And it all comes tumbling down....

Child development experts will tell you children go in and out of periods of stability and instability as they develop. I know from personal experience that’s true. Growing up isn’t the neat linear experience we’d like for it to be, with each milestone stacking neatly on top of the other as a child matures.  No, every so often the whole tower of blocks comes tumbling down with a dramatic crash, and we’re forced to rebuild, while our children do their best to kick the pieces out of reach.

These one step forward, two steps back intervals in parenting are exhausting, frustrating, and mind-numbing. Walking the floor with a colicky baby is its own form of torture but at least you know it’s not the baby’s fault. It’s hard to feel the same way with an older child who just doesn't like school. Then again, I didn't like school myself. Then again, I succeeded in spite of that.

Assignments and books "forgotten." Homework not done or done but not turned in. Directions not read or not followed. Papers lost or jammed into a desk cubby. Folders meant to organize the papers in a state of complete disarray. Nothing filed in its proper place, old papers  mixed with new ones, subjects mixed together, nothing dated--a nightmare.

Every day, we struggle over school and homework.  Three weeks into the school year and our blocks are tumblimg down. We try incentives, we try encouragement, we tutor when necessary, we deliver long lectures, we revoke privileges, we ground. We end up fighting with the child in question, fighting with each other, and if we’re honest, fighting the urge to bang our heads against the wall.  So smart, so much potential, so much waste.

All we can do is keep plugging along, stay on message, be consistent, and remind ourselves that this unpleasant interlude will pass, that peace will come again to Chez V, sooner, we hope, not later.

September 12, 2006

Comments

[Mary]

Hang in there! I have experienced this. I know how frustrating and difficult it is to retain your composure. For me, I resented the time it took to deal with it because of all the other things I'd rather be doing. For me it got better eventually (jr. high.) I hope it will get better for you soon!

[mamatulip]

I vividly remember the homework battles when I was a kid -- not that I didn't want to do it...I did -- but because I struggled so much with Math. I always had Math homework and I just. couldn't. get. it. It was so difficult, for both me and my mom.

Hang in there...I hope it gets easier soon.

[annie]

As someone with a teaching degree that is, admittedly, a bit dusty, you might want to try breaking it down into smaller tasks. Sitting to do 20 minutes of math is easier to focus on if you know you can get up for an hour afteerwards before tackling that social studies homework. Also, you sometimes have to let them sink or swim on their own. Sit dow the the teacher, explain what you are doing (checking assignments, checking backpack before leaving in the morning) and let the teacher know that you are leaving some of the resposiblity in the child's hands. You can't turn homework in for your child. And the child has to learn the responsibilities and consequences sometime. Otherwise, the child will end up like some of my junior college students were; lazy with a sense of entitlement and that everyone else would correct their mistakes.

And try jumping jacks instead of hitting your head against the wall. Fewer bruises and more cardio. :)

[Neil]

Yes, like everyone else... don't pull your hair out. This seems to be a perennial conflict between kids and parents...

[JMo]

I have been contemplating the effectiveness of education lately as I prepare to go back to school in my late 30's. I know this time around, I will be fully engaged because I am entering of my own free will to pursue something I truly enjoy.
Grade school almost always felt like detention - being forced to sit through something that I had little interest in. The times I did enjoy school invariably were due to a teacher who found ways to involve me and engage me in the learning process instead of simply feeding me information. I am forever grateful to the few educators who rose to that challenge. I am also fearful that todays students are getting less and less exposure to such teaching.
Be open to HOW your children learn (we all take it in differently) and try to maximize the opportunities for them to succeed. I get the impression that young Mr. A is a very intuitive explorer. If so, much of the structure of school can be very boring for him. It can also be very frustrating if he is ahead of the class. Kind of vague - I know, but what do you expect for 2 cents...

[wordgirl]

I know it's frustrating now, but it will pass. You will find the formula that works best for your child and there will be much joy and celebration throughout the land. Until then...practice that yoga breathing.

[Lynn]

I know how frustrating all that can be (both with my own kids and my students at school). These actually can be the characteristics of a gifted student who may need some different hooks to kep them engaged - are there any gifted resource teachers you can talk to? If not at their school, then maybe in the whole system of schools abroad.

