Discussing what it means to be gay
May 14, 2007 at 10:49 Peter wrote about how disappointing a weekend visit with his straight family was. A single gay man, he felt pushed to the sidelines and ignored as everyone focused exclusively on the traditional family in their midst—the married couples and the grandchildren. It was as if he didn’t have a life worth inquiring about.
It reminded me of a recent conversation I had with my 9-year-old daughter about families. Her school has a lot of gay faculty, and as far as I know, sexual orientation is a non-issue with students and parents alike. I’ve never heard sexual orientation discussed among the school moms or in a social setting. It’s only occasionally been mentioned in private one-on-one conversation.
I’ve never been bothered by the idea of gay teachers though I admit I was surprised to see so many in one place. I think having my children in daily contact with gay adults is an advantage in a way. I figured it would be easier to discuss sexual orientation with them if there were people in their life who could put a face on the issue. I don’t want them to think of gays as a term describing people who are vastly different from them and on some fringe. They need to know they probably have more in common with gay people than not, that in most settings whether someone is gay or straight doesn’t matter.
Still, discussing sexual orientation with a 9 and an 11-year-old isn’t an easy thing, but not talking about it leaves a gap in their education that could easily be filled with misinformation or hate-mongering. I’d been considering how to approach the topic when E-Grrrl opened a door to start a conversation.
She was discussing a teacher at school and as an aside said that she wondered why that person wasn’t married. Hmmm, as a parent I was curious why this topic was on her mind. Was this something that was being discussed among her friends at school, and what exactly were they saying?
So as I always do when my kids ask a question on a delicate topic, I ask it back to see where they’re coming from:
“I don’t really know. Why do you think Mr. So-and-So isn’t married?”
“Well,” she said, “Being a teacher is a hard job and takes a lot of time. He may not have time for a family.”
“That’s true. Some jobs are very demanding, and sometimes people choose not to get married so they can focus on their work. Why else do you think someone might not be married?”
“Well being married is a big responsibility. Once you get married and have kids, you have to do things for your family all the time whether you feel like it or not, and some people might not like that.” Again, I’m impressed with her answer.
“You’re right, some people don’t want to get married or have kids for that reason and there’s nothing wrong with that. And then some people would like to get married but just haven’t met the right person to do that with. They’re dating, looking to meet someone they might like to start a family with. People that aren’t married are known as singles.”
And then I take the plunge:
“But there’s another reason some people don’t get married and have kids…”
E-Grrrl looks at me expectantly.
“Most people from the time they’re small children think about growing up and being with someone who is a different sex than they are. Little girls imagine they will grow up and start a family with a man when they’re an adult and little boys usually think that they’ll grow up and marry a woman. They are attracted to the people that are the opposite sex: girls to boys and boys to girls.
“But while that’s true for most people in the world, some people are different. They imagine building a life with someone who is the same sex as them: a boy thinks about being with a boy, a girl about being with a girl.”
And E-Grrrl adds her thoughts:
“Oh yeah. I can see why that would happen. Wouldn’t it be fun to live with your best friend from third-grade when you grew up? You could share an apartment and have jobs!”
Oops, not quite what I was getting at. Where to go from here without saying more than she needs to know at this point? I just want to introduce a concept here.
“No, that’s not exactly what I mean. I’m not talking about girls living with girls or boys living with boys as friends. I’m talking about when they live together as a family. When they’re not just roommates but want to be together like Daddy and I are together, forming a family….”
I trail off, knowing I’m heading in the right direction but not sure how far to go down this road.
“Oh,” she says, “They want to be a family?”
“Yeah, “ I said, and then added, “But that bothers some people. Because most people in the world make a family with someone who is the opposite sex, some people don’t like those who don’t feel the same way. People who want to be with people of the same sex are called gay people, and some people don’t like gay people because they think being gay is wrong, and that gay people should not have boyfriends or girlfriends. Some people really hate gay people.”
E-Grrrl becomes indignant.
“That’s crazy. Why should anyone care who you make your family with when you’re a grown up! It’s none of their business. It doesn’t affect them! What difference does it make who you live with when you’re an adult?”
“You’re exactly right. That’s true. What you have to understand is that because most people are one way, they feel uncomfortable around people that are different. It’s understandable if you feel uncomfortable; we’re all uncomfortable in new situations. After a while, what seems strange at first doesn’t seem so strange to us anymore. What you need to remember is that feeling uncomfortable or strange isn’t a reason to treat someone badly, to call them names, or to make fun of them. Some kids might do that. If you ever hear someone using the word “gay” to tease someone or make them feel bad, you need to do what you can to stop that, and you should never do that yourself, even if your friends think it’s cool, “I finished.
Enough information for one day. There’s much more to talk about as we move from the facts of sexuality to the nuances, morality, risks, and responsibilities of it.
Oy. So much territory left to cover. I hope I can continue to find the right words--one small conversation at a time.
May 14, 2007
Copyright 2007 V-Grrrl in the Middle and Veronica McCabe Deschambault.
Family
Reader Comments (18)
Then he added 'but it makes it difficult to have babies and you need to adopt them'.
I love the Netherlands :)
If all parents approached these not-so-obvious subjects as open and straightforward, the world surely would be a more tolerant place.
You can even rehearse it in front of a mirror. : )
Now I need to work on my "when it's appropriate to have sex" speech....
On being gay...well, I have assorted gay friends both in and out of relationships, so my son has seen it openly and casually. Most recently my forner neighbor and his boyfriend had a wedding ceremony to which my teen asked to go citing how much he liked them.
I'm glad your daughter defends individual rights (and that you offer her the opportunity to do so!) Now if we could only get more on board...
:)
I would be dead weight at the General Convention. Heck, I couldn't even hold my own in ECW! I'm not adept at the political process, I like to think the best of people, and I become so disillusioned when folks are more married to the idea of pushing an agenda and "winning" than they are to serving the greater good. My position has always been that focusing on what the bishop of New Hampshire does when the lights go out is an enormous distraction from our mission. If people support him, fine. If some people are not sure, I understand their ambivalence. Those who think he's a horrible sinner should remember that God is the ultimate judge. Too many people use these complex issues as an excuse to split theological hairs or lose sight of the simple commandment to Love One Another.
My occasional blog "sermon" is my exercise in thinking globally and acting locally.
TV has been our friend in this area. Did you watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer? One of the main characters was gay...so when Maya found out about the IDEA of a person being gay, she was totally grossed out, and said they were gross people. I said, what about Willow? Is she gross? Maya had to admit that no, Willow was not gross...and she's been fine with it ever since.