Therapy, self-help, and all that jazz

Neil recently ventured into therapy in an attempt to understand himself and save his marriage. He's been blogging about the experience with honesty and humor and occasional wise-cracks from his sassy wife Sophia.  Today I read his post on how he spent a few hours in Border's reading self-help books, trying to find the one that would define his problem with a neat label and offer a solution or strategy for dealing with his neuroses.

In all of my years of introspection, soul gardening, and wrestling with depression, I've never, ever read a self-help book. I've always felt that they were marketing ploys preying on the vulnerability of insecure people in distress. I tend to view the authors not as experts but vultures, their motivations being based not on improving people's lives but lining their own pockets. I find them distasteful because I think they're exploiting the weak. Hmmm, so what does that attitude say about me?

Dr. Laura. Dr. Phil. Dr. Ruth. All the Dr. First Names make me want to throw up. They're so entranced with their own celebrity and blinded by their sound-bite biases.  They're more entertainers than professional therapists.

I've always felt that if I were attracted to a self-help book, it would be because it was telling me exactly what I wanted to hear. Which begs the question: why would I need to read it in the first place? Why pay money to have my own belief system reinforced by a toothy-grinned pseudo psychologist?

All my life, I've used journaling as a tool to unravel tangled thoughts and help me let go of painful experiences. I don't read or study the Bible anymore, but I've always attended church and like a sermon that engages my brain on a lot of levels. I don't meditate formally, but I embrace silence. A walk in the woods is a sure way to clear my head. I often find wisdom and good advice in blogs and the comments readers leave behind, and I have a circle of friends whose words and intentions I deeply trust. If I felt it would help me, yeah, I'd get counseling or see a therapist. I respect that process.

How about you? Where do you look for answers? Who do you trust? Do you consider yourself introspective? How do you clear your mind, make sense of your life, release negative thoughts?

November 4, 2007

Comments

[wendy]

A heathy dose of philosophy...and a good gallop..
Then cleaning a really mucky pen. Usually does the trick...

If I need to..i will indulge in my really irritating behavior..again and again and again...and then quietly ask myself..."Have you had enough yet? Are you done?"

Perhaps a bit crazy...but hey..

[furiousBall]

Hard work has helped me. Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning isn't a self help book per se, but the message of taking responsibility and realizing that you always have choice really ring true with me.

[Claudia]

As part of, what I like to call, my "redefining of self" I've come to trust, (sheer luck!) my therapist. I started seeing her a few months ago after the death of my sister, and as we worked through the grief, peeling back layers and discovering other emotions that needed tending to, I discovered, that after 37 years of 'non-trust' I'd actually found someone I COULD trust. Imagine my surprise, considering, prior to my first meeting with her, I'd had every intention of 'playing the part' and then leaving.

I've also the distinct pleasure of an on-line best friend to whom with I can pour on, salivate over and masticate on, my problems. Sometimes the sanctuary of a 'keyboard' can be the most therapeutic one of all. All I know is that after almost three years, this person knows me better than I know myself.

Then there is my husband, of course, but he'd just tell you I don't tell him anything. But maybe, gods love him, it's because he never listens. ;o)

Bisous,
Claudia

(An EX Belgium'ite, 1982 - 1988)

[impy]

I get very, very quiet.I try to trust myself. Trusting others hasn't proved very fulfilling of late. Even my sister told me in the past year, that I had no idea how she, and my two older brothers resented me all my childhood. I understand the reasons. Still it leaves a rug pulled out from under somehow, and me standing alone. I have learned to turn to, and gain strength from my best friend, even if he is the one who hurt me. Trust exists on different levels. One trust could be broken. Marital trust can be broken, yet you can still trust that nobody in the world would protect your children the way your spouse and yourself would. I find solace in nature. On one of the worst days of the past months, this past spring in fact, I stopped on my way home from an early morning job. Impulsively stopped at an empty childrens playground. It was sunny and warm enough for just a long sleeved shirt and the sun felt like injections of contentment in my hair. The thought of sitting on the merry go round was what prompted me to stop. I sat on it and hooked my arms around the bars and closed my eyes and pushed my feet and spun for over an hour. I let the last spin slow itself until it went back and forth gently. I stopped at the swings on the way back to the car, and swung as well. Leaning far back, eyes closed again. Just FEELING. Being outside in the sun. Connecting with times I felt safe and content. Grasping those feelings again feels like a sort of renewal to me. I'm sure it sounds simplistic. The feelings I'm left with inside though, enable me to make more sensible, thoughtful decisions about the rest of my life. I cope better. I suppose it's a "taking care of ones self" type of thing. V, if I don't stop rambling so much in your comment section, I'm going to be forced to begin a blog of my own. Then I really WILL be stressed out. :-)

[Peter]

Like impy, I try to trust myself these days, especially since trusting others hasn't proven to be a very reliable way in finding answers to major issues in my life.

