The part you've been wondering about....

Bone tired after a week of emotional ups and downs and confusion.  Here's what's been going on:

We closed on our house last Friday after poring over an enormous stack of documents, ironing out details via international phone calls, and locating an American notary in Belgium to witness our signatures on the Friday before a holiday weekend.

The momentary relief of having signed the papers was overshadowed by the realization we won’t even get to see our house again until we move in in March. Instead of elation, I felt a little disappointed. The entire transaction had a surreal quality to it, like marrying someone that you’ve only known for a week.

And then late Friday afternoon, just as I had overnight guests arriving for my son’s 12^th birthday party, a situation erupted in my personal life that left me feeling deeply upset and very confused. I had inadvertently caused a lot of grief and damage in someone’s life via e-mail, and I felt shattered by that knowledge.

My emotions were all over the place, but the ache in my chest and the nausea in my stomach were constant. I spent a sleepless night wrestling with my thoughts, alternately deeply saddened by what had happened and very angry, blaming myself and then blaming others, and just hating the position I was in, forced into silence to avoid even more collateral damage. 

During that long night, all I could see was how I set myself up for these types of situations by opening myself up emotionally and through my writing, by welcoming people into my heart and my life. I felt stupid and naïve, believing in good intentions and the idea that love given is never wasted, believing that while some of my friendships may fade, they wouldn’t ever end with a BANG.

As I tossed and turned Friday night, my blog came to represent all the ways I overexposed myself, all the ways I proceeded without caution into relationships, all the ways I set myself up to be hurt by sharing too much too honestly. I started to see myself not as a person but as a commodity being consumed and used. I was simply what was stored in The V File. In my darkest moment, I felt like a whore giving something precious away to anyone that came and looked for it. That may sound crazy to y'all, but it made sense to me in my heightened emotional state.

Early Saturday morning, I set to the task of shutting my blog down and removing the archives until I could sort through all the conflicting feelings swirling through my head and churning in my stomach. I didn’t want to write another word, and I didn’t want to have my words exposed, open for dissection, discussion and argument. I just wanted to disappear and leave no trace, to retreat somewhere where I felt safe and where I would cause no further harm. I worried about the people I had hurt and how their circumstances were unfolding. I was distraught.

Then the e-mails from y’all started arriving; Peter’s was the first. While I was still too shaken to coherently describe what happened and what it meant to me, y’all reached out to me with kindness, concern, and support. Without even knowing the nature of my “crisis,” you offered the very thing I had withdrawn: carefully chosen words that made me smile and made me cry as I read them over and over again. Your words convinced me not to shut down the blog completely, even if I felt too blocked to write, even if I wasn’t sure what I would want to post in the future. Peter argued persuasively to restore the archives, and E agreed completely with him.

It’s been hard for me to find my voice and come to the keyboard this week. I conceive posts and abort them. I’m operating in the fog of insomnia and just feeling mentally depleted, choosing to plug into my iPod and put my energy and emotion into my art journal instead. I'm not sure where I'm heading with this site. As I gain some distance from last week’s events, I’m getting a more balanced perspective. I’m not angry anymore and I’m done with self flagellation. I am who I am; I can't be the person who keeps everything inside. Still I remain disappointed and saddened by the situation I'm in, but also hopeful that somehow all parties involved will come to a peaceful, not painful, place--together or apart.

Comments

[Shirl Grrrl]

I know that was hard...

Love ya!

[Nance]

I think my original quote from Hamlet is still apt.

[Nancy]

I'm sorry I missed the chance to provide you with support when you needed it. But know that I'm here and thinking of you.

And not that I don't want you to keep writing, but you should take whatever time you need away from the blog if it makes you feel exposed. If your art journal provides solace, that's a great way to express yourself.

Take care, my friend.

[Nancy]

"not that I don't want you to keep writing" -- does that even make sense? Hope you know what I meant! (I'm not sure I do...) ;-)

[Amber]

Aww, V. I have been away again, and missed this. But I would have told you the same thing-- Don't go! The things you say matter. I know your heart is big, and I can imagine how you feel thinking you hurt anyone you loved. I am sure that anyone who knows you would come to remember your heart.

I would have been VERY sad to come back and find you gone. Very sad.

