Tonight they sleep with the fishes

To the Tupperware container with tomato stains: I can’t bear to look at you anymore. You’re nasty and I want you out of my kitchen. Maybe I’m shallow, but looks matter. Don’t tell me I’ll recognize how much I need you when you’re gone. I don’t want to hear it. You’re an overpriced piece of suburban luxury plastic, but tonight you'll be hanging out with the recyclables. Bye-bye-bye!

To the ten single socks that have been in the bottom of the laundry basket for at least a month: What’s up? Where the hell are your mates? Were they sucked into another dimension? Victims of amnesia? Living a secret life in a drawer on the wrong side of the dresser? Sent packing because of holes in the fabric of their lives? Guess what? I no longer care! I am so tired of trying to find your partners and encouraging you to stick with your mates that I’m sending you on a singles cruise. Wait here in the nice brown bag. Pick up is at the curb. Have a nice trip.

To the eight different shades of brown eyeshadow in my cosmetics drawer: You look like lovely neutral shades of café au lait, milk chocolate, bronze, cinnamon, maple, and honey—but I've seen your true colors. You’re all secretly shades of  orange and coral! Really! And you know what? You’re going on vacation with the socks. Y'all belong somewhere tropical.

To the five different shades of berry lipstick: I don’t know what brought us together, but things are just not working out. You can go ahead and tell your friends that I left you for a tube of cheap Chapstick but really, Hon, I’m serious about the irreconcilable differences. You suck the life out of my face and make me look like a vampire. We’re just wrong for each other.

To the Mary Kay shower gel, the Bath and Body Works lotion, the Infusium shampoo and conditioner, and the Avon hair mask: We’ve been sharing a bathroom forever, but somehow we never seem to really click. I keep thinking things will get better between us, that we’ll spend quality time together, but the truth is I ignore you day in and day out. Don’t be upset. It’s not you—it’s me. It's time we quit analyzing our relationship and move on.

January 11, 2007

Copyright 2007 Veronica McCabe Deschambault and V-Grrrl in the Middle. All rights reserved. www.v-grrrl.com

Comments

[Shirl Grrrl]

LOL! Love the sock section! I think I have a lot of cleaning supplies that could go on that cruise, as well!

[Shirl Grrrl]

I also wanted to say that I really like your new layout!

[V-Grrrl]

Any resemblance between the color of the new layout and a bar of dark chocolate is completely coincidental.

[RD]

Oh, but I love the original MK bath gel (not the perfumey stuff). I don't think they make it anymore. I'm convinced there is a black hole in the universe that feeds on socks! Maybe your single socks match my single socks--I'll book mine for the cruise too. Good riddance to it all.

[Char]

I am assuming you went on a little cleaning binge? I need to do the same - one room and one large garbage back at a time!

[Rick]

Why is it everyone is going into spring cleaning mode three months early? Same is happening at my house. Global warming?

[furiousBall]

Purging is great for the soul. By the way a great thing to do with those solo socks is to put it on a cat's head. Cats love it.

[V-Grrrl]

Global warming? Rick, you kill me.

And my two cats may soon have many hats, thanks to furiousBall.

[Neil]

I've made the decision lately of just tossing all the unmatching socks and starting from scratch.

[V-Grrrl]

Neil,

How about my socks bid for a date with your socks?

[wordgirl]

I've got the mates to your socks here...in my laundry basket. At least...I think so. And I'll trade you half of my gray eyeshadow for some of your brown. Or something in a light taupe?

Should I have trouble reading your font? Maybe after I hook up my new monitor.

[JMo]

Happy New Year! What happened to your site? Did you purge you background?

[platypus]

Hee hee, it sounds like someone's doing what I should be doing! Well done for getting on with it. I shall start at the weekend. :)

[Debbie]

I did the whole chuck the "old maids" socks and dagnabit! One's mate turned up the following week. From the sock black hole or something.

I'll bet you don't have Sephora there. Sephora is great because they put the makeup on you right then and there so you can see what that great looking color is going to look like on you.

Feels pretty good to purge doesn't it?

[Flubberwinkle]

Sayonara socks, arriverdecci Avon!
I sooooooooo know this post.

[Nance]

aaaarrrgggghhhhh! NOT THE SOX!!!!!!!!!!

...they'll turn up now, you know...

(they were always only just waiting.)

[littlepurplecow]

Love it. I too am harboring bath gel, panty hose (like I'm really going to wear them one day), and red lipstick. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

[plain jane]

Do they run the "Swifter" commercial on TV in Belgium? I could swear this post is a take off on it. VERY clever. I love the idea of your socks bidding for a date with Neil's socks. Talk about your foursomes!

I have spare socks I've kept for years. Tonight they go to sleep with the fishes. I have been doing a lot of purging the past few months--I love it.

[Shirl Grrrl]

Last night I purged my pantry of salty snacks that have been sitting on the shelves since who knows when... good-bye stale Doritos, potato chips and Chex mix!! I really don't understand how these half-eaten bags accumulate! Why did we never finish them off? To be honest, the only reason I threw them out last night was that I needed the chip clips on them for the two new bags of chips I bought! Have you tried the Lays Dill Pickle potato chips? Oh my... you can't eat just one!

[Ernie Jo]

This post is so you! I love it! The style, the wit, the humor. I miss you!!!