Round and round

Another four hour marathon trying to get my son through his homework. His sister was at Brownies and then went on to soccer after dinner, the house was quiet and free of distractions, and he was getting his homework done at a glacial pace. Or should I say “not getting it done” at glacial pace? Both are true.

I vacillate between thinking his behavior is his choice and wondering whether he really can’t focus. On his own, at home, he will often conceive of and execute detailed step by step projects, but at school this year he’s perpetually disengaged. Even if I’m packing his backpack for him, tracking his assignments, setting a study schedule, and sitting at the table with him, he cannot get a single day’s work done on time. I haven’t felt this strung out and frustrated since he was a toddler and his sister was a baby, and I know it hasn't been easy for him either.

We’d told ourselves we wouldn’t have him tested until he displayed attention-deficit symptoms for six months, but I don’t think we can wait that long. He’s not getting better. Any improvements in his grades are entirely from our efforts, not his. I can’t follow my son through life organizing his stuff, sharpening his pencils, and babysitting him so that he’ll do the work nearly every other kid in his class does on their own.

From what I’ve read, ADHD has a strong genetic component—and this makes me laugh. God has a sense of humor giving us a child who can't/won't stay on track because we are seriously anal retentive parents. In school,  I worked hard, did well, and was always on top of things. I was the annoying nerd who finished her papers the day before they were due. My husband, who grew up around the world attending various types of schools, struggled in college but earned an engineering degree. He has amazing organizational skills, is more attentive to detail than Martha Stewart, and multi-tasks like nobody’s business.

No surprise then that we have been meticulous parents, trying to do everything right. I charted everything I ate during pregnancy, nursed my son until he was over a year old, took classes in child development, fed him organic food, taught him to love books, provided a life completely free of TV or computer games, and waited until he turned six to send him to kindergarten.

While there were occasional rough patches in school, none were long or alarming. Quiet and well behaved, my son normally operated under the teacher’s radar. He went to a private school that was very structured and traditional.  But in fourth grade, his first full school year here in Belgium, he started to slide. His grades fell even as his reading scores put him on the high school level. The gap between his report card grades and his standardized test scores widened. His desk was immediately recognizable in the classroom because it was a MESS. I wondered what was going on: Was it the overcrowded classroom? His instructor’s teaching style? Laziness? Lack of maturity? The more dynamic and less structured school environment?

Whatever the cause of last year’s difficulties, I can’t deny that even with a different teacher and different classroom, we’re worse off than ever before. Sure he is smart, intuitive and creative, but apparently he cannot or will not keep up with his classmates. Day after day after day, he fails to record his assignments, bring home what he needs, or explain what he did in class. Homework normally takes hours—partly because he’s protesting having to do it, partly because everything he was supposed to complete in class comes home with him too.

His teacher tells me he is not disruptive but spends his time daydreaming or reading during class. When I question him about it, sometimes he says he’s bored in school and “there’s too much talking and not enough doing,” sometimes he says he just can’t concentrate, sometimes he tells me what he’s taught is “pointless” or “baby stuff” he knows already (though he doesn’t demonstrate he knows it), sometimes he's distracted by a book he’s reading or game he’s been playing and can’t get it out of his mind and focus on the task at hand.

What I can’t get out of my mind is that no matter how smart and creative you are, no matter what path you choose to follow, you have to be able to stay on task and manage your life to survive. Maybe he’s not ADHD, maybe he has some other problem. Maybe, God help us, he’s just hormonal. It would be nice to know.

October 3, 2006

Copyright 2006 Veronica McCabe Deschambault. All rights reserved.

Comments

[RD]

I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for both of you. I think you should go ahead and have your son "tested", just to get information. It could be he's got some other things bothering him. Maybe he's just not in the right learning environment--needs a different structure. Some gifted kids hit a roadblock like this from time to time.

[Char]

V - in many ways he sounds like N-boy. Does his school offer any gifted programs? Do they have a computer in the classroom? When N-boy was in 3rd grade they were reviewing for SOLs and he was BORED out of his skull - daydreaming, sharpening pencils with scissors, etc. I finally asked his teacher if he could somehow do his review by researching on the computer.

Some kids must do and can not just sit and listen. N-boy is that way and so am I. While I managed to get good grades in school, I was forever falling asleep during lectures - not because I was tired, but out of boredom. I am the same way still. I can not sit and watch TV without falling asleep. I can watch TV if I am doing crossword puzzles at the same time or surfing on my laptop.

