Middle School looms on the horizon

Last week I went to a meeting for parents of rising middle school students. The school counselor was there to tell us all about how our kids' lives were changing, how to choose electives, how to plan for college, and the importance of time management and organizational and study skills in the coming years.

Gulp.

I knew this was coming. I’ve been preparing my son and talking about it, but now we’re taking our first baby steps forward, and it’s sobering. Adolescence is looming. My kids are growing up. The stakes are being raised.

A college prep schedule was distributed, graduation requirements outlined, and diploma endorsements described. Other parents immediately began peppering the counselor with questions:

Can a student take Algebra I in eighth grade?

Can an eighth grader study two languages at once?

Why wasn’t band offered earlier?

Why didn’t they split third period between PE and study skills classes—alternating?

How are you going to keep smart kids challenged?

What about advanced placement tests?

My lack of questions made me feel complacent by comparison. I often feel this way as a school parent. Many of the parents I encounter are very competitive and assertive in trying to shape school offerings and policies and advance their kids. I’m not like that.

Is my satisfaction with the schools my kids have attended a sign that I’m not pushing them hard enough or paying close enough attention? Or are the schools fine and the other parents overly anxious? It seems anxiety is contagious. One person asks questions and asserts our kids aren’t going to be able to compete with kids from other schools, and then the mood shifts in the room and everyone starts to squirm and feel uneasy.

Like anyone else, I want my children to be challenged to do their best in a positive and supportive learning environment. I want them to be well educated, well rounded, and ready to succeed on their own, but while the quality of the school is a big part of that equation, I think their attitude may even be a bigger key to their eventual success.

What I want to see develop in my kids is accountability and responsibility. I want them to set their own goals and only look to me for guidance, not an agenda. I want them to recognize that barring extenuating circumstances, their success or failure in school is their own doing. They’re not poor or disadvantaged in any way. They’re both bright. They may occasionally find themselves in less than perfect circumstances in the classroom or the school, but they should make the best of it. They need to visualize the life they want as an adult and then recognize that the big and small choices they’re making right now will influence how and when (and if) they arrive at the place they want to be in life.

So as we approach the beginning of the home stretch in parenting, I remember when E and I were teaching them to ride bikes. I tell myself that our role at this point is to run behind and hold onto the seat of the bike. They have to pedal. They have to learn to steer.

Before I know it, I will have to let go and watch them glide away and disappear in the distance. I’m praying in that moment that they’ll have learned to keep their balance and move forward under their own power down whatever path they choose.

April 30, 2007

© 2007 Veronica McCabe Deschambault and V-Grrrl in the Middle. All rights reserved.

Comments

[RD]

What a great post! As a parent of a 6th grader, I can fully relate to your hopes and aspirations for your children--and to your parenting style. I've commented to my husband about some of the parents in our school who seem to hover over, not only over their kids, but the teachers and the staff as well, day in and day out, making sure that no one misses a step. It's unnerving, and disabling to the education process. The bike riding analogy is right on! I suspect that your kids will grow up to be just the adults you envision.

[echo]

I think that's a great philosophy for school and parenting in general. I taught preschool for a couple years and I was completely shocked to find how serious, competitive and worried parents could get. The children who were the most well adjusted always had parents who were supportive and encouraging but let them do their own thing, get dirty and make mistakes.

[Shirl Grrrl]

I so agree with you on this. J and I are laid back parents and over-anxious, pushy parents make us feel uncomfortable not only with them but with ourselves.

[Tera]

Hold on tight for the ride...and then watch as they take off on their own, and come back crying for kisses when they get their bumps and bruises. Being a parent is a tough job. I tend to kiss my kids when they fall and then remind them to climb back on and try again...and I try not to pressure them when that fall is too big and they aren't ready to take that big step just yet. I think some parents try too hard to get their kiddo to climb back on and they become fearful of not succeeding. Good luck with that next big ride. You're all going to come out completing that 50 mile bike tour.

[wendy]

I agree with you whole heartedly on the school issue. To many parents think they can guide their children by holding on to the steering wheel.

In my opinion, training is training. Get the basics instilled early. Then add one new skill..then another. Look for any hole in the methodology.Look for any special talents. Play to those. Be creative about getting around weakness. Everyone has them.

and let them hit the wall everyonce in a while..so they know that they are not covered in bubblewrap.
Maybe even let them fail a time or too. Then help bring them back and build them up again.

You can provide the structure. They provide the push!

Loved this post!

[Jacl]

My kids are younger than yours, but still I appreciate the sentiments you expressed here.

[Brooke]

Oh god...I'm scared already and I'm only three months in.

Help.

[Lynn]

What great thoughts. I love that you want to raise responsible children with good attitudes and work ethics. As a high school teacher I teach many kids whose parents are uncomfortable and anxious. They want to get their kids into the "best" colleges. Many times the things they want for their kids aren't really in the child's best interest. I have a pre-calculus student right now who doesn't always do his homework, doesn't turn in projects, etc. His mom wants all of his teachers to notify her every time he misses any assignement. I give a syllabus out every unit so the students and parents know what's coming - I correspond with her frequently, but I can't remember to contact parents after EVERY day if their child misses one assignment. I don't think that will help prepare him for college or a job. I'm trying to wean myself away from my 6 and almost 8 year olds while they do their homework, I tell them it's their job, not mine. I answer questions and I help them, but I'm trying not to sit with them while they do it.

[V-Grrrl]

Striking a balance between monitoring the kids' homework and yet holding them accountable for it is really hard. It's something I feel I'm always working on as a parent.

[Michael]

Middle school.....ugggggg...consider freezing them.

I taught these beasts for five years. Every day was a new thrill ride. Little can bother you after you teach middle school.

The boss will verify this: since I began teaching AP History and Government(high school upperclassmen) I drink less.

Have fun.

[Lynn]

Oooooh, freezing them!!! I'd never thought of that!! I personally hated those middle school years growing up and would gladly have bypassed them, maybe that would have been a good option for me too!!

God bless you for teaching there for 5 years too - I much prefer high school age kids (although right now my students are definitely feeling frisky with spring coming... ick... I'm constantly on PDA patrol in the hall now)

[V-Grrrl]

PDA patrol?

I'm familiar with that--only in my house we have to be careful about Private Displays of Affection. ;D

[Nance]

Michael--interesting. I drink more now that I teach honors. I find that I am disappointed more; that I am badgered by parents (the kind that V described, i.e. "helicopter parents) more; that I am working harder. My one class of regular juniors are pleasanter, more fun, and much less irritating and spoiled. They know that if they don't do "A" work, they don't deserve an "A." Some of the honors kids act like the descriptor entitles them to one, regardless of effort.

[Amber]

I think you are right. I really admire you as a parent, just from what you have said here on your blog. I love how your kids are so curious about the world, and nature and science. And how they create ways to learn all on their own. I think the reason why is because you are like you are. i think parents are doing too much for their kids and not allowing the kids to figure life out, or feel the real deal and get over it.

I just read this great book you would like. It's called The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, by Wendy Mogel.Ph.D.

Ps. Thank you for being so happy for me today! It isn't all done yet, though, so wish me well. ;)

:)

[littlepurplecow]

I'm with you, sister. They are bound to fall off the bike before they catch their stride, but who wants to peddle through life with training wheels. Helping your child establish a strong sense of self-reliance is the best lesson you can give.

PS - I'm liking your new look here. Very hip.