It's never quiet on the homefront...

The latest from the parenting files:

Right before lunch, I got a call from the vice principal at school--Mr. A had been sent to the office TWICE today.

Reason for the first trip: on the playground at morning recess, he and four other boys were caught preparing to go dumpster diving to collect materials to build a robot. Yes, I know this is disgusting and dangerous but it is so like my son, whose motto should be "I. Must. Build. Or. I. Will. Die." This is what I get for encouraging his creativity and allowing him to drag potential building materials home on "big trash" day in our neighborhood. Of course, if he flunks out of elementary school, the dumpster diving skills may come in real handy.

He and the other boys were sent to the office by the recess monitor and given lunch detention. Then before he even serves his lunch detention, he gets sent to the office by his teacher for CLIMBING THE WALLS in the boys' bathroom. No explanation why, not that there is any reasonable explanation for climbing the walls in the bathroom, unless he was planning on diving into the toilet. Really, if you're a child who considers dumpster diving, how much grosser is toilet diving?

When the vice principal told me about the evil plans to build a robot, my first impulse was to laud the kids' teamwork and creativity, but I stopped myself from laughing and assumed the proper "concerned parent" voice. Secretly I'm thinking letting them see what's in a dumpster would better deter further dumpster adventures than detention. But hey, I'm sure that's not allowed.

After the bathroom incident, the vice principal puts my son on the phone to talk to me. My sage advice: when you are on the playground, use the jungle gym EQUIPMENT for exercise and climbing and get that out of your system, and save robot building for home where we have lots of (clean) materials to work with.

He spent all afternoon in detention, and then we got a call from his teacher suggesting we all get together to explore the idea that maybe the Boy Genius/Homework Dropout has ADD. Sigh.

I considered this possibility last year and researched it fairly extensively. While I felt he had some of the symptoms some of the time, the only problem we had all of the time was his complete lack of organizational skills. Maybe his ADD is ADD and can't stay on task! Ha, ha, ha. The disorder within the disorder.

Right now it is very hard to keep him focused, but next quarter he may come home and do everything on his own. That's been the pattern the last year or so--a few months "on" and a few months "off."  Anyway, I welcome the opportunity to get a professional and objective opinion on his behavior and have some testing done, though I wonder who is available and qualified to do it here in Belgium where I think labeling kids ADD or ADHD isn’t common. I also wonder how his school, which is  small, will be able to accommodate his needs.  I wouldn't want to resort to medication if changes in his learning environment would help him succeed.

As my mom would say, one day at a time. We'll see where this journey takes us.

September 26, 2006

Comments

[RD]

Your son seems to be a very creative mind and I would be SO VERY HESITANT to label him ADD and put him on medication. He's obvioiusly got his own learning style--I realize the challenge is in feeding the creativity without disrupting the rest of the class. He's a kid, and kids have tremendous energy and curiousity. I think we've done a tremendous disservice to our children in this country by drugging them up so easily. Having said that, I understand that there may only be so many calls you can take from the school without doing SOMETHING. I keep reminding myself that this too will pass. Good luck!

[Shirley]

As a former teacher and parent of a boy, I really think these incidents are typical behavior. Granted they are a lot for one day, but we always found it to be that way with our son, he would go along fine for weeks and then go on a spell of doing things very similar to Mr. A. As a teacher, I would not have sent the kids to the office for either of those behaviors. Like RD said, they have a tremendous amount of energy and sometimes they just have a hard time containing themselves. Our son spent all his time at that age outside of school playing in the woods, constructing forts, cutting down trees with his bow saw, etc. I think it really helped him "maintain" most of the time in the classroom, but we still got calls from the teacher and the principal occasionally. I agree that way too many kids are labeled ADD. We are certain my husband would have been labeled ADD in his youth, but thankfully that was before ADD became the diagnosis for so many and really he was just a high energy kid. Certainly putting routines in place like an ordered process for what he has to do when he comes home from school before he can go off and be creative can be really helpful. If testing is ultimately pursued and he's determined to be ADD, please do consider that gluten issues can also be a cause of this behavior. (I know that would be unlikely, but since my soapbox is gluten awareness and they can be a factor in ADD, I feel I should mention it.) I am sure that Mr. A is a good kid. I would have loved him in my classroom because he was so active and creative. He probably would have driven me nuts at times, but I still would have loved having him in my class! I mean searching a dumpster for robot materials ... pretty cool ... not the cleanest or safest thing to do unsupervised, but hey as an adult I still love finding treasures and recycling things (and am not opposed to grabbing them off the curb before the garbage truck arrives). Hugs to you, mom, but I really don't think this situation is as bad as it's being made out. Hoping that Mr. A will calm down for a while and things will be okay.