[Flubberwinkle]

My 2 cents. If I've learned anything from my kids, it's that they're nothing alike. They don't have the same attention span, the same "dedication" to school. One is uptight, overanxious which has made her very diligent. The other comes off as a slacker compared to the first; "ho-hum" is her middle name. They both have a different approach to studying and how they perceive school in general. The one with lower grades and seemingly less effort has a better outlook on life, hasn't had any anxiety attacks like her sibling. I've had to adjust my attitude and methods to their different study -or lack of, as is the case- needs.

What might seem like bumps on a kid's school path, may turn out to be smooth sailing in the long run. Hang in there. Peace to Chez V!

[Margaret]

I feel your frustration; the organizational nightmare you describe is very familiar.

[amber]

Oh, I can't wait!! ;)

:)

[Angela]

Blechh. Chin up, dear. I'm not looking forward to this at mi casa, but I know at least one of the three boys will lob this at me.

[TB]

The thing that strikes me is how much more homework kids have these days than I did. I don't know if the same is true in Belgium, but I imagine the sheer volume makes things difficult.
Hang in there V, you'll get into a routine soon and that will help a lot.

[Katie Cowhorns]

Ah, I've seen this struggle before! I remember when I was in 4th and 5th grade, I went through a bizarre phase of forgetfulness. I was constantly forgetting that I had homework, and I remember feeling very frustrated with myself. Why couldn't I remember? I felt inadequate, though that word probably wasn't in my vocabulary at the time, and I also felt a little dumb because my smart friends had no trouble remembering what to do. I see a lot of my students struggle with remembering homework-- remembering to do it, remembering to turn it in. Sometimes they just don't want to do it, sometimes it's just that they're not skilled at the art of procrastination yet. Something that has worked well for many of my students is the agenda book remedy. All the incoming freshmen get an agenda book when they start high school, and for those less organized folks, it has helped to set up a "contract" of sorts. The student writes down ALL the homework assignments in the book and has each teacher initial next to the assignments for that class. The parents check it at night and help make sure that the work gets done, and then check off the assignments as they're completed. Having the teachers initial the assignments lets the parents know that the student accurately recorded the assignments, and also lets parents know if there really is no homework for that particular night. Hang in there! A will find a way to learn that's enjoyable to him, and may soon realize that school can be a lot more enjoyable if he's prepared. (If you fail to prepare then you're preparing to fail!) If he's not a big fan of the written word, he may be a visual and/or tactile learner (which it sounds like he is!). When you help him with his homework, maybe it would help if he drew pictures of the concepts, or built models. Doing math with marshmallows is FUN! Drawing pictures of his vocabulary words may not help with spelling, but would certainly help remember the definitions. I struggle with meeting the learning needs of all the kids in my classes because it's faster to deliver the material ONE WAY. But just because a kid learns differently doesn't mean that there's not learning taking place. Drawing pictures and building models is time consuming, and it may not help his grades right away, but the things he'll learn on his own in his own way are much more valuable, and it may spark a desire to learn even more. Best of luck!!

[Shirley]

Some great ideas here! Flylady (www.flylady.net) has a student control journal on her site that lets the student take control. It specifically discourages parent involvement after the initial set up, which can be a big incentive for some kids. I have heard some great testimonials on it. (My own son is in college now and bought a planner before he left, because he'd used the agenda book method mentioned above throughout school and it had worked well for him.) There are some other good ideas for students on her site too.

This task is one of the hardest as a parent, making sure they stay on track while instilling in them the desire to do well and control things as much as possible on there own.

I agree with everyone else on hanging in there! Routines and time off for breaks after doing assignments really helps, no matter how you come up with the routines (either you or him, control journal or not).

[Shirley]

Yikes on that glaring typo for "there" vs "their" (brain fart), yes, I am anal enough to note it. LOL

[Char]

Sorry to chime in so late - we've been in your general neck of the woods for a week. Before we left on our trip I had the kids' teachers send them their homework in a folder to do while we were away. Child #1 has not really touched his stuff - I can't wait for this weekend when he has to make it all up. Child #2 had hers done before the plane touched down in Shannon. So, I feel your pain.

Try some of Flylady's techniques. The timer works wonders in this house. You (or A) can do anything for 15 minutes. 15 minutes of focused work then 5 minutes of free time. Baby steps...