Good? Enough?

So out of the blue someone asks “How much time did you spend on the computer today?”

And I reply, “I don’t know.”

End of conversation.

But the real question hangs in the air—“What did you do all day?”

And a stony-faced nun rises from my childhood memory and raps me on the knuckles with her great Measuring Stick of Worth, seeking to awaken my Shame. Was I "productive"?

Ever notice that no one asks people with paychecks what they do all day or whether they accomplished anything sitting at a desk or in a meeting. No one is logging the time they spend on the computer, how many minutes were spent pouring coffee and chatting with office mates, talking on the phone, or composing memos and e-mails and Very Important Correspondence.

No one questions the value of the people in offices. Of course what they do matters or they wouldn’t be paid for it, right?

But I’m a woman without a paycheck and with school age children, so my life is up for grabs and open for judgment. Everyone feels they’re entitled to a big piece of it since apparently I’m not using it—or at least not using it properly (meaning not using it for their benefit). Since enquiring minds want to know, here’s what Tuesday looked like:

I got up at 6:30 a.m. and fed the cat and threw in a load of laundry and fixed breakfast for myself and the children and took my heart meds.

I rustled up lunch money for the oldest, packed snacks, reminded the youngest about an afterschool activity, wrote two notes of appreciation to their teachers on handmade cards, sent the kids upstairs to brush their teeth, ignored the oldest one’s messy hair, declined to argue about the necessity of wearing a jacket, and walked them to the bus stop.

Then I walked for exercise for an hour, past people on bikes and mothers pushing strollers and men and women waiting for the bus and cars pulling out of driveways and whizzing past me on their way to Something More Important (than walking).

When I came home I peeled off my sweatshirt, made a cup of tea, and checked e-mail and read blogs and left comments. I listened to a podcast on the life of a monk, and because I felt stiff after my walk, I practiced yoga for a while. I prayed for friends in tough spots.

I pulled a Bible off the shelf, read the readings that had been assigned last Sunday, and then read the sermon Kempton sent me because I’d missed church. Thought about what he’d written and what I read and sent him an e-mail in response. I suppose I could have emptied the dishwasher and cleared the breakfast dishes instead. That would have been meaningful.

My heart was out rhythm despite my meds and so I split a heart pill into four pieces and took a quarter more. I lay down, and I fell asleep and slept for I don’t know how long. I wasn’t wearing my watch yesterday, and since my life has no purpose, I don’t log my time on the computer nor my time on the sofa. I’m lazy and worthless that way. Really, I should put myself on a strict schedule and only allow myself a nap if the doctor orders it.  Never mind the side effects of medication and the crappy heart, I should just PUSH myself to do more, be more.

I woke up hungry and made a grilled cheese sandwich with pepperjack. The editor from Expatica suggested I write something about cars or driving for him this week, and I dutifully put together a tongue-in-cheek 700-word piece on driving in Belgium. If I had a work permit or my old job back, this article would have earned me about $250. But I don’t have a job. I work for free so people won’t forget what I’m capable of. The bad news is that people forget anyway or don't care in the first place. Anyone can write, right? I sent the piece off and it will be the lead feature on the home page on Thursday or Friday of this week.

In the afternoon I put away all the stamping and art supplies I’d used to make cards over the weekend. I pulled out the kids’ photo albums and looked for duplicate photos to put in them. I played with the cat. I read articles from CNN’s U.S. and European sites. I combed real estate listings in Virginia. I checked some more blogs. I set up an appointment for an eye exam in the States. Maybe I should have folded underwear and towels instead and lined the shoes up in neat rows in the foyer--but I didn't. I'm always failing to be all that I could be. I'm sure that's the fault of my kindergarten teacher. She set me on the wrong path.

I answered two e-mails from school. I read others and left them for later. Does this make me a procrastinator?

I thought about going to the bakery to buy bread, but I didn’t want to have to walk there in the rain. I don’t know why I don’t like getting out and walking in the rain. Must be because I’m lazy and don't care if my kids can't have toast after school.

I drank another cup of tea. I asked my oldest, now home from school, about his day. I didn't ask him how many minutes he logged on his Game Boy. I did congratulate him on getting a perfect score on his science project.

I made meatloaf and carrots and corn for dinner. I skimmed through the days catalogs. I wrote a letter to Sherry. After dinner, I looked at old photos with my daughter. I remembered when I was thin and she was little. That seems so long ago. Time goes fast when you're just a fat housewife. Every day is more of the same.

