Processing

You know the flashing hourglass that appears on your monitor when a program isn’t ready to respond?

That’s my life symbol right now.

I feel stuck in a moment, with all the pieces of my life glued into place. Watch me go through the motions of a typical day, and it looks like nothing out of the ordinary is happening. Everything is the same on the surface. Everything is stable.

But in the black box of my Self, everything has changed and is changing, moment to moment.

While the hourglass flashes, a lifetime of files are being scanned, opened, closed. My heart is fragmenting and defragmenting at the same time. I wonder over the value of my temporary files. What should be saved? What should be deleted? What am I meant to keep?

My soul hums and groans as it lifts and shifts the data of my life: words, pictures, plans, messages, and memory. So much is at stake. I don’t want to crash. I don’t want to succumb to program errors.

The flashing hourglass asks for patience while the unchanging screen puts a calm façade over the frenzy of electric energy beneath the surface.

“ We’re not ready. Wait. Wait. Wait.”

And so I stop, breathe, wait, and wonder.

I indulge in Big Questions: What do I really want? What am I afraid of?

I pause. I process. I resist the urge to try and click ahead.

October 25, 2007

Comments

[wordgirl]

"What do I really want?" Good question. Tough question. Wish I knew the answer.

[V-Grrrl]

WG

I think we know what we want on some level, but sometimes fear keeps us from speaking the truth to ourselves.

[Nance]

What a great metaphor.

[Peter]

V, on a personal level, I can relate to your experiences. In a pleasant sort of way, they sometimes even appear to sync.

Like yourself, I'm going through the motions of a regular day, while my CPU is running overtime.

And like yourself, although I know what I really want, I'm waiting and processing how life unfolds.
Sometimes it's a wise choice to resist the temptation of clicking that yes/no question box.

'Tempo Dira', my Latin teacher used to say, 'time will tell'.

And much like real life, time has no clickable yes/no buttons.

[Tera]

Oh, V, thank you. I have been trying for weeks to explain to my husband how I am feeling, and just haven't been able to find the words. I hope it's okay if I forward this to him, so he knows EXACTLY how I'm feeling. You sure manage to express my feelings in words perfectly.

[V-Grrrl]

Tera,

The best thing about blogging is discovering we're not alone in our experiences. Writing this helped me recognize why I feel so unsettled. I'm glad it helped you too.

[Flubberwinkle]

In geek world, pc techs propose shutting down and restarting. Sometimes THAT clears the glitches.

Logging out of the "routine" might help clear your mind, reassess what's important.

[Amber]

It is so good to know I am not alone. And that my company is someone I like so much, too.

;)

[TB]

I know this feeling too well. I hope whatever it is that you need to process comes to you easily and that you are able to let yourself do what you need to do to be with it.