What will my kids remember about Europe?

Like most Americans, I’m a bit mad for photography, and I have lots of photos, both digital and print. When my parents died years ago, they left behind a hopeless jumble of snapshots that raised more questions than answers. This is why I’ve been committed to keeping my own photos organized.

All the prints are dutifully entered into family albums with names, dates, and places noted. I also have duplicates made of my favorite shots, and I use them to create albums for the children so that both my son and my daughter will have a visual record of their lives to take with them when they leave home.

Unfortunately, I’d fallen way behind in updating the kids’ albums, and so with the return of drizzly, windy weather, it seemed the perfect time to catch up. My dining room table is covered with envelopes of photos that I’m sorting and adding to my children’s albums, along with brief descriptions.

My daughter has loved looking at photographs all her life, and she’s been frequently checking in on my progress these last few days, lingering over the pictures and asking questions. What’s astonished me during this process is how much she and her brother have forgotten about their life in the U.S.

My son was unable to recall the names of some of the boys in his Cub Scout troop, boys he’d known for years and seen every week and camped with. My daughter asked me what color our house had been in the U.S. Both kids had difficulty recalling the names of their teachers.

My jaw dropped. We’ve only been here two years. My kids were 6 and 8 years old when we arrived; they weren’t babies. I’m a bit freaked out that so much is sliding out of their memory, that the past is retreating so quickly for them.

When we were preparing to move to Belgium, people often commented on what an amazing experience it would be for the kids. They were the perfect ages for this type of adventure! They would have an opportunity to travel and see things that most Americans never see! What a tremendous advantage this would be for them!

Now I realize that while we’ve dutifully taken them to see the most famous sites in London, Rome, Paris and Brussels and visited countless other points of interest in Belgium, Germany, England, and the Netherlands, chances are they won’t remember much of what they’ve seen.

A child’s experience of the world is so different. An adult sees a Michelangelo and brings so much knowledge and emotion to bear on that experience. A kid sees a Michelangelo and thinks, “Cool. I can’t believe that’s made of stone,” and then wonders aloud when we can stop for gelato and whether they get an extra scoop this time.

Let’s face it: years later the kid will remember the gelato and forget the sculpture by What’s-His-Face.

I have no doubt that when my children recall their time in Belgium, what will stand out in their memory is the local friterie and bakery, the fact that they thought our yard was too small, the way it rained a lot, and how great the playgrounds were. They will also never forget nor forgive the lack of snow. This will be the major regret of their expat years—they didn’t have snow days off from school. They didn’t go sledding!

Still, I know the expat experience and all the travel hasn’t been wasted on them. What they don’t consciously remember still shapes their perspective and their outlook on the world and will affect them all their lives.

Now they know:

• that America isn’t the center of the universe,
• that people from many cultures can co-exist more or less peacefully,
• that there’s not one right way to do things but many different ways to accomplish a task, and
• that we’re all products of our cultures and must be aware of how that influences how we think about life and politics and right and wrong.

My kids have had the experience of being the foreigner, the stranger, the outsider , and so they’ve come to appreciate the value of being welcomed, tolerated, and accommodated. I hope this will forever color the way they interact with the variety of people they’ll meet in life.

And maybe, just maybe, the photos I neatly arrange and label on these rainy afternoons will help them recover the best memories and lessons of expat life long after we return to America.

May 17, 2007

©2007 V-Grrrl and Veronica McCabe Deschambault. All rights reserved.

Comments

[Tera]

V,
What an interesting post. I think my kids may be opposite of yours. When they speak of our trips to America, they detail the little things that even I don't remember. Things like the color of the house, or big deatils go unnoticed, but those little things, that sticks with them. And even if your kiddos only remember the gelato, as they grow up, they'll remember that that gelato they received was in Rome and in Rome they saw homeless people begging for money...and of course, as you said, that shapes them, in a positive way. Travel is a great experience for young and old, and I truly believe that travel is the best form of education we can receive...and if you get to partake in that life and culture, for any amount of time, you take something away with you. At any age. Those pics will help your kids remember, and giving them these experiences has helped them to grow. Have fun with the organization!

