Conversation with My Keyboard

V-Grrrl: The weather is supposed to be beautiful all week, Keyboard. I don’t think we’ll be spending much time together.

Keyboard: Oh thanks. Now I know what the opposite of “a fair weather friend” is.

V-Grrrl: All the sunshine has me thinking of our summer trip to Virginia and Florida.

Keyboard: Are you going to hit the beach?

V-Grrrl: Yeah, and I can’t wait to cross the dunes and see the waves. I’m sure we’ll be spending time at the pool as well.

Keyboard: Oooh. That means you’ll have to wear a swimsuit.

V-Grrrl: I know. I’ve been avoiding wearing a swimsuit for the last few years because I feel so self-conscious, but you know, that’s just stupid. When I was younger, I vowed I would never morph into one of those simpering middle-aged women who thought their lives were over when they stopped wearing bikinis.

Keyboard: Exactly! Life’s too short to spend time worrying about your pot belly.

V-Grrrl: That's not a pot belly, Keyboard, that's a "love bumper." Ahem! Besides, I've been so busy thinking about the blue veins on my legs that I forgot all about the belly. I wonder if my old suit still fits. I’ll have to try it on.

(V-Grrrl digs through the plastic box under the bed and finds her cute Hawaiian tank suit with the low cut back. She shimmies into it, thinking it’s tight but maybe she can get away with it.)

Keyboard: Hmmm, it’s not awful but it’s not good either. Let me see the back.

(V-Grrrl turns. Her Keyboard gasps and types some exclamation points. !!!!!!)

V-Grrrl: What Keyboard? What’s wrong? (V-Grrrl stretches to catch sight of her reflection) Oh no! No, no, no! I have BACK fat! How did that happen?

Keyboard: Just when you’d made peace with your front fat, the back fat stages an ambush from behind.

V-Grrrl: No lie! Gah! I had no idea that was there! Where did it come from? This looks horrible. We can’t have the Hawaiian tank suit cutting into the back fat like a knife slicing ham. Quick Keyboard, take me over to Landsend.com. I need to pack my back fat away. I need a Slender Suit!

Keyboard: Or a Miracle Suit. Or maybe just a miracle…

V-Grrrl: I'll take whatever I can get. If you find a miracle for sale, charge it!

March 27, 2007

Copyright 2007 Veronica McCabe Deschambault and V-Grrrrl in the Middle. All rights reserved.

Comments

[Di]

Just a bit of giggling from over here in Antewrpen.

I remember lying in the river, mellowing out as a kid, knowing I would never become a person who resisted swimming ... dammit, they should teach this in school so we stay conscious

[Shirl Grrrl]

I found my back fat when on a whim, I tried on my wedding dress... I barely got it zipped and it was all due to an expansion above the waist (and it wasn't my boobs that grew)! I hate wearing a bathing suit but this is what gets me through the summer... knowing that I sure look better than most of the other people that I have to look at in their bathing suits! Holy Crap! They should not be allowed to leave their houses!

[V-Grrrl]

Shirl,

Why do we never gain weight in our boobs? Why? Why?

[Inside Out]

Mrs Inside out is the same way. She's 31 and wears a Granny suit. Like a full body thing with a little skirt attached. She has tried every diet on the market and tries to set me up for the "do I look fat in this ambush". Thing is I think she is as beautiful as the day we met, but when I tell her that she accuses me of fibbing and get upset. These are the times I am thankful to be a man and content with my bear gut...I/O

[Mary-LUE]

Your conversations with your typewriter are may favorites! (And Land's End is always where I get my swimsuits. They're the best!)

[V-Grrrl]

Hey Inside Out, that's not a beer gut, it's a love bumper baby.

And your wife is GORGEOUS. I've seen her photos on your blog and she looks like a Texas beauty queen. Go Mrs. I/O!

[platypus]

Ha! Great post! I hope you found a suit you were happy with - there's nothing worse than feeling over-exposed and self-conscious on a beach. Well there is, but it sucks anyway. :)

[bice]

It sounds like your body has gone Socialist on you and is spreading the wealth - if you will - among the mass.

[furiousBall]

I dread bathsuits now. My hair is migrating, I'm not losing much, but there's apparently really good real estate on my back.

[Amber]

hehehe, oh jeez! You silly nunu. So funny.

I can no longer live without a sarong when I have to wear a suit. A LONG one.

:)

[V-Grrrl]

furiousBall,

We'll call that the teddy bear effect!

[TB]

I have back fat right now too, but I am telling myself it's just the extra skin that is overflowing from my boobs in the front. We're up to almost an E now that colostrum has come in. Good lord!

[Jill]

As someone who just was forced by her children to put on a bathing suit for a beach trip, I can relate. My keyboard is still not speaking to me.

[Nance]

LOL. Your love bumper can also be called a "menopot." That term came to me in a word-a-day mailing list. I think I unsubscribed from that one on that particular day.