Helpless, not hopeless

Arabella is having surgery today to improve her chances of getting pregnant. Teebs has spent a remarkable amount of time with her feet in the stirrups trying to get to the bottom of her infertility. Brooke has suffered four gut-wrenching miscarriages and is trying to line up financing for IVF. Untitled has been trying to conceive baby number 2 and despite shots in the ass and sex on a schedule, she’s let down each month. I have close friends and family who have lived through these cycles of heartache, including a sister-in-law who had a viable pregnancy and lost it unexpectedly when she was about five months along. She almost died in the process. Her only child died in her arms.

For all my whining about back pain, heart medication, PMS, and life in the slow lane, when it comes to reproduction, my body has pretty much done the right thing. I was ambivalent about having kids for 12 years, but when we finally decided to give it a try, everything went smoothly, more or less. Mr. A decided to be born on Labor Day weekend instead of close to Halloween, when he was due. Yeah, delivering a premature baby was traumatic in its own way, but I thank God his life was never in danger and he was spared major complications.

I had a miscarriage and D & C with baby number 2. My doctor gave me Valium because I couldn’t stop crying. And while there was sorrow and questions associated with that whole sad experience, I quickly became pregnant again and had a healthy pregnancy and birth that brought me my darling E-Grrrl.

I have no comforting words for those of you who have been beat up and broken in a hundred private ways by infertility. I have no advice on getting pregnant, no clue how or if your situations can ever be bearable, no idea if you’ll ever have peace or the babies you desperately want. In short I have absolutely nothing to offer—and that helpless feeling as an observer of your dilemmas gives me the tiniest glimpse of how enormously frustrating and disappointing it is for all of you to live with a sense of powerlessness in the face of infertility.

So today’s blog is for Arabella, Teebs, Brooke, Untitled, KK, V, and L and all those who have been put through the wringer of infertility. A portion of sympathy. A large dose of prayer. Hope that things will get better.

Copyright 2006 Veronica McCabe Deschambault. All rights reserved

May 3, 2006

Comments

[Granola-grrrl]

Infertility can be really isolating too... my friend has struggled a lot, with many many miscarriages. I got pregnant unexpectedly, in the midst of her struggling to conceive and carry to term. Not only was I pregnant, but I was expecting twins. Part of me felt very guilty, and I know that being around me during my pregnancy was very painful for her; we each had our own issues.We drifted apart during that time.

She and her husband finally adopted a little boy, and then suddenly found themselves pregnant with their own son. After several more miscarriages, they had a daughter last fall.

I won't even go into all the things they have done in order to have a family. I stand in awe at their dedication. Through all of these things, it has always seemed to me that there is a bigger plan at work for them, and much of their struggle has been to find out what exactly that plan is.

Love and light to everyone who is trying to make sense of it all.

[Low Maintenance grrl]

All I have to say to your friends is "One day at a time".

I was fortunate to easily get pregnant with my son, but when we tried to have a second baby we were thrown into "Infertility Hell" - the monthly emotional roller coaster can be overwhelming. It's hard to explain but during the process it is as if every moment of your day is filled with thoughts of how to fix this problem. We are all so used to being in control of our lives. This is one area where we are not in control and that is hard to accept. It also doesn't help when well-meaning friends/acquaintances make a random comment that brings us to tears.

We weren't able to have a second child but feel very fortunate to have a healthy 17 year old. Infertility is such an emotional issue and it really helps to have a supportive spouse/partner and friends.

[Ceece]

here, here.
prayers, good vibes, finger and toe crossing, chants whatever it takes. I'm doing it for you ladies.

[#1 Dancer]

V-grrl, I feel much of your guilt too. As you know, ours was fairly easy too (and God-willing will continue to be). We had our share of the fertility dance last year, but it just amazes me the one time that we were not NOT trying that we've gotten pregnant. It goes to show that regardless of our control and harnessing of science that we are, in fact, not in control of this process.
One of my best friends just met with an adoption counselor and it seems that the $32k required for an adoption is not in their future. I just hope and pray as you do that good things come to those who deserve it most. Thanks for this post!

[mama_tulip]

I feel the same way when I read about the frustration, the agony and the difficulties these bloggers and other women go through in order to try and conceive. It makes me very, very greatful for my own children.

[Arabella]

V-Grrrl, thank you from the bottom of my heart. If there's any upside to the pain of infertility, it's the great connections I've made with sympathetic fellow bloggers. That, and getting to say "cooter" a lot.

[Annie]

Amen. I was fortunate not to encounter these problems myself, and like you, am at a loss for what to say to those who do. Unfortunately, I think there really isn't anything helpful to say beyond, "I'm so sorry" and "I'm praying for you". And I am.

[wordgirl]

I have polycystic ovaries and it took awhile to get my body "jump-started", but once it did I got pregnant every time I wanted. But before that there were tests (both on me and Mr. Half) and a miscarriage/D&C. For that little while the thought of never having children was devastating for for me. I know what I felt was only a fraction of what these women have been going through, but it's like the Night of the Long Knives and it never seems to end.
I, too, send my very best wishes out there to all of these new friends.

[Dan]

Thanks. Your empathy is appreciated. We have been trying for awhile.

[TB]

Thank you V-grrl. I can't imagine the pain of a miscarriage and I'm so sorry you had to go through it. We all deal with issues as women that bring us together. Your support means a lot to me.

[Shirley]

Oh,my heart goes out to all of you who suffered with miscarriages and infertility. I can't imagine the pain and loss you have experienced. Then when it comes to adoption, on the surface it's a wonderful idea, but can be so costly and such a long process. An acquaintance adopted two children from Romania (I believe) at a cost of between $35K and $40K each time. When people expressed dismay at the cost, she said most cars and trucks sell for that much today and she'd be getting a lifetime of love and happiness from her children ... a really good, eye opening point, but obviously not everyone has those resources. I did want to mention that ob/gyn issues such as miscarriages, infertility, endometriosis, etc. can be related to gluten sensitivity/celiac. One in 133 people has celiac, but 97% are undiagnosed. That low rate is due to a number of reasons ... such as people who have no symptoms they associate with gluten issues, doctors who associate celiac with an outdated profile and are unaware of all the symptoms associated with gluten issues and their high incidence or how seemingly silent celiac can be. I just read that there's a new at home test for celiac http://www.optimumhealthresource.com/cdscan.pdf. I have no association with the test, but it's a good thing and the info presented there is very helpful. Just know that you do not have to have all the symptoms to have issues with gluten. Another really great test is at www.enterolab.com, the Gluten Sensitivity Test. Again, I have no association with that test, but as someone who has celiac and was undiagnosed for 47 years, I am always spreading the word in hopes of helping someone else avoid the health issues I went through. I'd be happy to answer more questions if you like. Hugs to you all.