[AP in UK]

Yes, your children will be so much richer for the experience -- even as their memories fade. So many of us encountered xenophobic people as we prepared to leave the US to embark upon expat life -- people who were genuinely dumbfounded that we would even consider living somewhere other than the US. It will be virtually impossible for your children to ever have that irrational fear of foreigners and foreign places. That alone is a tremendous gift that you've given them. (Of course, the photo albums will be great too! :-))

[furiousBall]

Wait, what ...America isn't the center of the... wait...does not compute...

;-)

[Ortizzle]

It was an eye-opener for me from the very first time I went to Europe (before living there), and I was twenty. So much better to have that experience early on. Your kids will be far more worldly-wise as they grow up. And you know what? I bet they do remember more details than you think. Certainly those photo albums will be a priceless treasure when they are all grown up.

[RD]

You might be surprised at what they will remember. My little one was 3 when we lived in Belgium, and to this day she will out of the blue have a memory that she blurts out. She remembers her favorite park with the animals. She remembers that her teacher once took her snack juice from her to give to another student. She remembers the smell of sugary, warm waffles and the ice cream truck that parked in front of our building every day after school. She remembers her Belgian chocolate birthday cake. (She remembers the important things!) But I think more than anything my children's experiences there informs their world view. It's intangible, but it's part of their essence now. Your kids will be better citizens of the world as a result.

[Shirley]

I agree that it's mostly intangible what this experience will contribute to who your children will become. There will be some memories that they offer up, most likely the things you think they will remember, but then there will be other experiences they remember that might have stuck out wherever they might have been living at the time--such as attention by a special teacher, certain rites of passage, etc. I am sure they will treasure your albums many, many years from now because seeing the images will dust the cobwebs out of their brains. I think of people who I’ve forgotten from even 10 years ago (names or even what our connection was, until the brain cells get going--which made me look up how memory works http://news.softpedia.com/news/How-Does-Memory-Work-15561.shtml), so it’s not surprising that they’ve forgotten those former friends and playmates being so far removed from them now. The pictures and your and E’s memories and tales will help them remember the other. Often our memories are not truly our memories anyway … they are just the memories of others repeated over and over to us. Through the aid of photos and others’ tales, they become our memories. The thing I am certain of though is that these experiences with travel/expatriate life and being exposed to/immersed with new people and cultures enriches us beyond measure, whether we can fully comprehend it, or vocalize it, or not.

[wordgirl]

I used to be SO GOOD about keeping track of photos. But then we had kids and they started pouring in from grandparents and aunts and friends who had snapped pics of our kids. We wanted to keep them all. And mostly, we did. Then came the digital cameras and so many pictures from which to choose..and then categorize and label and put someplace where they wouldn't get lost. When will I start working on my kids' picture albums again? Hmmm. That's a very good question. I only hope I still have a good memory left so that I can identify everything.

[deezee]

"What they don’t consciously remember still shapes their perspective and their outlook on the world and will affect them all their lives."

...without a doubt!

[Amber]

Oh, i so think these lessons are very, very good ones. They will be better people for it.

:)

[TB]

You're right, E and A might not remember what you'd like them to about Europe, but I think you'll find when you do return to the US, they will have changed and grown in more suble ways because of their time there than you can ever imagine.

[Nance]

Much of kids' memory is sensory; i.e., it is tied into a sense experience. So, while they may not be able to remember things right now at instant recall, they may recall them when they smell, touch, taste, or hear something that jogs that particular memory for them. It's daunting to hear that they can't remember a familiar name or place or something, but put them back in that milieu, and I bet things come flooding back.

[Peter]

In a way, your children (while still 100% American) now have a most privileged outlook on life: they have effectively become tolerant "world citizens".

The world definitely would be a much more tolerant place if more US citizens were exposed to the wonderful experiences your children were able to enjoy.

I pity those in the US, exposed to "terror alert yellow" an all TV channels along with the "you're in danger, be frightened, very frightened" atmosphere currently permeating US society.

Let's hope the next administration returns to all US citizens what has been taken away from them: there peace of mind.

Growing up relatively care-free in Belgium must have been a relief for your children, especially at an age when their world view is being shaped.

[bubandpie]

Things like the local bakery and the yard are the REAL stuff - great works of art are fine, but any tourist can go and see them. It's the little things that make of the fabric of a whole other way of life.