The old gray Grrrl, she ain't what she used to be

E is in the States and on his list of things to buy are half a dozen boxes of L’Oreal Superior Preference Hair Color in medium amber copper brown. L’Oreal sells lots of hair color in Europe, but not Shade 5 ½ AM. MY color.

It’s funny how I’ve come to think of this shade as “my color.” True, it’s a close match to the hair I was born with —a coppery color between auburn and brown. But if I were honest with myself, I’d admit that “my color” is really the dull shade at the roots that disappears every four weeks under a fresh application of L’Oreal 5 ½ A.M.

I started coloring my hair when I was 39 and the hair framing my face started to be overtaken by gray. Throughout most of my 30s, I kidded myself that my gray hair wasn’t so band and looked like highlights. Later when I’d walk past a shop window and glance at my reflection or see photos of myself, I’d recognize the unmistakable skunk stripe that was working its way back from the front of my head toward the crown.

When I was a fresh-faced 20-year-old with waist length hair and pink cheeks, I told myself I’d never dye my hair, I’d age naturally and gracefully. This is only half true now. At 39, I was resigned to the lines on my face but not the streaks in my hair. When you’re 39, you want to believe only 50 year olds should have a lot of gray hair. (I’m betting when I’m 50, the acceptable age for gray hair will bump up to 60. Ha!)

And so, much to my surprise I started perusing the hair color aisles before my 40^th birthday, looking for the perfect color. Medium golden brown was good, but medium amber copper brown turned out to be the Holy Grail of Hair Color. It was ME, only better.

Now as my roots catch the light and wink at me from the bathroom mirror, the truth bitch-slaps me in the face. Like it or not, the mirror reports, the REAL me, has a ton of gunmetal gray hair. Not a striking salt-and-pepper mix, not a glamorous silver grey, and not the rich copper color that’s been my trademark since childhood.

Without the L’Oreal, my hair would tell the world that I’m old enough to be a grandmother. A grandmother! It hurts to even TYPE that, but if I’d had children when I was first married, and they’d had children at the same age, I’d be some toddler’s Nana. Good lord, why did I mentally go there?

Lately, I’ve been envisioning liberating my inner Gray-Haired Grrrl. I tell myself that hair dye can’t alter the truth and that my face and disappearing waist declare my age anyway. Why not GET REAL? Why not GET GRAY?

A part of me is clamoring for authenticity and demanding I claim my age and accept how it really looks. My inner FemiNazi has some issues with hair color. But the other part of me is still sliding her legs into Levis, letting her eyes linger too long on those photos of Becks and Luca Tony, and wishing she could go out with the girls and kick back. My mental image of myself is frozen somewhere around age 30, before motherhood and gray hair entered the picture. Those were the days when I had the lithe figure of a runner, hot pink accessories on my little white car, the latest music in my CD player, and the ability to make a miniskirt sing.

Those days are over. That Grrrl is long gone. But I’m attached to her. No, I won’t humiliate myself with short skirts, motorcycle jackets, or silly car accessories, but the L’Oreal 5 ½ AM? It’s all I’ve got left of the Grrrl I left behind. I’m not ready to trade bronze for silver. At least not yet. Maybe when I’m 50. Better yet, make that 60.

August 21, 2006

Comments

[Brenda]

I'll be 50 this Thanksgiving time. I refuse to give up the hair dye! If I let the white/gray grow in, I'd have that Elvira streak going on and since she had the trademark on that, I'm not letting it happen.

I'd be rich if I'd taken out stock in Clairol!

[Flubberwinkle]

Everytime I walk into a hair salon (and you KNOW there's always a story in that -particularly where I'm concerned *smile*) the salonist asks me why I don't try a a nice dye or add some highlights to hide my gray hair.

So far I haven't been persuaded by any of their sales talk. But more importantly, I haven't felt the need to change my hair color yet. For the time being, I wear my white hairs proudly because they remind me how long and winding the road of growing oldER has been. Little badges of wisdom I've earned along the way.

I say, do whatever makes YOU happy with your reflection and feel good color!

Maybe someday I'll change my mind and go for that electric blue highlighting I like so much on some goth/punk girls and post some pics...
:-D

[amber]

Man. I am trying really hard to believe I will age with grace. I am trying to believe that. But that was before I started to look...older. LOL! I hope I have that awesome silver hair, or white hair that looks so good on some lucky women. But I bet I will have the same as you! (meaning, something out of a box) ;)

:)

[Nance]

Sigh. So far, I've been lucky. I have a few silvery white hairs that hang out at the temples UNDERNEATH my almost-black hair. Once in a while, they pop into my fringe of bangs, but they aren't real noticeable. Most people think I dye already, despite my protestations to the contrary. I, like you, have always said I'm not going to start that vicious cycle of hair-coloring. I hope I don't have to. But, as vain as I am, I know better. I am the woman who wears full makeup every single day, whether I am leaving the house or not.

[Elisabeth]

I have not seen my "real" hair color in close to 20 years. I started getting grey hair when I was in my early twenties, and began coloring my hair when I was about 35. I had it professionally colored, and then, through the lean years of grad school, I went the L'Oreal route. I have gone back to the professional dye jobs at least 5 years ago. Recently, I did something rather radical, and went to a blondish look (my real hair was dark brown - back in the days.) It actually looks good and conceals the grey pretty well.

It's terrible to see your body age, when you still feel like you are about 25 inside. And yes, I could be a grandmother too (had I not waited until I was 34 to have a child). Being a grand-aunt is bad enough, I think!

[V-Grrrl]

I became a great-aunt at 35 and now have more than a dozen great nieces and nephews.

[Nancy]

I've always sworn I wouldn't color my hair and would just let it grow in gray. But now at 36 I have a decent amount of gray streaks -- and I actually do have it highlighted at a salon about 3 times a year. We'll see if I can resist the full coloring or if I give in once the gray gets too prominent.