Insomnia

2:14 a.m. Sleep recedes like a blanket that slides off the bed, and I’m wide awake—vulnerable to the darkness, my fears uncovered.

I worry about my son as he inches toward adolescence. So many concerns as we try to strike a balance between equipping him to be independent while providing enough structure and consequences to hold him accountable for his choices. Isn’t there a verse somewhere in the Old Testament that celebrates a time when “justice and mercy have kissed”? I can’t remember it here in the dark, so I pray in my heart to balance justice and mercy as I struggle with parenting my son. 

The dark knows no boundaries and my anxieties balloon and rise. I wonder about how we’ll transition back to life in the U.S. when we return in 2008. Where will we live and where will the kids go to school? They went to private schools before, but I’m not sure we’ll be able to afford that option if we move closer to Washington. Wondering about my work situation…and whether I’ll ever live in our cozy Cape Cod on Cleveland Drive again. The night is full of questions, not answers.

Like a toddler, I bring the blanket to my cheek and listen to E breathe. I look for a comfortable place to rest my mind and my body. I try to exhale my fears, to push them away and let them drift into nothingness.

Sunday morning is coming with all its rituals--pancakes and bacon and all of us together around the kitchen table and then church and communion, with the four of us lined up in a pew and then along the altar rail.  Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. I have to keep faith that we're going to be OK.

September 10, 2006

Comments

[RD]

Night time is the worst of times for me as well, the time my mind races and seems to focus on the "dark side". The moment my heart takes that leap is terrible because I know I might be awake the rest of the night battling my demons. Everything seems impossible in the middle of the night. Thanks for making me feel more "normal" about my irrational night terrors! Yes, we will all be OK.

[TB]

You know I can feel your pain with the insomnia. You have a lot on your mind right now. Is it true you are almost halfway done with your tenure in Belgium? That's got to be exciting and scary all at the same time with so much involved in a intercontinental move.

[Shirl Grrrl]

I hear ya loud and clear. All the worries of the world seem to come to me in the dark of night. Those are the times I wish for a little switch to turn off the thoughts so sleep will come. Then comes the debate... do I just get up and "do" something or do I lay there and hope that sleep will come sooner rather than later. I hate those nights...

[Lynn]

I hate those nights too... Usually I try to calm my thought by remembering Bible verses and other spiritual ideas, things I've memorized over the years. I can't rattle off lots of them, but I have committed some to memory as fodder for thought in those dark hours (or if I'm in the car or at school). Lots of times I have to start simply, like with the Lord's prayer - and have to say it lots of times because I get side-tracked worrying about something else. But it does help, usually.

[Elisabeth]

Insomnia - I never really suffered from it until menopause. Hot flashes and night sweat will do it to you. I used to worry tons about the future, and I think that it's the nature of the beast when you have children who are on the edge of puberty/adolescence.

I can feel for you and your unrest at the prospect of returning to life in the U.S. in a few years, and your worry about what this all entails. In the meantime, life unfolds, and our worries do not really prevent that from happening.