What would I do if my child turned out to be gay?
August 14, 2007 at 7:56 When I asked readers for questions last week, Tera asked me how I would react if one of my children turned out to be gay. She also wanted to know whether I had personal relationships with gay people.
I was raised in a conservative Catholic home where sexuality, straight or otherwise, was Not Discussed. Two of my male pals from my high school years turned out to be gay. I had lost touch with them by the time they “came out,” but I was shocked that I had spent so much time with them as teens and never suspected they weren’t straight. Apparently other friends were clued in, and I was the last to know. I didn’t really see openly gay people on a regular basis until I went away to college.
I’m an Episcopalian, which makes me a member of one of the most liberal Christian denominations in America. Our church has been struggling to reconcile traditional teachings condemning homosexuality with a more contemporary understanding and perspective on its origins and its “place” in society and the church.
A few years ago, the American Episcopal Church consecrated as bishop an openly gay priest who was living with a partner. This set off a firestorm of controversy and heated debate across the church globally and voices were raised saying the American Episcopal church should no longer be part of the worldwide Anglican communion. Years later, the consecration of Gene Robinson as bishop of New Hampshire continues to be a major issue and a source of division in the church. I’ve listened to and participated in the debate, trying to understand where people are coming from in their thinking, questioning their motivations, and marveling over how threatened people on both sides of the issue feel.
As the U.S. debates whether gays should be able to be “married” or united in “civil unions,” I’m astonished how much gets dragged into an argument that to me is about granting all adults equal protection under the law. I don’t see gay unions as threatening traditional families or affecting them in any way. To me gay “marriage” is a way to ensure that gay couples can protect their property and benefits and have the same legal rights as straight couples. Period. If you don’t believe in gay marriage, then don’t marry a gay person. : -)
When I first began blogging, one of the very first readers I had and one of the first blogs I began reading was Come to Find Out, written by John, a gay male student at the University of Syracuse (who has since graduated and moved to New York City). John’s blog was sharp and funny and a great reminder of the ups and downs of college life. He has occasionally written poignantly about the experience of being gay in a straight world, facing family, and coming to terms with the Catholic Church.
Later Peter and I crossed paths in the blogosphere. Peter writes frequently about gay issues, politics, and lifestyle and has given me plenty to think about in the last six months or so. I met Peter personally in Antwerp in June, and we really clicked. We plan to see more of each other now that I’m back from my summer travels. Now I just have to wait for him to get back from holiday.
As for how I would feel if my one of my children was gay, I think I’d be accepting but concerned. As a parent, I’d feel helpless because my child would be facing circumstances I haven’t personally dealt with: prejudice, discrimination, a different way of life. It would be hard to guide them.
I wouldn’t want their sexual orientation to separate them from friends and family, and yet the reality I’ve witnessed from a distance is that quite often it does. Naturally, I wouldn’t want them to experience that sense of being cast out. I would hope that they would feel safe, secure, and loved enough to weather the rejection that might come their way.
As for the big picture, I think our sexual orientation is beyond our control, but the expression of our sexuality is always under our command. I would hope my children, regardless of their orientation, would see sex as something sacred, precious, intimate, and spiritual, something that affects their soul as well as their body.
August 14, 2007
Reader Comments (13)
:)
This is a far more thoughtful and considered answer. Yet, it is still exactly what mine would be. I echo Ortizzle also.
It astounds me that some cannot see how this issue mirrors the race issues before the Civil Rights Act. When we look back at "separate but equal", we cringe. Where is that sensibility now?
I remember members of my own church going door-to-door to get people to sign petitions regarding the definition of marriage as only between a man and a woman and putting signs in their yards showing the support of that initiative. When I declined, I was asked why by people I saw each week and who knew me well.
I told them I thought all persons should have the right to marry and have relationships with whomever they loved. "Didn't I believe in God," I was asked.
My response was, "Yes,I do believe in God. And I believe in a loving God, who loves and cares for all of his children."
This angered them and they insisted that "these people" are choosing a wrong path and that God doesn't support their actions. I continued that I didn't believe people choose their sexual orientation or "this" lifestyle anymore than they choose the color of eyes or skin they may have. I concluded that I didn't believe God makes mistakes, so therefore, their genetic sexual orientation was predetermined and part of His eternal plan. Mostly, I didn't think it was up to us to judge only to "love our neighbors as ourselves." Needless to say, no sign went in my yard!
I have been in two occupations that seem to employ large numbers of Gay people, as a Florist and in Theatre. It has been my very good fortune to get to know their loving hearts and their sincere kindness, their creative minds, their goodness and their very caring nature. I have been blessed to understand they love just as I love, when a relationship ends, they hurt like anyone else would.
No one asks me what happens in my bedroom at night. Why should I care what happens in their's? But we should all be very concerned when any group is denied rights based on who they are sleeping with.
Again, thank you for a tremendous post.
Great post.
Excellent writing about the issue--well said.
it's taken me so long in my life to actually come to a point of coming out because i have always feared being openly gay in an openly straight world, and unfortunately that fear still haunts me daily. however, i came to a place where i realized that just because i was afraid to be who i am that fear was not going to somehow change me, so i could either continue to hide and struggle in silence, or embrace this part of myself and allow those closest to me to embrace it also.
anyway, thanks for the wonderful post. i love your position on it, and the eloquence with which you stated it.
And yes, we sure clicked in that dark 1930's cinema way back in June :-)
When I was young, 'being gay' was a daunting, almost full-time part of my everyday life that way too often ressembled a true burden.
Times have changed and so did I.
I admire your open, intelligent, upfront approach to the issue as a member of one of the most liberal Christian denominations in the US.
If all Christians were to be this caring, the world sure would be a beter place.
(I'll get back to you when I'm back from France, it's kind of hard typing on this weird French keyboard without any English spell-checking ;-)
I really loved your very eloquent post concerning your stance on homosexuality. I have pretty much devoted my entire existence to fighting prejudice against homosexuals.