Sure, I do confide in close friends, and I do value their advice. But like a wise man used to say:

"Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth."

[Granola-grrrl]

I think I do a little of everything. I read the self-helpy stuff, and what's interesting to me is how everyone gets exactly what they need out of those books, probably for the reasons you suggested. I tend to question everything and everyone, and only trust myself. When I read self-help books, or talk to my therapist or friends (I agree with impy about trust existing on different levels--I still consider my ex-husband one of my very dearest friends), or journal, or just sit with myself, what I'm looking for is perspective. The elusive key or pressure point of sorts that will untangle the whole mess of thoughts. I have to take what I read and hear, and process that through my own mind and heart...sometimes I've even found insight in books I read to my kids at bedtime. But the truth is that the answer, in the end, has to come from inside me, regardless of where it started out.

[Nance]

Anymore, only time.

[lizardek]

This post spoke to me on so many levels. I agree with you wholeheartedly about the self-help books and the so-called Dr. FirstName celebrity experts.

I tend to trust myself, my experiences and my upbringing more than any other advice I could get. I can always ask my mom if I'm really at a loss. Usually I just noodle at something in my head for however long it takes until I'm sure of the right way of dealing with it.

[Mignon]

My mom reads them all the time. And she always offers me kernels of wisdom from her latest collection of books focusing on her latest therapist-identified issue. But my mom, who lived through an abusive upbringing, an abusive first husband, raised 4 kids on her own, all who have become successful and happy in our own way, she never gives herself credit. That is why I don't like self-help books. They rob my mom of the joy of recognizing her own worth. (I know that was really off-topic, but just mentioning self-help books makes me scowl.)

[mamatulip]

My therapist helps me the most. I've been seeing her for so long now that it's easy for me to be honest with her about how I'm feeling.

Writing helps too, but only sometimes.

[littlepurplecow]

Very introspective. I need a certain amount of silence and space to think and sort things out before I speak. I turn to prayer when my questions outnumber the answers. And while the answers don't often come with lightening speed... they do evolve more clearly when I follow this path.

[Amber]

Ah, but see? A good self-help book can be the same kind of catalyst for the mind, the same way a good sermon or blog post is. Not all are equal, though. I myself don't go in fo rthe Dr First Names, really. But I can honestly say that if it were not for self-help books-- because books of any kind are always the first things I will choose, you know-- I would never have changed the cycles in my family and myself. I might have never gone into therapy, even. Because I only suspected certain things before, but certain books helped me see some things clearly. It is all about what of yourself you see, and the rest falls away...

The Road Less Traveled, by M.Scott Peck was the first one I ever picked up, when I was 18. Thank God for that book. Really. Because I needed the wisdom it offered, but also I needed to read things that validated what I knew in my gut to be true about life. And what was possible.

You can't always judge a book by it's... well. You know how it goes.

;) ox

[J]

I've never gotten into self help books either, but a few years ago I was scared that my marriage was in trouble, and I found myself looking for online help. I came across an ebook called savethemarriage, and believe it or not, it helped me. It's not that well written, no big reveals, just some common sense that I needed to hear, a switch in perspective that helped me to allow my husband to be a better husband, and allowed me to be a better wife. All by doing less. Interesting.

My favorite way to meditate, if you could call it that, has always been nature. If I lived near Wendy, I'd beg for a gallop, and help her muck, too.

[JMo]

My shrink has been teaching me to "meditate" with a focus on being mindful. It involves relaxing and then concentrating on your breathing - it is always there, you cannot stop it. You use your breathing as an anchor, and then allow your mind to wander. As thoughts and feelings enter, you simply acknowledge them and then return to your anchor - your breath. The idea is to accept that which "is" and not judge it. Let it flow through you.
I was a bit skeptical at first, but it is working. I find I am more aware of my feelings and more able to accept them instead of pushing them away or overanalyzing them.
Impy hits it on the head - it sounds so simple but its so effective. Maybe its that it IS simple - we spend too much energy overcomplicating our lives sometimes - trying desperately to hold back the badness and clinging to the good, yet its all so transient. Have you ever pondered how a child can be so angry one moment and then instantly be happy the next?