SHUT THAT KID UP

Pardon me while I rant about parents that don’t believe children are capable of mastering basic social skills, the ones that are oblivious to how disruptive their kids can be, the ones who smile indulgently when their kids speak loudly or out of turn, interrupt adults, or yell or holler indoors, the ones who think it’s fine for “kids to be kids,” regardless of the setting.

Sigh. People, there’s a time and place for everything.

Contrary to popular belief, it is quite OK to tell children to lower their voices, to use conversational tones, to stop shrieking or shouting, or to be completely quiet. Every thought that runs through their cute little heads does not need to come out their cute little mouths. If they master this concept early, they’ll grow up to be fully functioning members of society who can operate in a variety of settings. They’ll also have better marriages. : )

Knowing when and how to talk has to be taught EARLY and continually reinforced. If your home is a place where kids routinely bellow at the dinner table, interrupt conversations between you and your spouse, and refuse to let you talk on the phone or to another adult, they’re going to wind up having a very difficult time adjusting to school and other group settings where people will not be hanging on their every word. Sure kids have wise and funny things to say. Yes, they deserve to be listened to respectfully, but they also need to learn to speak respectfully.

No matter how cute, smart, spirited or precocious your child is, there are times when children should be SEEN and not HEARD. When an adult is talking, kids need to shut their word holes—regardless of whether that adult is a teacher, minister, Scout leader, coach, tour guide, or dinner guest. Same applies during weddings, graduations, school assemblies, movies, plays, concerts, and church services. And let’s lower the volume on trains, planes, and in automobiles.

Yes, I know, all kids have their own personalities and issues and different ages and stages dictate in part what’s reasonable to expect from them. I’m not ranting about kids with developmental problems or talking about round cheeked babies cooing occasionally, giving a little squawk of displeasure, or laughing happily. However, fussy or crying babies need to be removed from the scene of the crime, unless you’re on a plane, and then I send all my sympathy your way. If you think sitting near a crying baby on a plane is bad, try being the parent of a crying baby on a plane. No dirty looks allowed.

However, while I may grant Airplane Amnesty for parents, let me remind you that it’s stupid to take a hungry or tired infant or toddler out in public unless it’s absolutely necessary. We all know what happens next--MELTDOWNS. Hint: when you have kids, you have to put their needs before your own—and that means working around their sleeping and feeding schedules and accepting you’re going to miss some things in the process of doing that. Is it a pain in the ass? Do you have very limited time? Do you feel squashed by the limitations of life with an infant or toddler? Of couse you do. Hon, that’s PARENTING.

As for older kids, let me be blunt: if your kid can’t sit still or shut up, then don’t take them to places where it’s expected or required. If you have to take them, find a way to quietly channel their energy. If it’s a school play or awards assembly or something similar and you don’t want to miss the part where your other child gets to shine, then have a friend take your younger child out for a few minutes. Or take turns with your spouse outside. Just please don’t ruin the event for the rest of us by ignoring your child’s needs and limitations.

Acceptable ways to deal with a kid who can’t keep still or quiet do not include: letting kids play UNATTENDED in the back of the room or just outside it, letting them continually get in and out of their chairs, crawl under or over people, or wander endlessly up and down the aisles.

Thanks for letting me rant. I’m done now. Print this out and pass it on to people that need to read it so we can all enjoy the end-of-school-year events and activities and all those June weddings and graduations.

Copyright 2006 Veronica McCabe Deschambault. All rights reserved.

May 22, 2006

Comments

[Flubberwinkle]

Amen! Well-mannered kids do not happen, good parents make them happen. I'm sick of that lame excuse for inattentive parenting... "kids will be kids". No duh, but "parents SHOULD BE parents".

[Shirl Grrrl]

Ditto Flubberwinkle's "Amen!"

[Heather]

Amen! You're exactly right. Parents are too often "friends" instead of parents and it shows.

[Ceece]

bleah I agree. Case-in-point, on our flight home last night from Vegas, a cute little family scampered on board with there 4(?) yo son. Aww how cute a family coming home from vacation. Ha. that kid was up running around the entire flight. He would go up in the very front where the flight attendants were fixing the drinks and like just walk right in there. They had to call his parents to come get him several times. Then the could would run over to some poor unsuspecting bedgraggled traveler and just look at him and get all up in his business. His dad would come and get him after a while and just laugh and smile at everyone.

Hey, bucko, newsflash for ya-this shit aint cute!

[wordgirl]

Oh my god! You just addressed a major issue with me. My brother-in-law (and his wife) have a kid who says/does as he pleases. He always has. He's 6. When he was younger, they would allow him to run around in a restaurant. Crawl under the table. Disrupt. On one hand, the BIL enjoyed believing that he was cool with all of his "free child" way of raising his kid. On the other hand there was a part of him who realized it was disruptive to others. Now, we always made our kids bring a "day pack" of things to keep them occupied. Books, paper/pencil...whatever. So one night his kid is raising hell and crawling under the restuarant table and ours are sitting with open books...reading. Unable/unwilling to take responsibility for his son's behavior, he says in a loud voice to OUR kids, "Are you guys PROVOKING your cousin?"

Man, I was pissed.

[Mignon]

I hate it when a precocious child is encouraged to socialize with strangers in a public setting. Not only is it annoying, but it makes me afraid for the child when confronted by strangers away from his/her parents.

[TB]

I don't have kids, so I don't know exactly how hard it is to control them in public. But I HOPE I'll raise well-behaved children and not brats. I'm going to try.

[Annie]

I just returned from a trip to see a military change of command and also a military retirement. My one year old did great the previous week at another retirement so I took him to this one. I basically missed the whole ceremony as I was outside, walking him in his stroller as he cried until he finally submitted to naptime. I had left him with a sitter for the earlier ceremony. Would I have liked to sit through my friend's retirement? Sure. But I was not going to disrupt the entire ceremony with my squalling child. Parents have responsibilities to their children and to those around them. Undisciplined children become undisciplined adults. Who aren't nearly as cute.

[amber]

I couldn't agree more! Some people think I am too strict with my son, but I just think people are too stinkin' touchy feely these days, and have forgotten what teaching your child to have manners looks like. You don't have to smack your kid to teach them respect and good behavior! And it won't kill them to know they are not the center of the whole world all the time.

:)

[Callie]

First of all, this is my first time here. I keep seeing you linked here and there and tonight I finally clicked on over. TOTALLY worth it!

I completely agree with this post. I was outside for the entire ceremony for my brother's wedding because my travel-weary 2 year-old had a major meltdown. I exited at the first wimper.

On the other hand, I have often had to schlep my kids through grocery stores while they were being less than angels.

I do think that the unpredicatbility of kids can sometimes ADD to a situation, though. For instance, once we were at my stepdaughter Carrie's 5th grade play. She was dressed as a sausage (don't ask) and Henry (who had so far been very quiet during the play) exclaimed, "But HOW are we going to get Carrie OUT of there (meaning out of her very constricting costume)??!" The whole audience roared.