[e]

just fyi, ADD is really only a form of ADHD, and does not actually exist as a seperate problem. kids that are labeled ADD infact, have ADHD but may not have as much of the hyperness factor as other kids with the problem. however, they are typically treated the same as many psychologists and psychiatrists have moved towards thinking of them as the same thing. also, if he has the ability to focus at all, as you said, having a few months "on", most likely means that he is not ADHD, but may just not be creatively stimulated by school. just a thought.

[V-Grrrl]

Thanks Shirley, RD, and e

He doesn't display the hyperactive component at all--from the time he was a toddler, he's had a rather remarkable ability to sit still. He has great social skills and is very bright but resistant to doing any work he doesn't like. However, on his own, he'll research topics he's interested in (mostly things on animal care or camping and survival skills) and make scrapbooks or write reports on the topics. He'll also make spreadsheets detailing everything he'd need to adopt a guinea pig and how much it would cost, though he doesn't usually manage to save the money! He's very creative in using found objects to make things--loves to work three dimensionally and to take things apart and fix them.

I do think he'd benefit from a more interactive, hands-on learning environment, but my English-language education options are pretty limited here in Belgium, and he's getting to an age (11) where those environments are harder to find.

[wordgirl]

Here's hoping this stressful situation resolves itself quickly. Still thinking about you.

[Tonya]

Sounds to me like he is just being a normal boy (and that is so discouraged nowadays.) Plus, if he is really smart he could just be bored. I hated 5th grade because all the teacher did was make us do cross word puzzles. So, I quit. My grades took a tumble and no one knew what to do. I still swear it wasn't me it was that dumb teacher - but who listens to someone in 5th grade. He also always put one stupid answer on all the multiple choice tests. They were so obvious that I always marked them, because he would KNOW that I was joking. No one ever bought that, either.
The only thing that snapped me out of it was a talk by my uncle, and knowing that one day I would escape that teacher.
Overseas education options are limited, but check out what else is available. Maybe someone has a teaching style more in tune with your son.

[Michael]

Hey V...He's a boy. Boys learn with manipulatives...junk, things, and in my case, explosives.

Schools, particularly elementary schools, are not run today by now-grown boys (called men, today) My sense as a teacher is that we teach boys too often in style that is best not suited for them. Schools have too much sitting and listening. They emphasize obedience, conforming, and memorization of un-related facts. There's far too little creative expression or kinesthietic learning.

Digging in a trash can or testing your climbing skills is not miscreant behavior. In my school I'd tell Mr. A's cohorts to at least put on some gloves while digging in the trash or at least name the robot after Ms. Smith who acts like a robot. Climbing in the bathroom I'd ask him to rate the wall as either a Class 5-6?

I teach in an urban school in Oakland. Oh, to have such "problems" as curious A poses.


In either case I'd give them a 10 second scolding about being careful and tell them to get back to class. Who'd call a parent about this? I'll tell you who. Only a weak school administrator too caught up in their own rules. I would ask why a boy w/ Mr. A's gifts would be so bold to enrich the science curriculum or explore his own physical skills because PE has been eliminated.

Our own son challenged more than his share of small-minded administrators. A's fine.

[Lynn]

Adding my 2 cents as a teacher also. I'm not surprised that they threw out the ADD question. I'd advise you to stay your course - don't put him on the meds yet if you really don't have to. I distinctly remember one kid going on Ritalin and it really changed him from a neat, high spirited kid into one who was more obedient but didn't have that spark of life that he used to have. Not all kids have such a drastic change but I really remember that one. I think A is really really creative and smart and showing real leadership. These are qualities we really need in society - if he can rein them in while he's at school, but still try to exercise them at other times I think we'll all be better off! Mr. T. in my house promises me he'll invent a robot to clean the house and grade my papers so I can play with him more often, I say we get the two of them cracking on it and then Michael and I can play more with our families!

[Elisabeth]

That ADD label is only to often slapped on plainly normal little boys, who then are medicated to a point where they lose their luster. My brother, some 40 to 45 years ago, was labeled every bad word by the teachers and administrators at the Catholic school he attended. Then, when he was 17, my father made the best decision he could have ever made for him, and sent him for a year to the U.S. as an exchange student. He also made sure that my brother would be at another school upon his return to France, so that he could have a "fresh start." My brother returned totally changed. He was the top student of his class when in terminale, passed his baccalaureat with honors, completed engineering school and got a doctorate in chemistry (by the way, chemistry had always heen his main passion - never mind that there was a period when he and I made explosives.)

You son may actually be a genius. He appears to me to be amazingly creative. I am sure that his behavior must be frustating to you at times, and that getting those phone calls from school is no fun, but don't let them bully you into believing for one minute that he is an ADD child.

[deezee]

The rush to put kids on meds these days is heartbreaking. I agree that your son sounds remarkably creative and just doesn't want to be tamed right now. And while it may be hard on everyone, he'll probably end up far more interesting than his more agreeable peers.

So, does he respond to bribery?? ;)