I would look into other options besides ADHD. Learning styles and alternatives might be a good place to start.

[amber]

Hmm. I just had a conversation with a close friend the other night, about this issue in his life. He is really a brilliant, super dynamic guy. But he has had struggles with just feeling so distracted, and whatnot, all of his life. Then, he experienced a loss in his life, and these symtoms just got unbearable! It was like everything intensified withthe emotional changes.

He read this book (that I also read) called "Driven to Distraction", and another called "Delivered from Distraction".(You can find them on Amazon). He even got in touch with one of the authors, who has been working with him over the phone, and really has given him some tools and good advice.

When I was counseling, I would get so mad because I think ADHD is way over-diagnosed. Sometimes a kid would actually be having PTSD, becaue they had such tragmatic home-lives, and the symtoms are so alike. But no one would bother to find out what was going on, they would just give them meds and call it a day!

But these doctors/authors have really done a lot of research into ADHD, and it is more complex than we think. There are many different types and symptoms. For instance, I have a kind that just makes me very sensitive to light quality and sound. It is very hard for me to think clearly in certain enviroments, but much easier in others.Fake overhead lighting in classrooms, seem to leave me feeling drained and tired! It is very interesting.

It may help you recognize something in your son, that might help him, if you read these books. There may be something kind of simple you can change, and make a difference.

:)

[wordgirl]

Are there applied learning centers in Belgium? Those schools place more importance on "doing". Maybe his way of learning is just now kicking in and he needs to absorb information in a way that is different from his present method. It is a puzzle and I hope you find the solution soon.

[Shirley]

I am wondering if the testing they would do is a full battery of testing or just testing for ADHD. I think a full battery of testing that schools normally do could be helpful. Our son was very bright and often unfocused in school too. We pushed for testing and got him tested in 2nd grade and discovered he had a learning disability. (FYI--Kids with learning disabilities are usually brighter than average kids, who learn to compensate for their disabilities for years.) For a couple of years, he would go to an LD resource class part of the day. In his case, he learned better graphically. After he stopped going to the resource class (which gave him new mastery and confidence in areas he’d had problems with before), his only accommodation was more time given for assignments when needed and a distraction-free environment (e.g., he could take a test in a quiet place if needed). In time, he needed no special accommodations. He graduated as a distinguished honor graduate from high school last June. (He had other teenage issues in high school, but did fine with his academics for the most part.) The answers provided by testing can be very helpful to get one over a big bump in the road. If he is gifted and simply bored, that will show up on the typical battery of testing also.

All of you must be incredibly frustrated at this point. My heart goes out to you all. I know how you as parents feel, but also feel for your son. Imagine being at school all day and then spending another 4 hours trying to get homework done and play catch up. All of you know there has to be a better way, but you just don’t know what it is yet. Has the teacher provided any more insight? Generally, experienced teachers have a feel for whether the child can do the work and is bored or choosing not to do it, or has an issue that prevents them from doing it. Hmmm, I just re-read your entry ... she said he is daydreaming. Still I think I might ask her for her thoughts based on previous experiences she has had. I wonder if you could also get more information on the testing also. Best of luck during this challenging time.

[Michael]

Re: A's school issues.

I teach high school exclusively. For four years, I taught middle school.

Below are the questions many middle school teachers would ask elementary school teachers after a few drinks in the imaginary teacher"happy hour":

Do your students ever read?

Do they comprehend what they are reading?

Do your students learn to write simple and complex sentences?

Can they compose a paragraph?

Can they speak and read English?

Can they speak a language other than English?

Do your students understand math? (Not, can they do math problems, but rather do they understand the operations of division, multiplication, addition, and subtraction?)

Can they use a computer for purposes other than games?

Do they have basic manners, both in groups and individually?

Do they have good health habits?

Can they run, jump, swim, and perform exercises using their own body weight?

If elementary school teachers would focus on these things instead of "organized" backpacks and pointless homework assignments my remedial tasks would be reduced by 1/3.

If A can do these things, he's doing fine.

