Compost Studios

I am a writer, nature lover, budding artist, photography enthusiast, and creative spirit reducing, reusing, and recycling midlife experiences through narrative, art, photos, and poetry. 

I can be reached at:

veronica@v-grrrl.com      

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Veronica McCabe Deschambault, V-Grrrl in the Middle, Compost StudiosTM

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Monday
Sep252006

Giving it a try

Most people spend the first half of their life learning from their mistakes. I spent my youth doing my best not to make any mistakes.

And this approach, which made me the darling of my parents and my teachers, was a mistake in itself. In the process of always trying to get it right, do my best, and earn admiration, I squelched any impulse to try anything that I might not be great at and focused exclusively on playing to my strengths and keeping my life “under control.” If I wasn’t sure I could excel at it, I didn’t want to try it. That mentality ruled until my 30s.

Then I had kids—the ultimate game of risk. Jumping into parenthood after 13 years of marriage was the bravest, boldest thing I’ve ever done. From the moment my son decided to be born 7 weeks ahead of his due date, I knew that life thereafter would be more about reacting to circumstances rather than controlling them. It was  clear there wasn’t any fail-proof formula that could guarantee positive results in the parenting arena. I remembered the words of one of E’s uncles who said, “If my kids succeed, I won’t take the credit, and if they fail, I won’t take the blame.” I finally understood what he meant.

Moving to Belgium felt a lot like having a baby—months of preparation, unexpected results, lots of ups and downs, the ordinary made difficult, and then after six months or so, an emerging sense of balance and appreciation and excitement for what lies ahead.

Now that I’m roughly halfway through my stay here and feeling less off kilter, it’s time to stretch my boundaries again and challenge myself. I’m pushing myself to advance my skills in areas of life where I’m decidedly “average” or worse than average. From taking more photos to working on my French to once again practicing yoga, I’m trying to allow myself to do more of what I’m not that great at. I’m also trying to step more fully into the mundane domestic tasks I love to avoid: things like baking, cooking, and ironing.

I don’t expect to master all these skills and habits or to miraculously become Super Grrrl. I just want to try to make some changes and accept less than perfect results.  September feels more like a time for resolutions than January, a time to rise to challenges large and small, to alter expectations, to explore new territory, even if all that means is taking a few a small steps down the road less traveled. 

September 25, 2006

Sunday
Sep242006

Where I live

I always plan to take photos of everyday sights in my corner of the world but I seldom get it done. Either I'm in too big a hurry when I leave the house or the weather or the light is uncooperative. I finally told myself to Just Do It and the results are in my Photo Album (link in the navigation bar to your right).

The shot of my front door in a big brick facade would make it seem the house was dark and dreary but it actually has walls on the back side that are floor to ceiling windows. Some day I'll photograph the interior!

The other shots are of my cobblestone driveway and brick sidewalk, the towering flower arrangement at the bus stop, and the dirt lane where I frequently go walking.

Happy Sunday Afternoon!

September 24, 2006

Thursday
Sep212006

Wondering

Shocked. Relieved. Unconcerned. Resigned. Anxious. Pissed. The whole (hole!) heart thing has me wondering. Part of me is relieved to learn what may be causing my heart arrhythmia, part of me is angry that this wasn't discovered when I first complained of heart issues five years ago, part of me is happy that maybe this can be fixed and I can finally get off medication, part of me is freaked out that I might have surgery on my heart and still have atrial fibrillation afterwards.

I called my cardiologist and discovered she's out of the office until October 9, my regular doctor had not seen the test results yet so I lack a lot of information. I have an appointment with the cardiologist on the day she gets back; my other doctor said not to worry because if I've made it this far in life with a hole in my heart, chances are it's not too serious. She'll call me if there's anything in the report I need to know before meeting with the cardiologist.

I don't have any details yet on the size of the hole, its exact location, or my treatment options. I've spent hours online reading about atrial fibrillation and holes in the heart. What I really want to know is if the hole in my heart is the cause of my arrhythmia or another heart issue to deal with. While the thought of surgery is scary, the idea of having a problem with a concrete solution is a relief. If the two conditions are unrelated, it probably means more monitoring and medication and possibly new symptoms over time--which is more than a little discouraging.