OXOX :)

[Expat-CIT]

Seeing your post today was like a little gift at the end of an exhausting day with the children - an unexpected surprise. The reason I enjoy your blog so much is that you are willing to admit you are a vulnerable human being (and aren't we ALL) and write about things we all feel but might not be able to say. That having been said, I can completely understand why you would feel raw and "too out there" for others' consumption. It is a shame that words conceived and written with the best of intentions can be misinterpreted. I believe that the majority of your readers - both the vocal and silent - understand you write from the heart, and that's what keeps them coming back for more.
Best, Marcy

[wordgirl]

I can tell you that I've had at least two (possibly three) people literally TAKE ME TO TASK for things they read on my blog and THEN sent e-mail just chewing me out about some really inane things. It made me really self-conscious because I wasn't trying to controversial (believe me...when I want to be controversial, you'll know it). It made me question myself and whether I could continue to tiptoe around everyone on the off chance someone might take issue with something I've said. But...I'm glad you're staying. In whatever form you decide to stay.

[Kelby]

I am so very, very happy to hear that there is a chance you might stay with us. I could tell, in your initial post, that something very painful had happened and I wanted so much to be able to help you. All of your readers love the person we have come to know you to be via your blog. The fact that you are vulnerable and imperfect is not only o.k., but reassuring to the rest of us imperfect souls. From one person who tends to reveal too much of her soul to another, I say keep being exactly who you are. We human beings will never get anywhere on this journey until we throw off the masks, turn on the lights, and just admit that in one way or another, we're all broken.

You have my abiding prayers, V-grrrl. Hang in there and know you are appreciated.

[Tera]

V,

I'm glad you're able to come to terms with all that is happening now. I hope that as you work through all the emotions you continue to write. Sometimes, those emotional charges bring on our best writing. Know I'm thinking of you.

[LadyMurph]

What a lovely gift to see you back on a gloomy Belgian morning!

[Mary-LUE]

Wow... I've missed so much. I'm so glad that others were here to bring you words of comfort and friendship. I also encourage to take more time to process and ponder if that is what you need. A little reflection is good for the soul.

And the scrapbook pages? (I don't know what you are calling them.) They are truly amazing, V. Amazing.

[Tonya]

Welcome Back! I missed you and hope that you stay in the "blogshpere." And March really is just around the corner. (Compared to my 2 more years over here. At least it isn't so hot anymore.)
Take Care, V!

[KDK]

It is so great to see you back V-grrrl! While I don't often post comments, I do read you regularly ... and was distraught over your distress. Your writing is humorous, touching, thoughtful, and thought-provoking ... and I imagine you are the same, which makes me think of you as a friend even though we have never met.

Sending you a big hug and lots of support to help you find peace with your situation,

[Peter]

Glad to see you back online, Veronica.

In spite of all the emotional upheaval, standing by your blog was the strongest statement you could ever make. Much appreciated.

[Ortizzle]

Sorry, V, I have been really bogged down lately and missed this when you posted it. I am really sorry you have had to go through all of that emotional turmoil. I identify with many of the things you say here about "exposing yourself and your feelings." Whatever you do with your blog is clearly your choice, but don't punish yourself for somehow hurting someone inadvertently. As objective and respectful of others as you seem to be in your writing, I wonder that something like that could happen. You are simply not responsible for how everyone reacts to something, however, when no harm was intended.

Hope you are feeling better.

[platypus]

I am so very glad that you reconsidered. It is because you are human, because of your imperfections and flaws (as well as everything else!) that we love you and would miss you horribly if you went away. I do hope that the real life situation can be resolved and that you feel happier in the coming days.

[Cissy]

V-I don't read as often as I should, but I'd miss you. I know when we blog, we open ourselves up to hurting ourselves, hurting others without meaning to. We weigh the costs. For me, blogging has been a means to connect with people from everywhere. Some of met, in an odd way, even those whom I haven't met (like you) have become a part of my life. And, my life is better for that.Reading other blogs, writing on my own helps me cope with emotions. It's cheaper than therapy.

[littlepurplecow]

Stay true to you. I love this place.

[mamatulip]

I had similar feelings last fall when I shut down my blog and went on my hiatus. I'm glad that you haven't closed up shop...I'm sorry I missed this last week, but I gotta tell you, your words mean a lot to me.

[Peace]

I've been away and just got back to catching up with my favorite friends. Friends that I have never met in person, yet so real to me. I hope you are finding some peace with whatever happened. I would hate to lose this connection with my dear friend.