I got back online. I cleaned up the Favorites menu. I followed a link to a jewelry design page and looked at bracelets for a while. You know all housewives do is shop. We stay busy looking for ways to spend our husbands' money! I didn't order anything. What's wrong with me? I'm a failure in every respect.

I cleared a lot of junk off my desk and took a hot shower with the question “How much time did you spend on the computer today?” twisting in my chest until my heart ached.

I crawled into bed and beat myself with the unforgiving Measuring Stick of Self-Worth that was handed out with that question and all it implies. I tried to salvage the idea that it's not a crime that I don't have a passion for housework or women's clubs.

Surrounded by darkness, the questions whisper and disintegrate:

Do you think I am

Good enough for you?

Do you think I'm

Good enough?

For you?

Good?

Enough?

May 9, 2007

Comments

[Shannon]

Love it. Sounds like my typical day -- even down to the grilled cheese sandwich. I would be embarrassed for anyone to see how I log my time here in Belgium. Now I don't feel so guilty about it. Since my kids and husband are all out of town on trips this week, I'm really feeling useless and beating myself with that same measuring stick. My soon to be teenage son has started to call me out on how I spend my time. I try not to let it bother me but it does. I had more things to do back home (more volunteering at church, school, small time Ebay seller) but just don't seem to want to jump in to anything much here. I had an exciting week last week when I backed the van into a concrete post in a parking garage. Too much excitement..laying low this week and enjoying looking at the dent in the bumper. I have yet to visit any women's club recommended to me. I can't say why. Just know you aren't alone.

[AP in UK]

My mother-in-law is here, visiting from the US, and we spent a (lazy?) afternoon (just?) talking -- largely about a post you wrote more than a year ago that I only recently read while spending (wasting?) a rainy day reading some of your older posts. You wrote about the 20-year-itch, and the lives of people in their 40s. It resonated deeply with me, and when my m-i-l (an author) read it she immediately wanted to write a companion piece about adults in their 60s. I tell you all of this to reinforce that the time you spend on the computer is important...to me. Keep on going, grrrl!

[wordgirl]

So much of this is a response to the centuries-old idea that women are worthless, regardless of what we do. See how well we pay the professional baseball player? The guy who invents/tests video games for a living? Or how we gush over the man who stays home with his kids (while writing the great American novel) while his wife attends her flourishing medical practice? None of these people is out curing cancer or trying to stop the war, but look how quickly we honor them for what they do.

Meanwhile, the woman who stays home with her kids is merely DOING WHAT SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DOING...even though we give her no credit or honor for it and basically assume she's a fat, unmotivated woman who does nothing but watch soap operas all day. And the woman who has a career? God help her as well, because society is only too happy to pounce on her and call her a crappy mother who is too self-involved to "give it all up" to be a stay-at-home-mother.

It's more convenient for society to pigeonhole you as a person who does nothing all day because--truthfully--it makes people uncomfortable to consider a life devoted to the happiness of others. It makes them feel devoid of purpose or nobility and so they try to crush your spirit first so they can feel better about themselves.

Sorry to hijack your comments with my ire. But I do feel strongly about this...not that you could tell, right?

[furiousBall]

I hear you, I get that a lot at home, it's assumed that I am drinking beers at the office judging by the reception I receive on some days. I do more all day long than most do in a week. those that ask the question are the ones that need more to do than worry about others.

[V-Grrrl]

AP,

I'd forgotten all about The 20-Year Itch. I really enjoyed re-reading it and going "Gee whiz, I wrote that?" Not bad!

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

[Granola-grrrl]

I was thinking about this idea not too long ago. Trying desperately to remember what exactly it was that I did all day when I was a full time mom. I can't recall, precisely, but I do know that laundry got done, kids got baths, supper got made, although I'm not entirely clear on how. The house was a mess then too, but the difference now is that I don't beat myself up over it like I used to, thinking that if I stayed home all day, I shouldn't have had a house that looked like a landfill of toys and clothes most days.

After considering it for awhile, the feeling I was left with was that what I did then was not terribly different from what I do now for other people, except now I get paid, and people compliment me and give me referrals to their friends. Because what I was doing was my best attempt at making everyone else's life run smoothly.

Insensitive remarks like the one you received cut to the quick, no matter how certain you are that you've made the right choices. I chalk it up either to their ignorance, usually, or to the fact that no matter what your choices are, there are people who think that the mere fact that you've made the choices you have is your way of telling them that THEIR choices are wrong and they're worthless because their choices are different from yours. Then I just tell myself that they have ISSUES, and move on. You kick ass, no matter how much time you spend on the computer. ;)

[Nance]

As I was reading, I kept saying, "Why does she feel she has to tell us/somebody?"