Holes in the heart are the most common congenital heart defect. Now that I know I have one, all sorts of incidents stand out in my mind. While I never fainted as a child or adult, I often felt like I was going to faint. I would get light-headed, see spots and the room darkening. I'd feel a hint of nausea and have to lie down immediately. My mom always attributed such episodes to "getting up too fast" or "standing too long." When I was an adult, I attributed those episodes to my very low blood pressure or getting too warm in a steamy shower.

When I was pregnant, I couldn't stand for more than 10 minutes without feeling faint. I couldn't go shopping, cook, or even wash dishes without taking frequent breaks. Even taking a shower was a problem. Beginning early in the pregnancy, I'd become breathless going up the stairs. Did my heart have something to do with those symptoms or were those just standard pregnancy conditions? I always thought it was normal, now I wonder.

On the other hand, I was a distance runner for years and have always exercised and never had an episode of feeling faint associated with exertion (though sometimes a flight of stairs can knock my heart out of rhythm now). I have had EKGs, ECGs, and stress tests and never showed a problem. My atrial fibrillation comes and goes and only if I'm carrying a heart monitor with me can I capture an episode for my doctor. It can last minutes or hours, be a fluttery feeling in my chest or a wild gallop. It first showed up in my late 30s, which according to the Mayo Clinic is the age adults who have not previously been diagnosed with a hole in the heart are most likely to exhibit symptoms--an irregular heartbeat being one on the list. Significant? Not significant? I don't know.

What I do know is that I probably won't get easy answers, even when I meet with the doctor, but that won't keep me from wishing for some.

Thank you for all the support, prayers, and good wishes,

V-Grrrl

September 21, 2006

Wednesday
Sep202006

The aftermath

The nurse told me the sedatives they’d administer during my transesophageal echocardiogram (TEE) would make me feel “like I’ve had a few pints.”

Which is why when I walked with E on wobbly legs back to the car, I sunk into the seat like a drunk, leaned my head on the base of the open window, and conked out  while he took care of paperwork inside the hospital.

When he got back to the car, he reclined my seat and I drifted in the limbo between being  asleep and awake, the warm September sunshine making everything in the car feel so cozy, my mind drifting like a leaf on a breeze.

Images slide behind my eyes and words float slowly through my brain, finally catching in my consciousness. Did the doctor tell me I have a hole in my heart? I think he did.

If I try I can conjure a blurry memory of his face hanging above mine and his words falling  “An opening in the membrane of the heart.”

My eyes and limbs are heavy. I won’t open them. I don’t want to wake up yet. I want to stay in the sunny safe place where I have not received bad news, where I can still wonder whether I really have a hole in my heart. Truth taps me on the shoulder and shakes me, truth courts my rational mind, which is opening ever so slowly, like a moonflower at dusk.

I'm starting to remember. When he spoke to me at the end of the procedure, my mind had grabbed on to the first part of what he had said: “No clots in the atria…” The words I was waiting for made it easy to let go of the rest: “but a hole in the membrane of your heart.”

We hear what we want to hear. We know what we want to know.

I’ll call my cardiologist when I’m ready to know more, when I’m ready to face what comes next--changes in medication? surgery?

Tuesday
Sep192006

Conversation with my Keyboard

Keyboard: What’s up with you? You’re dragging.

V-Grrrl: I’ve got a  cold, and tomorrow I have to go to the hospital for a cardiology test.

Keyboard: Sounds serious.

V-Grrrl: Well they’re going to thread a probe down my throat and esophagus so they can get detailed images of my heart chambers from the back side. Because of my incredible bustline, they can't get a good view from the front. (Snort). They want to go inside and check for clots.

Keyboard: Ewww.

V-Grrrl: No kidding. Heart snot. Who knew? I’ve been preoccupied with sinus and bronchial snot production…

Keyboard: So tomorrow you’re going to have to swallow your snot AND a probe?! This sounds like something they’d show on the Discovery Channel on Halloween.

