A special dedication

Dedicated to all those parents and teachers mightily trying to deal with the kids in their lives. Remember, for every problem there is a humorous solution! I bring you: 

Ten Reasons for My Son's School Behavior:

1.     We’ve consulted our Shaman and agree with him that our son has too much Fire and Wind in his aura and not enough Earth. We’re having him sleep outside and adding iron to his diet to help him become more grounded. Can he sit under a tree during math?

2.     Our macrobiotic nutrition counselor has detected an imbalance in his Yin and Yang. She recommends more brown rice (short grain, not long grain!), no fruit, and less acidic foods in his diet.  Please notify the cafeteria.

 3.     We believe the reason our son doesn’t function well in the classroom is because he is the reincarnation of the Buddha. He is not in fact “daydreaming” when he stares off into space and ignores you, he is meditating and cleansing his mind of all you are trying to shove into his head. Don’t be offended—he cleanses his mind of what we tell him too! It’s not easy being The One—especially in Northern Europe where so few are traveling the Lotus Way .

4.     We’ve evaluated the classroom and found the feng shui to be nightmarish. All that blocked energy—there is no flow! No wonder he’s not doing his schoolwork. I think school performance would be enhanced if his desk was turned to the northwest, the shades were raised, the clock moved to the opposite wall, mirrors strategically placed behind the teacher's desk, and some plants added to the back of the room. We are very concerned about all the damp energy emanating from the sink. Can that be taken out? You might also consider adding windchimes above the door. Ding a ling!

5.     We practice acupuncture and know that a few needles inserted into his temples during third period will help him survive language arts. Can the school nurse help us with this? Of course we’d supply the needles—we don’t expect special treatment from the school, though I suppose we're entitled under the Americans with Disabilities Act.  I'm just sayin...

6.     My chiropractor says my son is maladjusted—but not in the way you think. His problem is concentrated at C3 and a few months of appointments should correct his neurological disturbances. He’s just having a little midbrain spasm right now--bear with us.

7.     This is all diet related! After extensive testing, we’ve discovered he reacts to one of the sub-proteins in his morning oatmeal, and this is the root cause of his hatred of worksheets. You’ll be glad to know we’re switching to grits and you should see an immediate improvement!

8.     We didn’t make it to Mecca this year and our cleric was kidnapped by insurgents. I can see the effect of this on my darling boy. Please know his behavior is not jihad against the forces of structured education, but just a bump on the road to lasting peace. Trust us, he loves totalitarian rule!

9.    We’ve consulted our pastor and he thinks God is punishing you by placing our renegade son in your care. We are all praying for you, that you’ll see your faults, confess your sins, accept Jesus as your personal Savior and accept my son as the Cross you must bear on your way to heaven. Shall we bow our heads and pray?

10.   His father and I have carefully reviewed our sons’ psychological test results and his personal history, and we don’t believe he has ADHD. Y’all, the ugly truth is that he’s just a part-time Pain in the Ass (a PITA!), and we’re thinking if you take a daily dose of Zoloft, you’ll be able to deal with it, though Valium might work better for some and estrogen-replacement therapy might be just the thing for others. Consult your doctors. Remember y’all, for every problem, there is a pharmaceutical solution!

Copyright 2006 Veronica McCabe Deschambault. All rights reserved. You may link to this entry or e-mail it to someone directly from this site by clicking Post Comment below. Thank you!

September 27, 2006

Comments

[Ash]

LOL!

[Shirley]

Humor is the best medicine! I think number 10 is right on ... it's either the Zoloft or the Valium ... although Xanax is good, and FYI, the estrogen replacement solves lots of problems, but that wasn't one of them--for me anyway. If you don't drug yourself, the only other solution is kiddie tranquilizers, but then you'd have a Stepford kid and really why bother having a kid if he's going to be a Stepford kid ... do you really want a robot for a kid? Ah, robot, kind of takes it full circle, doesn't it? LOL Great job keeping your chin up! Seriously, are there any after school programs that would help your DS expend that energy and creativity? Perhaps something like that would be enough incentive for him to maintain as much as possible in the classroom geared to the quiet child. They have programs in the states (can't recall the names) where the kids build robots and such on a regular basis.

[V-Grrrl]

Hey, if we medicate the teachers and parents, the kids won't need it. ; )

[Shirl Grrrl]

And there are a lot of parents out there that need it! A friend recently told me of another parent that is at war with our elementary school for showing an episode of Arthur to her kindergartner's class. ARTHUR! For Pete's sake! And there are other things this woman is complaining about as well. Yep, she needs a good dose of Valium...

[Lisa]

*LOL* :D That is one of the coolest things I've ever read!

[Mary]

My daughter had a prescription for liquid suspension Valium from the time she was 15 months to three years. It was for giving her during fevers. She had two febrile seizures before by 15 months old and it was a precautionary thing. I always looked very longingly at that little bottle of fluid. When she turned three and we no longer needed to give it to her, I thought long and hard about giving myself a little tranquilizer treat! ;)

[wordgirl]

This is the funniest post I've read in quite a while. My life is one prolonged midbrain spasm, to borrow your wording, I just read this aloud to Mr. Half and we're still laughing. Fabulous post!

[amber]

You are so witty! And creative. You are in trouble if your son takes after you in thie area... he may not use his powers only for good. ;)

:)

[Flubberwinkle]

You left out another possible reason. Little man may have stumbled upon a "rock-from-another-planet-energy-ball"...

Our little PIAs sometimes make us feel like they're from another planet. You need to find the "shiny green rock" (aka cryptonite) to level things out.

Peace and short-grain brown rice be with you!
:-D

[TB]

Perhaps a magnet in his seat to go along with the extra iron in his diet?


But in all seriousness, I hope this all gets worked out soon.

[Clare]

Are you sure its not anything to do with climate change?

LOL.

[Nancy]

This is too funny. :-)

[Dawn]

Instead of reading my riveting "Research Methods" book, here I am...laughing.

And after teaching in Vermont, you'd be surprised at what some families might ask you to do...

(And I only ever asked that the Native shaman be able to sing and smudge my daughter while she studies in MAth class - come ON!)