But I know...when my husband comes home from work, two hours later than I do, if he has to come into the office/computer room to find me, he often looks irritated. Like "why are you on the computer?" Sigh. I know.
I know.

[Di]

A question that infuriates me.
And how long did they spend on the toilet for heavens sake, or having sex, and what business is it of theirs????

I only read the start of your post before exploding lol, so forgive me but we find ways to live with the lives that we have with the men that we love and with our children ....

My first marriage ... I remember I was an airforce officer's wife for 4 years of it and I once replied that I was a writer to the question of 'what do you do' asked in the officers mess.

He said 'Recipes?'.
Startled, I replied 'No!'
He asked 'Romance?.
Stunned I thought there's nothing I can say to this idiot man, he imagines me worthless.

We gave up great lives to follow these men that we love, and we sacrifice because that's how we were raised but don't ever buy into it because we know what we're doing and we know what it costs us.

A thing close to my heart ... oh yes.

I'll revisit this post in the morning, just to be sure but how dare someone ask you how long you spent on the computer as if it is worthless ... knowing you changes my life, and I'm sure knowing you online changes the lives of many ... what did that person do with their day? If it's the same as they did the day before that and the day before that, then she should look to you for advice.

[Lori]

When people used to ask me what I did for a living, I'd say with a smile, "nothing." People didn't know how to respond. I'm sure they were jealous. I mean, who has the luxury of doing "nothing" all day?

[shannon]

Lori :

When asked what do you do I sometimes I reply with "whatever I want' or 'whatever I feel like' .. yeah, they don't know how to respond to that one.

[simon]

What annoys me is the question people ask when you first meet them - "What do you do?". Because they can only be talking about your job, as if that were your entire identity. If you have no job, you're a waste of space, they seem to be saying.
I dream of being able to do "nothing" (meaning, "all the things I'd really like to spend my time doing").
Looking forward to the Expatica piece - driving in Belgium is a favourite expat subject, I know.

[Shirl Grrrl]

Thank you for this post. I feel this way every day, even without the question being asked of me. In my case, the question is out there... only unspoken... but I can feel it hovering about me. Or is that feelings of guilt?

[Lynn]

Even though I do work outside of the house as well as trying to stay on top of the schedules of two young ones, I never do enough. My to-do list is never completely checked off. Even when I feel like I've accomplished a lot, the spector of all the things I haven't done yet looms over me. It's an ugly thing.

How did you ever even remember everything you did it yesterday?! That was a lot of stuff!!!

[christina]

Ouch! We could be twins.

[T]

I don't get asked that anymore, because I would always say, "Nothing. But, oh, look! Sammi is still alive and didn't bleed."

[Annie]

As a stay-at-home Mom, I often feel bad asking other moms I meet, "Do you work outside your home?" I am asking mostly so that if they are, I can learn more about them and take an interest in what they do. But I always feel like there is a measure of judgement inherent in the question. Before I had kids, I never asked stay-at-home moms what they did all day. I knew, even without having a kid of my own. But I had a girlfriend without kids who didn't work and I always wondered how she filled her time. Her house was always very tidy.

[Amber]

"Time goes fast when you're just a fat housewife. Every day is more of the same."--

LMAO. Giggle. Giggle. giggle. *snort*

Oh man. Someone better buy you some flowers...(hint hint)

Yes. Kory has been known to ask this kind of stupid-ass question a few times. And he is ALWAYS very happy when I hand him back his head. ;)

ox :)

[Peter]

You really made me laugh V-grrl: "Time goes fast when you're just a fat housewife" :-) An item like you just posted is indeed on an equal level with an article from a paid columnist, and indeed, no matter how much merit or value your daily activities may add up to, without a contract very few people will value your efforts.

May I ask for a round of applause for all you ladies who followed your hearts (and a man) for a life in a far away country that often doesn't value your existence?

You deserve it, all of you.

[Angela]

Our lives are so full of minutiae, aren't they? And yet, all the little things add up to a life we build that, without them, would seem oddly empty. Not just for us, but for those who share our lives.

Good enough for me.

[V-Grrrl]

Well Peter, I know I could be MORE than a fat housewife. There's always that classy brothel in Antwerp that was designed by Brad Pitt's architect.

I could make a difference in the world and make people HAPPY!

I may not rock the leather pants but with a lot more makeup, I could pass for a drag queen. ; )