V-Grrrl: Oooh, an exciting episode of “V-Grrrl and Her Chambers of Secrets”

Keyboard: “Chambers of Snot” is more like it.

V-Grrrl: All right already--enough of the snotty comments.

Keyboard: I'll shut up if  you cover your mouth when you cough. Hand me a Kleenex.

September 19, 2006

Monday
Sep182006

Affairs of the heart

It’s the middle of the day.

I take a long hot shower, wash and condition my hair, finger-comb it into loose waves.

Legs and underarms are shaved then shaved again. My apricot scrub exfoliates all exposed skin, which is then inspected for unwanted hair before being slathered with a rich moisturizing cream.

Heels are buffed and lotioned. Nails groomed. A light cologne spritzed on. I'm ready.

In my 20s, engaging in elaborate female grooming rituals in the middle of the day would mean something GOOD was about to come.

In my 40s, it means I’ve got a different sort of date planned--a chance to sit around (mostly) naked during an hour long visit with my cardiologist.

Here in Europe, doctors  don’t leave you in an examining room to change into a gown and return to uncover only what they need to see during the exam. No, everything here is done mostly au natural. Only the doctor gets to wear clothes. It makes me feel like a scientific specimen laid out for study.

Which I guess is what I am. Sigh.

I tell myself I shouldn’t be self-conscious. After all, all doctors have spent years dissecting cadavers, and while I may not look great, I know I look better than anything pulled out of a morgue’s drawer.

I smell better too. And did I mention my close shave?

Sitting (mostly) nude in the doctor’s office, I convince myself my pulse and low blood pressure are beauty assets, my throbbing blue veins contribute to my healthy glow. I try not to dwell on the electrodes, wires, cables, monitors, and sonograms that will evaluate whether I’m a good-hearted person or not. I try not to feel overexposed.

The truth is my heart has a tendency to be irregular. So does my psyche. Sigh. My physical and mental health are synchronized in their imperfections, something that is oddly satisfying and yet disturbing. What doesn’t balance on its own is kicked into its proper place with pharmaceuticals—thank God. May it ever be so.

Still, on the day they can't save me and I land in the drawer of the morgue wearing nothing but a sheet, I hope I have clean hair and shaved legs. A Grrrl without a pulse has to compensate for her imperfections.

September 18, 2006

Sunday
Sep172006

Shop Until You Drop

On Saturday, my fellow American Sandy Dee and I traveled to Ramstein, Germany, to check out a giant bazaar held at the military base there. Even though I’ve lived here 18 months now, I’ve never attended any of the famous Christmas markets and bazaars.

Sandy is a shopping pro and knows the ins and outs of the European shopping landscape whereas I barely know my way around the grocery store. When I first expressed interest in joining her on this shopping trip, I had no idea how far we’d be traveling. When Sandy told me we should hit the road by 6 a.m. to be at Ramstein when the doors opened, I paused for a long moment. When I learned it would take about 3 hours to get there, I considered that I had never driven more than 30 minutes to go shopping before. In Virginia I lived about an hour away from the second largest mall in the U.S.—and in 15 years I’d gone there exactly ONCE.

Sandy is a busy mother of four with a volunteer resume that includes more titles than most CEOs have. I knew if she thought this trip was worth the time and effort, it would be. Plus, it seemed a great opportunity for uninterrupted, unhurried conversations, a luxury in itself.

So a little after 5:30 a.m., I rolled out of bed, threw on some clothes, wrote notes to the kids, ate a container of yogurt, brushed my teeth, grabbed a jacket, and waited for headlights to illuminate the driveway.

Soon Sandy and I were on the road, the morning dark and damp. We hit fog and the grey misty weather held throughout the whole trip to Ramstein. We made good time, the miles disappearing as we talked about our families. We arrived at the base with enough time to grab a hot drink before the three huge airplane hangars full of booths opened to visitors.

