What not to say

My husband E is a high-energy, hardworking, multi-tasking, do-it-now kind of guy. He’s all about neatness, efficiency, and getting things done. And he’s married to a woman who has strayed farther and farther from his straight and narrow path in life. The older I get, the more I see dedication to domestic perfection as an obstacle to happiness. I don’t like clutter, I don’t like things to get really dirty, but I can live with a lot of untidiness. I’ll clean it up—eventually. I’m not a “clean-as-you-go” Grrrl; I’m a "I'll-get-around-to-it" type. I fully admit there are some things I just don’t care about.

For example, I don’t make my bed anymore—it’s isolated from the living areas and I never see it during the day, why bother? I often leave the dirty breakfast and lunch dishes on the counter until dinner time and clean up before I cook. I’m great about doing laundry but horrible about putting it away promptly. Living in a three-story house with a washer and dryer in the basement is a challenge.  How many trips up and down the stairs can I make in a day, with my arms full, no less?

 I only iron for weddings and funerals. I'm sure this is because I'm middle-aged, and  I'm getting used to wrinkles in all forms .  The foyer is littered with all that we drop when come through the door and items waiting to be carried upstairs. This is efficient in its own twisted way--it's a central location.  The kitchen hosts reading material as well as meals—stacks of books and magazines next to stacks of plates. E-Grrrl drops her stuff all over the house, and I’m not quick to order her or her brother to put things away. I'm normally too busy barking at A to do his homework to care. While  I do have a penchant for organization, in a house with ONE closet, it’s hard to find a place for everything.

My laid back approach to housework is contrasted by E’s. He is the White Tornado. He steps into the house and immediately grabs either a mop or a damp rag and starts cleaning. He is normally issuing orders to the kids to put things away before they’ve even come into the room. I try not to take it personally or see it as an indictment of all I've failed to accomplish while he was at work. I rationalize this is just the way he is, that he’s not the type to sink into a chair on the terrace and sip a beer at the end of the work day.

The larger truth is that while E and I were once completely synchronized in our quest for domestic order,  I veered off track and chose a dirt road  once we had kids. We have evolved into a married version of Oscar and Felix. It’s not easy for him, and it’s not easy for me.

A lot has been written about the importance of communication in relationships. This is the basis of intimacy and conflict resolution. Nearly every self-help book and therapist on the planet encourages you to express your needs, wants, and feelings. Dr. Phil makes millions of dollars giving people scripts to confront or address the ones they love.

But here at Chez V, we take a different approach. E and I are still together because we’ve learned what not to say to each other. In a twist on tradition, E shows me how much he loves me by not speaking to me. I give you:

Ten Things My Husband is Wise Enough Not to Say

1. Who used all the water in the Brita pitcher without refilling it?

2. How long is the dining room table going to be covered in art supplies?

3. Call Bono! We could end world hunger with the crumbs accumulating under the table!

4. I see you’re ignoring the laundry baskets—was it something they did or something they said?

5. I assume from the looks of things that the dishwasher is broken?

6. The cobwebs and dustballs—are those Halloween decorations?

7. Which do you think is higher—the pyramid of shoes and backpacks in the foyer or the pile of clean clothes on our bed?

8. You know, my mother used to plan all our menus a week in advance.

9. Are those your clogs I tripped over in the hall or E-Grrrl's?

10. Wow, that’s a nice collection of mugs on the desk--or are those paperweights?

October 16, 2006

Copyright 2006 Veronica McCabe Deschambault. All rights reserved. www.v-grrrl.com.

Comments

[Ash]

LOL My husband says the one about the Brita jug all the time. Hence, no-one else uses the damned thing except him.

He has come to a point where he now rather apologetically asks if there are any ironed shirts for him and doesn't even say anything when I ask if the creases will kind of 'hang out' while he wears the shirt unironed.

[amanda]

ha! your house sounds like mine.
only i left mine unattended for too long and i stayed home from a language course today to try and regain control of things. despite how it looks, my sitting here replying to a dirty house post, i HAVE been cleaning all day and i'm taking a half hour break.

[Granola-grrrl]

A wise man indeed ;) You're fortunate in that you have a husband more than willing to clean, and without being reminded, even.

I tend to work more on the "attack it all at once" principle too. Although I go through phases, like right now, where I am Keeping Up With Things and Cleaning As I Go. The kids' rooms are not included in this. I don't use a top sheet on my bed, only the down comforter, so making the bed is easy-- just shake out the duvet and put the pillows where they go. I alternate between needing to let things slide, and keeping up with Clutter Eradication. Both help me keep my sanity in different ways. Maybe it depends on what kind of crazy I am in any given week.

The ironic part of all of this is that *I clean houses for a living*. It is much easier to clean someone else's house than your own, however. I fear that if my clients ever saw my house, they would demand that I give their keys back and never set foot in their houses again. In the end it's all about balance and what makes me feel peaceful.

[Char]

Oh my V! We are even more alike than I already thought! You could be describing my husband (Mr. I don't have a honey do list - it is already done) and my ways. I tell people all the time that I just didn't get the domestic goddess gene. My dh is learning, too, that some things are best left unsaid and that if it bothers him enough, I will not be offended if he cleans the kitchen.

[wordgirl]

Mr. Half knows better than to ever comment...unless it's positive. For one, he knows he contributes mightily to the mess and he does try to clean up after himself. Mainly, though, he grew up with a maid and we don't have one. I know it would help tremendously, but I just can't cop to having someone touch my stuff.

