Attention makers of Nair--you are not my friends

On Saturday night I decided to grease up with the new and improved cocoa butter-laced Nair so I could skip shaving my legs in the shower and save some hot water. (Al Gore LOVES me, y'all).

Not only would I be saving water, but while the Nair was doing its job of dissolving unwanted hair and leaving my legs silky smooth and sexy, I could be working on buffing my heels and trimming my nails so that all the soft and lovely goodness of my legs would not end with icky feet. It's the weekend and I want the top to bottom beauty treatment! I'm a multi-tasking, high maintenance Grrrl.

I shook the bottle. I read that you were not supposed to leave the Nair on your skin for more than 10 minutes, and I dutifully checked my watch. Then I slathered that vile stinky yellow lotion all over my legs and started counting down the minutes to smooth and sexy while pampering my sweet not-so-little feet.

After a few minutes, my legs felt tingly. I was not alarmed. I've used Nair before. I'm a pro. I know if you rinse off too early you end up with horrid half-dissolved stubble and have to shave anyway. Y'all, I am NOT shaving tonight. I promised Al I'd save the environment. I'm waiting until the 10 minute mark.

Tingle. Tingle. Tingle.

Ten minutes. I jump in the shower and rinse, and I use a washcloth to make sure I leave no Nair and no hair behind. I am an overachiever. 

Tingle. Tingle, Tingle.

The legs look a little blotchy. Oh well. I use baby lotion all over them figuring it's super gentle and soothing. So smooth, so soft, the color will get better I'm sure. I go to bed.

Sunday morning I wake not to silky soft, smooth and sexy legs but splotchy, blotchy, wildly itchy legs. Covered with red, itchy bumps, I look like I served as an all night diner for a billion mosquitos. But since only my legs are affected and I was wearing pajama pants, I know these aren't bug bites of any kind.

Oh no! I've been visited under cover of darkness by the Nair Witch! (Didn't they make a movie about her, y'all--the Nair Witch Project?)

She cast a mean and evil spell on me. For two days, I've been hemmin' and hawin' and scratchin' my legs like a hound dog. If I were more flexible, I'd probably gnaw on the itchiest spots. My legs have that pinky, purple opalescent look of frozen chicken pieces and now are sporting some stubble as well.

What happened to smooth, silky and sexy?

Ewww. They look  like a picture in a dermatology textbook. It will be days before I can shave, and by then I'll  be as hairy as Wilmer Valderama.

Al Gore, I have one thing to say to you: you are NOT my boyfriend. From here on out, I'm all about hot showers and Daisy shavers. Some hairy bitch can save the world instead.

And that evil Nair potion? On its way to the landfill. I'm sure it will eat through its own container, corrode the landfill liner, and contaminate the water supply eventually. Sorry, y'all. My intentions WERE good and we all know where good intentions take you. Straight to .....

Ever the itchy, red, and pimply,

V-Grrrl

May 21, 2007

Comments

[Shirl Grrrl]

Oh no! That sounds horrible! No Nair for me, thanks for the warning! Hope the itching stops soon!

[furiousBall]

itchy, red, and pimply is this year's silky soft, smooth and sexy...you're a trendsetter

[V-Grrrl]

FB,

Totally laughing here....

[Ortizzle]

The Nair Witch Project, LOL. That stuff is seriously dangerous. I used it twice when I was in high school, but after the second time I thought,"if the chemicals are strong enough to EAT THE HAIR OFF YOUR LEGS... what must this stuff be doing to the surrounding skin?" Clearly, not a lot of good.

I guess this will not be the week you buy summer skirts. Hope the itching has subsided!

[Granola-grrrl]

I'm with Ortizzle on this one-- I used Nair once or twice, but then had that exact thought and became too scared to use it again.

I normally don't have super sensitive skin, but there is one particular cosmetic ingredient that just eats me up. I have no idea what it *is*, but I do know that it is [ironically] in products for sensitive skin. Also in Dove shower gel. The first time I ever tried Dove shower gel, and gained the above knowledge, it involved an extremely [retrospectively] comical shaving incident, similar to what you described, except I wasn't shaving my *legs* at the time. Ahem.

Me: hm. this smells pleasant, and it's nice and smooth for shaving...
[pause]
Me: BURNING! OW OW OW! GET IT OFF!

That stuff is like napalm, I swear. I sympathize totally with you, grrrl. I hope your legs feel better soon!

[V-Grrrl]

Ironically, the Nair did not have any ill effect on my bikini line, just my legs. Go figure.

[Nance]

The first time I used Nair, my little sister decided that it would immobilize me sufficiently to walk off with my favorite shirt. As I chased her down, the foam was flying off my legs and onto furniture and carpeting and walls. Nair lifts the color right out of dark green wool carpeting. Immediately and permanently. Consequently, it ruins a few weekends for teenaged girls.

[RD]

I don't know how Nair is still on the shelves. I would think the FDA (is that what regulates health & beauty products?) would've banned it years ago. It's awful stuff--and doesn't work. It irritated my skin terribly too, and I think it probably kills brain cells. Hope you recover soon!

[Angela]

Ow. Condolences.

[Tera]

Ouch! Hope it's feeling better by now and your stubs can be shaved within a few days...it's supposed to get WARM again!!! :-)

[Amber]

Hehehe. I know! I used it on my moneky arms not long ago. It did the same thing! All I can say, is that it gets better, and the hair comes in softer...But I also had a lot of ingrown hairs. On my arms. Zits on my arms. Yuck.Then i got the Sally Hanson wax kit. Umm...OW? And same thing. Red and icky and zits.
I will also stick to shaving.

:)

[V-Grrrl]

Whew, Amber, I thought you were going to say you used it on your monkey (ahem) and not your monkey arms. I thought I was gonna have to cover my face and say, "I ain't goin there with you, Miss Amber. Uh-uh. No way. No how! You and your monkey are Off the Blog"

But then it was just all about you and your hairy, pimply arms and hey, THAT I can deal with. : )

Signed: The Grrrl with the Hairy, Pimply Legs

[Inside Out]

Thank goodness I am a Man! I find it hard enough to shove my face on a regular basis...I/O

[Nancy]

Nair has that reaction with me, too. I'm forever firmly entrenched in the shaving camp.

[wendy]

Nair Witch...haha..Aren't you glad you didn't go for a brazilian while you were multi taskin??

Hairy's not so bad..I mean for your legs.

try some aloe.

[Annie]

Just one more reason not to try the Nair. I'm always afraid I'll get it on my head somehow...