I was impressed with the quantity and the quality of exhibits. No junk here. The best part was that the wares were all European. There were multiple booths featuring Polish pottery, heavy stoneware in traditional indigo blue, green, and brown patterns. I have a few Polish plates and a sugar bowl. I resisted the urge to buy more dishes ( a weakness of mine) and settled for some teabag holders and a pottery spoon for the sugar bowl. I passed on the Italian majolica and mosaic serving ware—not my thing. The fine china and table linens were nice to look at but I already have more of that than I use. There were vendors selling Turkish and Persian rugs and Italian leather bags.

There were booths with handknit Portuguese fisherman sweaters and traditional Norwegian ski sweaters and cardigans. A German vendor had a big selection of  loden wool coats and even leiderhosen. There were English tweed hats and scarves, Irish wool capes, and sheepskin boots and slippers from Australia. A number of booths exhibited Russian Christmas ornaments, handpainted and laquered by a well-known family of artists. They also sold folklore Santas, each hand carved and painted, no two the same. There were dozens and dozens of German nutcrackers and “smokers” and wooden ornaments of all varieties.

Several vendors had jewelry boxes and music boxes. I watched in amazement as an artist used a chisel to carve an elaborate scrolled pattern on a painted box. He worked freehand on the symmetrical design, somehow getting the curves and pattern to match. I stopped to admire the work of every jeweler, some working with beads, others with gemstones.  There were exhibits of Venetian glass and Italian cameos.

Sandy had come to Ramstein looking for a cupboard for her kitchen. There were numerous furniture and antique dealers. Unlike American antiques, which are often of the homespun, clean-lined variety, European antiques frequently feature elaborate carving and decorative elements. I’m not an antique collector but the furniture was beautiful.

We checked out a display of painted antique cupboards, done by a German furniture maker. The pieces dated to the 19th century and had been repaired and then elaborately painted with scenes depicting country life or medieval villages. They were truly enchanting. An armoire, stained a dusty green with dark red trim and painted with scenes depicting the four seasons in the door panels was my favorite. It cost more than $4,000.

Sandy found the perfect cupboard for her kitchen, a smaller pine piece dating to 1863. There were two medieval scenes painted on it. The bazaar had only been open for a little more than an hour and nearly every item this vendor had brought with him had been sold. While I “guarded” the cupboard, Sandy tried to reach her husband on her cell phone. No luck. She debated the purchase back and forth and then decided to go for it. Once the deal was done, she knew she’d found exactly what she was looking for and hoped her husband would like it too.

For the rest of the day, I bought Christmas presents, knocking name after name off my list, treated myself to a new pair of Birkenstocks, which cost less than half as much in Germany as they do in the U.S. After combing through every corner of the bazaar, we went on to Ramstein’s PX and commissary, enjoying the big selection of American products.

At 7:30 p.m., after eating at a Taco Bell ( Mexican food in Europe is a luxury), we headed back. The dark German highway and multiple detours turned us around once or twice, but finally we arrived home just before 11 p.m. I had never shopped so much in a single day in my entire life. Our wallets and stamina were exhausted, but we were both glad we’d gone and already talking about finishing up our holiday shopping at another market next month.

September 17, 2006

Thursday
Sep142006

Stuck

...in the kitchen supervising homework for hours after school, reconciling what's been done and what hasn't been done on three weeks worth of school work. We have until Monday to make up  all those missing assignments. Yesterday it took at least two hours to do just that day's assignments.  Anticipating a weekend of homework hell. I hope it rains. I wish I had a Valium--or ten--to get me through. 

My washing machine is leaking, and I don't know who to call to get it replaced (it's a loaner and I can't find the file with the contact info on it because it was delivered in the midst of our move). It's been really hot, and E and the kids are involved in sports so we're generating tons of sweaty laundry. I'm desperate. I keep using the washer and letting it dump big puddles of water on the floor because I can't stop doing laundry or I. Will. Never. Catch. Up.

I wonder about living a life that revolves around bleaching underwear and getting mud stains out of socks .

I've spent so many hours at the school this week dealing with crises of various natures that I've had very little time to deal with domestic duties. And to make matters worse, I've been so exhausted babysitting parenting one child that the other has gotten absolutely nothing from me. Triple the effort, double the guilt.

