Coming and Going
February 12, 2007 at 14:21 When we decided to move to Belgium, it was a leap of faith in every sense of the word. I had visited Belgium many years ago but had never lived abroad nor entertained fantasies of expat life in Europe. Yet when my husband’s professional expertise offered an unexpected opportunity to move to Brussels for three years, I didn’t hesitate in embracing it.
Even lacking details on his compensation and benefits, the nature of the position he was applying for, and what our lives would look like, we jumped into the process. It was a decision we made more with our hearts than with our heads. From the very beginning, moving to Belgium felt like the right thing to do. Sure, we discussed pros and cons and practical considerations, but I think we were swayed less by them than by the conviction we both shared that for reasons we couldn’t explain, we were meant to live in Brussels.
It’s been nearly two years since we arrived jet-lagged and nervous at Zaventem, our tired brains trying to process reams of information in an unfamiliar environment. Like other expats, we were both excited and dismayed by the changes in our lives, our moods alternately happy and confident and bewildered and confused. Moments of elation followed moments of despair, but over many months, life found a rhythm and daily life lacked the drama that comes with being a new arrival. Soon we were settled, we found a social circle and a place in the expat community, we got to know our neighbors, and while not fully at home (we still don’t speak Flemish and my French is spotty), we no longer always felt like outsiders.
Now as we approach the beginning of our third year in Brussels, we’re faced with another difficult decision. We have the option of moving back to the U.S. on schedule, extending our time here for a set period (two additional years for a total of five years) or taking steps to live and work in Belgium indefinitely. The decision on whether we leave or whether we stay impacts every major area of our lives. We have to consider how our decision will affect our careers, our children’s education now and when it comes time for college, our financial standing and retirement plans, even our healthcare. Making a decision based on any ONE of those variables would be challenging, considering all of them at once is mind-bending.
You can gather information and parse and analyze it. You can speculate and plan. You can try to be objective about where the “best” place is for you and your family to live, but there are intangibles that can’t be quantified regarding quality of life, a sense of belonging in a community, the importance of proximity to friends and family, the meaning of living abroad and being an expat, and the effect being raised in another culture has on children long term.
I’m a practical person and more often than not, will choose a path based on what makes sense and seems reasonable. But in the end, I think whether we leave or whether we stay will once again be a gut decision based on our convictions and our mood rather than on cold hard facts. Sometimes it’s what you can’t explain or measure that determines your level of contentment. Sometimes it’s easier to admit that life just doesn’t always make sense!
February 12, 2007
Copyright 2007 Veronica McCabe Deschambault and V-Grrrl in the Middle. All rights reserved.
Reader Comments (16)
Huge things to think about, V, but some time in which to do it. Maybe something will suggest itself.
You have a lot to think about.
:)
What a huge decision to make. I made it nearly 7 years ago when I chose to move to Europe to be with my husband. Although your situation is somewhat different (being it more a work than love situation), there's never a time you can't start again if it doesn't work out. There's always a second chance. So, no decision is completely set in stone.
I do have a few suggestions if you decide to continue living in Belgium. I think that if you choose to make a country your home, the absolute best way to make it truly home (and not in an expat sense) is to learn the language. Both for you and the kids. Althiough I don't speak perfect Dutch, I can understand nearly everything and speak well enough to be understood, even if my sentence structure is wrong. That's the only way to fully immerse yourself in the country, to become one with the land and the people. Being in Brussels is a bit easier as far as langauge goes as you are in a very multi-cultural place. That helps as you can get by with English. But it still sets you a bit apart.
That said, I don't think it is possible to ever be completely integrated into a country if you move there as an adult. At this point, I am stuck between two homes...America and Belgium. When I return to America, it's no longer home, and when I am in Belgium, I always miss things from home. It's a rough spot to be in some days. By far, the biggest struggle is missing my family and friends. I wish my children could be surrounded by extended family on my side. But I take into account the pros of being here, and I sincerely think that in raising children, Europe is the ideal place to do so. It is just a touch more family-oriented, a little bit more a feeling of safety. And then there is the opportunioty for travel, learning about new countries while being in their midst. Living the dream, so to say.
I think your kids attend an American/International school? If you continue to make Belgium your home, I would suggest you get the kids involved in some local activities in which they will be exposed to more Belgian children. Maybe you do this already, I don't know, but if this is to be their home, they need to have that cultural connection that won't separate them as Americans. They need to feel a part of the community and the country. There is scouting, sports, hobby clubs, etc in which kids can partake in within every community.
This year for the first time, I got myself involved in the community, realizing that I would never feel totally at home without reaching out and making this my home. I joined our local choir and the women's club in my village and can't tell you what a difference that ahs made in my life here. As an expat planning to go "home", these things aren't necessary because you know you'll be leaving again, but if you decide to make this your home, you'll really need to take teh steps to make it feel like home.
These are just a few suggestions, a couple things to think about, but I agree with everyone else, that gut instinct is what you need to listen to. It's easy to enjoy a new country knowing you're going to head back home but do you have what it takes to quit thinking about this as your three-year stint and truly allow Belgium to become a part of you, to call this home?
It's not an easy decision. I wish you much luck, and success whatever you decide to do. Best Wishes!
I named my blog V-Grrrl in the Middle because I knew from the moment I left the U.S. I would never feel fully at home anywhere again.
Annie,
The interesting thing about the military is that it is its own culture, and people pack up, move on, and start over in a predetermined way with a built-in social circle and support network in place. I was once an Army wife, and I move in military circles here. It's a world of its own with its own rules of engagement.That helps hold military families together.
That said, I'm also a pretty big believer of going with your gut. And I think a lot of the time, my gut instinct takes over my practicality.
Lots to think about, V, but I know you'll make the best decision for you and your family.
At the end of this month will mark my 6 months of living here in Belgium. Even though I'm enjoying my time, I can not imagine living here indefinitely at this point in my life. But of course that's just me.
For purely selfish reasons, I'd love to see you extend for another few years; it'd give me more time to get to know you. ;)