Wishing you were here

Friday night the kids were involved in the performance of a school play. Mr. A worked backstage and E-Grrrl had two small roles. The Drama Club had been working on the production since last October so to see everything come together brought a great sense of accomplishment to the club sponsor, the kids, and their parents.

At the end of the evening, during the acknowledgements, the Drama Club director noted that many grandparents had come all the way from America to be present for the performance. She had the children in the cast come to the front of the stage, call their grandparents out of the audience, introduce them, and give them a small gift.

As child after child came forward and grandparents of various ages walked up to embrace their grandchildren, I was suddenly overcome with emotion. My kids have never had grandparents or any relative attend any of their school events or activities.

The tears caught me off guard and the regret pelting my heart came from many directions. First and foremost is that my children have had so little experience with grandparents. My parents died before my children were born, E’s dad died when the kids were very small, and his mother has been in poor health and lived hundreds of miles away from us for most of their lives. She can’t travel now but even if she was well, would she have come? I'm not sure.

I know if my parents were alive they never would have traveled to see my kids in a play, even if we were back in the U.S. All my life, they were very hands-off with school. In high school, I ran track for four years and was co-captain of the team, but my parents never saw me run a single race or collect a medal. I was in Forensics and competed in various public-speaking contests and meets, but my parents never heard me give a speech until my high school graduation. They never came to school assemblies or award programs or ballgames or any of that.

They were proud of me and quick to celebrate my accomplishments at home, but they never showed up and witnessed them firsthand. I don’t know why. Their parenting roles never extended beyond the four walls of our house. Even as I wished that my kids could have known my parents, I also know my parents would not have reached out to their grandkids the way these grandparents did, and that was such a letdown.

There was another kind of déjà vu bubbling up from my subconscious as well. Just as my children know only one of their grandparents, I knew only one of mine. My maternal grandmother was 80 when I was born. She was Italian, spoke very little English, and had the misfortune of developing diabetes and losing both her legs in her later years. Bedridden but cheerful, she lived with us in our tiny house in New York. She wasn’t a doting grandma because she couldn’t be. Her life was confined by her disability and her limited understanding of English. I never knew her when she was well.

So last Friday when the grandparents were paraded in front of the stage, I felt so many losses converge. I looked up at the suddenly solemn faces of my children and understood their sadness. I pray that some day I will have an opportunity to see their children and be the type of grandmother who shows up at school and cheers them on.

May 7, 2007

Comments

[mac]

In such a mobile society is rare for grandkids to have relationships with their grandparents. I also did not have engaged grandparents but thankfully my children did.

[Ortizzle]

I was lucky enough to have one set of grandparents who lived near us for 3-4 years during my childhood. I don't remember them coming to a school function (I don't think there was one to come to!), but we all had dinner every Sunday, and those years were quite happy ones for me. My own father died just after his first granddaughter was born. I remember him sitting next to her cradle when she was three days old, saying he could hardly wait for her to learn to write so she could write him a letter. There is something very special about grandparents, and I so wish my niece had not missed out on knowing my Dad.

In your case, there really is very little you can do about it except what you have already said: Be the world's best granny when the time comes.

[furiousBall]

I get really sad every Christmas, because both of my grandmothers passed away before my children could have met either one of them. Both parties would have really benefited from meeting. I'm glad that my daughter finally got over her fear of my grumpy grandpa and gives him hugs and kisses. I'm lucky there. Best wishes amiga.

[mamatulip]

I was always rather close with my grandparents, but I never had a 'hands on' relationship with them. They were out of town and I "visited" them more than I "did things" with them, you know?

Dave's mom is very involved with my kids, and it's been bittersweet for me. I had a hard time accepting her involvement and presence in their lives because I never had that as a kid...and also because I resented for a long time that it wasn't MY mom who was so involved with them.

Yet I love seeing the relationship she has with them blossom. My kids adore her and she them, and really, they have good relationships with all of the grandparents they have. They're lucky and it makes me feel fortunate that they have something with their grandparents that I didn't have with mine.

[Nance]

Oh, V. It was difficult, but it is their life. And they have so many things that so many others don't. Someday soon, they will talk to a child who has only one parent, or they will talk to someone who has never left Virginia. One day soon, they will have a friend over who has never had a pet, or who has never been allowed to drag a bunch of castoff junk home to make a project. Then they will be the one rich with experience and the fortunate ones beyond measure. But you know that.