Mr. D had his share of teachers obsessed with being "organized." What they all had in common was that they didn't teach him very much...I recall a Mrs. Jones in 6th grade that nearly flunked him because he was missing a few page numbers off a notebook (what a twit). Thank God, this teacher didn't suck the love of learning and reading out of our son. He endured her class with our encouragement to do his best and just recognize that 6th grade won't last forever.

Teachers are professionaly obligated to consider and adapt their teaching methods to the variety of learning styles students present. It's tough for many teachers, particularly when a child's learning style is vastly different from your own. It's also tough when as a teacher you fail to see that your emphasis on tidiness and order conflicts with a child's own sense of what's important.

I work with 11-12 year old boys at Scout camp. They learn very complex things in camp...environmental science, engineering(pioneering:making things with rope and logs) and insect study. They memorize and learn fairly complicated facts and processes.

Back in their campsites, the insides of their tents are usually a trainwreck...stuff everywhere, but they can find what they need. Most of the younger boys also smell a little scruffy using their daily lake swim as their "bath", but nobody really cares. The middle school boys have learned about girls and hair-gel. They smell better, but are more annoying.

Both groups, often problematic at school,usually recall what they've learned in the things they've learned in camp.The magic of the Scouting movement is they can likely teach these same things to other boys when they are 15-16.

I love teaching, but what I have observed is that schools often demonstrate horrible academic practices for boys. Homework that has no purpose or learning value and assessments that test things of dubious value ring hollow with many young boys. They learn to abhor school, not learning.

My thoughts.

[mamatulip]

I read this last night and didn't know what to say. You always leave such thoughtful, wise comments on my blog and I really want to be able to do the same, but I just don't know what to say. I thought about giving you ((hugs)), but then I felt kind of stupid doing that when every other commenter had suggestions and/or advice for you.

And then I thought to myself just now, '((hugs)) are better than nuthin', right?'

[Wendy]

In Colorado, where I work in Special Ed...Gifted and Talented is actually under the umbrella of Special Ed. Kids process differently. Get him tested. I think if these probs are addressed early, kids don't lose their thirst for knowledge. As for the messy desk..well, I had a notoriously messy desk all through school..and one of the highest IQ's. Organizational skills and smarts...aren't nec. connected. I also can't spell...but am very literate. Find out how he learns the best..and feed him from there. Don't lose hope..Keep the faith.

[Annie]

I'm going to go ahead and jump on the "get him tested" bandwagon. But I second Shirley who suggested broader testing than just ADHD. I used to work at a center which did full spectrum testing (intake with a social worker, physician, education specialist, psychologist, etc.) and sat in on the meetings to diagnose and recommend treatments. It was amazing what different people in different settings discover. I realize it might be hard to find these services there in Belgium. I hope someone can help all of you find some answers so that daily life isn't always a battle. Life is too short to live with the uncertainty.

[TB]

Whatever it is, it WILL be nice to know. I know you didn't ask my advice, but why not take him to see someone now instead of waiting? I can tell from what you're writing about this situation that you are all just getting more frustrated. No matter what, there's help or answers out there to make it better.
I wish you the best of luck with this V and whatever you do, don't feel guilty. Sometimes this stuff is totally out of our control. I seem to remember you giving me this same advice recently :o) Thinking of you.

[V-Grrrl]

Wow. I value the collective wisdom, support, advice, and experiences I've gotten here.

I really appreciate all of you sticking with me as I think "out loud" about my son's situation. When we've had a rough day, I'm overcome by feelings of confusion and frustration. And then the next day, his behavior shifts, my mood lightens, and I'm confident everything will be fine.

I'm encouraged that his teacher is working closely with me to gauge what's going on. I'm researching my testing and evaluation options, both within his school and in the Belgian healthcare network just so I know what's available. I'm also trying to educate myself so we can be an active part of finding a solution to this problem if it persists or recurs. (See what an optimist I am, I said "IF it persists or recurs."

Thanks again for all the e-mails and comments.

[michelle]

Thanks for your comments on my blog. I certainly can identify with some of the feelings and emotions you have described. Hang in there. My dad always told me that parenting would be one of the hardest and most worth while things people ever do. I didn't truly understand what he said until recently.

[Dan]

Probably a dumb comment, but does he like being in Belgium?

[deezee]

I really feel for your situation. I can't even imagine what I'd do faced with the same dilemma.

You mention this started when moving to Belgium. Was there any resistence to the move in your son? If so, could this be part of the way it's playing out?