[Wendy]

I am now officially in love with you..in a totally normal way. My husband and I had a version of this talk yesterday. He said that since I entered my 40's i have gone on strike against "things I don't like doing". I told im he's jealous of my happiness. Believe it or not,we were actually laughing during this discussion. I m so glad Neil introduced us.

[amber]

I'm not even in my 40's yet, and this is how I am. It's the kids. Why be freaky about it, when life is short. As long as nothing is filthy or dirty, an unmade bed and dishes hanging out all day? Whatever!

:)

[deezee]

love the list!

[Lynn]

I love the list!! I aspire to reach your sense of balance - I'm letting things slide, but it drives me crazy!! (maybe that's because there are seemingly hundreds of piles of paper all over my house! they multiply faster than the dust bunnies and cobwebs!) I'm working on getting the kids to help clean - to see that we're a team and we all work together to get the job done. (They love helping mop the kitchen floor - I let them do it in their bathing suits with sponges and brushes!)

[Annie]

Wait, what was #9? I think #8 in particular is a killin' offense. Bles him, he's a good husband. Sometiemes it truly is what you don't say that counts.

I have a girlfriend who always said that if her husband left her, it would be because she never puts the milk away and she leaves wet towels on the floor. For my husband, I think it would be the dishes in the sink and not updating the checkbook on a daily basis.

[V-Grrrl]

Gah! Annie, I did lose number nine. I've added it in. : )

[Shirley]

At the risk of sounding like a true Stepford wife and being virtually pummeled with dirty clothes or coffee mugs or the like, I am going the opposite direction these days. First, let me make it clear this approach is relatively new for me. I did the decades where I didn’t make the bed and it didn’t matter because nobody saw it. I left the dishes “soaking” in the sink and sitting on the counter for days until I’d get to them. I had stacks of magazines in my living room and piles of paper everywhere. (Paper is both my love and my nemesis.) The laundry piled up on the sofa downstairs until a marathon session got it put away and then the cycle would begin again. I had the magnet on the fridge that said “A Clean House is the Sign of A Dull Mind (or something to that effect)” and “I Clean Every Other Day and This Is Not That Day” amidst comic strip clippings, school papers, carryout menus, etc. Then I heard about Flylady (www.flylady.net, who sounds like the ultimate Stepford Wife, but is definitely not). I found that I love it if I take 2 minutes to make the bed in the mornings. Now it’s ready to be seen by company, for a nap, or going to bed at night. The bed just sleeps better if it’s been made and it makes the room look great—know how nice a hotel room looks? I wash dishes all the time so it’s never a big deal any more. I purge my magazines and really don’t have many to begin with as I canceled most of my subscriptions. I do a load of laundry a day and dry it and put it away that day or the next. It’s never a big deal anymore. I love having my house company ready (most of the time) even if 99% of the time it’s just for us. We deserve it and it feels more peaceful. I feel less moody than I used to be … no matter how much I said I didn’t care about the house, I did care and felt like a big slug so I am doing better with the house and feeling better overall. That said, there’s always merit in a spouse NOT saying things. When my paper gets out of control on my coffee table, DH is wise not to mention that I am horizontal surface challenged. LOL He, however, is known to deposit his dive gear in the middle of the bedroom floor a full month before his departure for a trip and his paintball gear from yesterday’s games is now sitting in the living room right past the hall where it landed as he came in the door. Bottom line: we all have our issues and usually having them pointed out by others does not change us one bit, but I do think a sense of order from a few minutes of effort can make you feel so much better.

[TB]

This is like me and Jeff in reverse, except now that I've been felled by the pregnancy blahs I'm becoming much more like you and to be honest, it feels kind of good :o)

[V-Grrrl]

Shirley,

I did 13 years of "everything in its place." After kids I succumbed to the law of diminishing returns.

The house in Va. was easier to keep clean than this one--smaller, lots of storage, and only one set of stairs.

[mamalujo1]

Yep, this is me and this sounds just like me and my bride. Our marriage is stronger as much because of the things we don't say to each other as those things we do talk about. We even know what those things are. At most, I'll raise an eyebrow at the kitchen cabinet, and she will say "careful."

Are you still going to try NaNoWriMo?

[Shirley]

V-I must admit that it is definitely easier now that we've been empty nesters for two whole months. DS' room was a disaster for the last several years, but interestingly enough he's been complaining about his roommate and keeping his room clean in the dorm but it is his ONLY living space after all. Oh stairs they can collect stuff, can't they? It is possible to get the kids on board too because they also like neat orderly spaces and the peace that comes from them, but it can take some time for them to realize that and help out (and once they reach the teenage years, it's often a good idea to let their messy room be part of their rebellion rather than something worse IMHO) ,,, sometimes it can take a lot of time for kids to get on board, so you can't expect that right away when pursuing the orderly route for sure. But I believe we all find whatever works for us for that period of our lives so it must be working for you guys even with a Felix/Oscar overtone :-) .

mamaluj01-Too funny on the raised eyebrow and "careful" warning, That kind of thing can keep a marriage workable for 60 years or so!

[Ortizzle]

Oh, dear, I so understand the unsaid remarks! My husband is quite patient as well, although he is not a neat freak. With us it's more of a trade-off: He doesn't mention the dirty laundry in the corner of the bedroom, and I don't mention that he puts empty ice cube trays back in the freezer. :-)

[Shirl Grrrl]

Okay, now where's the list of 10 things that YOU don't say?! : D

[V-Grrrl]

Shirl,

I'm too wise a woman to write down that which must never be spoken because it is as dangerous as "he who must not be named" in Harry Potter.