[wordgirl]

Oh,V-Grrrl! What emotion you convey with this post. I truly understand this feeling you have about regret. I'm not even sure how to address everything you've said, except that I do know you have become the kind of parent (and eventually grandparent) that you didn't have. I just know it.

[wordgirl]

Oh,V-Grrrl! What emotion you convey with this post. I truly understand this feeling you have about regret. I'm not even sure how to address everything you've said, except that I do know you have become the kind of parent (and eventually grandparent) that you didn't have. I just know it.

[Shirley in NZ]

And i understand too, V-Grrrl, as I never had much to do with my grandparents, my mother never came to my school (divorced parents), and my kids had all their grandparents living 3 hours away, so no close relationships.

However, I want to have LOTS to do with my grandchildren (when they arrive!)- guess I'm just gonna have to be mobile.

[Tera]

Wow, what an emotional post. You have me in tears. And I have always had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents and my children have grandparents that I could never even have dreamed they would be so fortunate to have. It is one of those things in life for which I am MOST thankful. And I tell my parents and inlaws often how much it means to me, their involvenment with my kids.

I'm sorry you missed out on that, and that your kids are as well. However, they have very involved, loving parents and that makes them very fortunate as well. Life throws lots of hardballs, but we learn to somehow make it to home plate...and home, well, that's where the heart is, where we are safe and cheered on.

Thanks for reminding me of our good fortune.

[Lynn]

Oh my, I'm so sorry for y'all. How hard to have to deal with all of that in public, in the midst of a joyous event. Hugs to everyone. I didn't have the type of grandparents that were very active or involved either. My grandparents weren't that actively involved in their own children's lives either. My mom and dad are VERY involved in my kids' lives - maybe because they didn't get that attention. I'm so grateful, and my kids love it too. My mom was really close to an aunt growing up, Aunt Eva was the one who made Mama feel special and important and she died a month before I was born - Mama was always sorry Eva didn't get to meet me or my sister.

[echo]

I never had any sort of relationship with my grandparents, or aunts or uncles or cousins. As a child, I didn't really find it that sad. My parents were super supportive, so I never felt I was missing anything. I also had a namesake who was a true grandmother in ever sense of the world, she filled in for all my grandparents. But now, it's top priority that when I have kids they are close to my parents and my in-laws because they are all going to be wonderful grandparents.

[Shirl Grrrl]

I can so relate, V. There have always been many miles between my kids and my parents so they've not been to school activities, sports events or birthday parties. Well, that's not exactally true, they were at most of M's early birthday parties but it was only because her birthday fell around Daddy's annual golf trip to SC. What makes it even harder is that my brother is right there and my folks are at all his kids' functions and his kids have two sets of grandparents and mine only one. John grew up not knowing any grandparents and he's never expressed any kind of regret because he didn't know any different. Depsite the distance I make it a high priority that my kids spend as much time with their grandparents as possible and appreciate them. I also now live in a small community where everybody is from here and families seem to be huge with grandparents showing up in droves at school functions. I understand your tears well.

[Amber]

:( You will be. You will be a greatgrandma, and it will make your children so happy! They will be able to relive a little childhood though how you are with their children as a grandma. But in the meantime, they are sooo lucky to have you as mom. So lucky.

Maybe you could find foster grandparents? I have always found lots of "foster" parents to fill the void. And I know it is not exactly the same, but it can also be very special. It really can. Keep your eyes and heart open for the people or person who can bless you and be blessed by your family, too. ;)

:)

[Elisabeth]

Great post, V. I wrote an entry about how the image of grandparents has changed between my generation and that of my own daughter (for those who are curious, I cannot link it here, but it's at this URL: http://walisabeth.blogspot.com/2005/01/on-becoming-great-aunt.html.)

Some people are very invested in their kids and grandkids, sometimes to an excess. My parents were not terribly invested in me (I still think that they were more invested in my brother, because he was a boy, than in me), except in very selfish ways. I have tried to maintain a healthy balance with my daughter, but one thing I know is that I never missed any special event in her entire elementary, middle- and high-school life.

Just like your kids, my daughter has no relationship whatsoever with her two still living grandmothers. Her paternal grandfather died when she was about a year old, and her maternal grandfather died when she was five. I really do not think that she is missing something that she never had.

[Angela]

I pray that for you, too. You made me well up a bit. My folks didn't come to a lot of my extracurricular stuff (choir, volleyball, musicals) either. And I wished they would have come more often. I vow to see as much of my kids' stuff as I possibly can.