Labradors, golden retrievers, and spaniels are loving and low key. They are generally loyal and friendly; who don’t mind getting a little dirty and playing in the water-a good quality in wives too. Small yappy dogs usually mean a woman has the same vocal qualities. Avoid any woman who has a dog that can fit in an airline carry-on.
Not all sporting breeds are good either. Just as a big, hardheaded and stubborn Chesapeake retriever can be absolute disaster in a duck boat so can a wife of similar temperament and disposition. Or as my former boss once told me, ”Never marry or date a woman that can take you.”
Low Maintenance Guy, a former Marine, is a rugby player and coach, an outdoor enthusiast, and a middle school teacher. He loves to cook, can drink giant Belgian beers, and he tells a great story . Low Maintenance Grrrl has joined him on many memorable adventures involving hyp0thermia, blisters, and endurance. Still crazy after all these years. ; )
OK, V-Guys, tell me what you think? Is Low Maintenance Guy onto something here? V-Grrrl
Reader Comments (19)
30 pairs of shoes, mostly loafers, sandals, and boots, stored in boxes.
One pair of muddy running shoes.
No hiking boots. No waders. One pair of snow boots.
Willing to brave cold and rain for sports--NOT.
Willingness to get dirty or play in the water--missing.
Small cooler--check!
Love dogs but love cats more. Have had three of each.
Gore-tex, flannel, and fleece--check!
Eddie Bauer everything--check!
Department store credit cards--only two.
Nordstrom's--never.
Ability to spend hours in Home Depot, yes. Looking at tools--no.
I guess I qualify as a mid-maintenance grrrl. I didn't title this blog V-Grrrl in the Middle for nothing.
Yet another gnarly branch on the V-Grrrl family tree, a "wee little person" with a big attitude:
Owns lab-mix dog--check
Shops at REI--check
Owns climbing gear, camping equipment, and a kayak--check
Unafraid of dirt and water--check
Muddy shoes and hiking boots--check
No makeup--check
Willing to work on her own furnace--check
Has laid ceramic tile in her kitchen--check
Has torn out the cabinets and is going to replace the counters too--check
Loves Home Depot--check
Nordstrom's--Say what?
Master's degree--check
Heterosexual--check
Catholic--check
Can cook and knit--surprise!
Swimsuit model--just kidding!
Single and 27.
Rock Grrrl--you're the bomb!
I think I am pretty low maintenance, myself, and I don't even need the waders and running shoes. I hate to shop, wear make-up only when necessary and am happy at home. My only vice is that I like to spend money on stamping and genealogy, which I think is way more reasonable than weekly shopping at Nordstrom's, where I have never spent one dime.
Great post, L-M Man! Great hearing from you!
Stamping supplies do not count against us just as gear does not count against L-M-Guy. : ) And you know since L-M-Guy has that history degree, he completely forgives the geneaology purchases.
I think overall you are on the right track with this, but you can't always judge a woman by her shoes or her pets or you may miss out on someone wonderful.
Women should look for low-maintenance men, too.
It's amazing how much happiness marrying well can bring you, and how much misery marrying badly can, as well.
Anyone?
To me, it's someone who contributes to the smooth running of the household and doesn't need to be mothered by his wife. He is capable of feeding himself and dressing himself appropriately. He can make and keep appointments without a zillion reminders. Stuff like that.
So, thanks V-grrrl for all your votes of confidence! I AM a low-maintenance grrrl, and I love it! Check my wallet and you'll find one credit card and my ATM card in a simple leather tri-fold--not a name brand monstrosity that won't fit in my back pocket. My closet houses lots of shoes, but they're almost all sport sandals, hiking boots, or running shoes, all in varying states of muddiness. I have a pair of cowboy boots just for fun. I have a great dog who loves to run and play. I find cats and cat people too touchy-feely for my taste. I'm not scared to dig under the hood of my Jeep, and I'm hooked on Home Depot and REI. I have to confess that I'm a sucker for a good pina colada, but beer's easier to carry in a cooler, and nothing beats a good beer with a group of friends. :)
Long live the low-maintenance grrrls!
Btw, If you know any young, single, low maintenance men, let me know! :)
I probably fall in the middle area of the spectrum on both counts. God bless my long-suffering Hubby. I am a lucky woman.
I may have just become V-Grrrl on Top. I am not happy about it. : 0
God bless the long-suffering E-Man.