 E left on a trip today and no sooner did he go out the door that the water softener in the basement started beeping. It's out of some key chemical that can only be purchased by the plumber at a contractor supply store. The alarm won't stop beeping, the instructions on the freakin thing are in German, and I just want to scream. Or take a hammer to it. That would be singularly satisfying. 

As I type this, I have a child sobbing over a missing pet rock named Spicky. I am not making this up. Spicky has a special bed, a habitat, and its own plate at the dinner table. (And you thought the Addams Family was full of freaks.)  I ought to be crying. Spicky was the best pet we've ever had at Chez V. Ya gotta love something that doesn't shed, eat, make noise, excrete, require shots, a cage, or boarding. Who knew that damn pebble could break hearts?

A perfect GPA and I'm unemployed, drowning in housework and homework with mildew growing in the shower stall, dust coating every flat surface, spiders and cobwebs taking over the corners, and piles of laundry everywhere. I was voted Most Likely to Succeed, and I live with an elementary school dropout and a kid having a nervous breakdown over a geological formation. Where did I go wrong?

I want to outsource my life. 

I know there are bigger problems in the world. Tonight I'm too self-centered to care.

Thanks for listening.

September 14, 2006.

Wednesday
Sep132006

Speak to me...

Like most expats, we’re part-time tourists, traveling through Belgium and other parts of Europe on weekends and holidays.

While we have a shelf full of guidebooks, we often we rely on the Web to get up-to-date information on nearby historical and cultural sites and other attractions. It’s the ultimate one-stop information resource—providing photos, background, maps, directions, and hours of operation for countless tourist spots.

However, here’s the glitch: while the information at the official Web sites for many attractions may be in English, that doesn’t mean any of the interpretive signs, brochures, guides, or tours will be. It is more than a little annoying to see that someone has invested the time and money in an English-language Web site to lure English-speaking tourists to their business and then fails to address their needs adequately once they’ve bought their tickets.

The museum at Bouillon, exploring the city’s history from the Middle Ages forward, has an English language brochure describing the museum in general terms but nothing describing the intriguing items in the exhibits. On the day we visited in May, we were the ONLY guests, and yet the dour young woman who took our money and spoke English seemed less than happy when we politely asked her about items on display. The castle at Bouillon was fascinating, but would have been more interesting if only we knew what we were looking at.

The caverns at Han have a Web site in English promising multi-language guided tours. After we purchased our tickets and took the special train up to the cave’s entrance, we discovered multi-language tours meant you could queue in a line to follow a Flemish OR a French tour guide. Oh.

The living museum at Bjorik has audio guides in English available for rent. These were excellent resources and very well done. However, there’s a limited number of them available, and the day we visited with friends from America, there weren’t enough to serve our small group.

A friend of mine visiting Brugge in August asked a tour operator if his guided tour was also delivered in English. “Yes! Our tours are in English,” he replied.

Not a lie, but not exactly true either. She and her party bought their tickets, got on the boat, and the guide launched into a long and lively monologue in Flemish, speaking with great expression, pointing vigorously to various buildings, and cracking jokes that the Flemish-speaking tourists all laughed at. Then he’d turn quickly to the English-speaking members of the group and say, “This is the town hall,” before once again resuming a colorful and detailed history with the Flemish speaking tourists.

This sort of thing happens over and over and over again.

Now I understand that my lack of language skills cannot be accommodated everywhere, and I certainly don’t expect that. However, if a tourist attraction advertises and promotes itself in English, then it should be prepared to handle English-speaking tourists when they arrive. A brochure, an audio guide, or a friendly member of the staff available to answer questions makes all the difference.

September 14, 2006

© 2006 Veronica McCabe Deschambault. All rights reserved.

Tuesday
Sep122006

And it all comes tumbling down....

Child development experts will tell you children go in and out of periods of stability and instability as they develop. I know from personal experience that’s true. Growing up isn’t the neat linear experience we’d like for it to be, with each milestone stacking neatly on top of the other as a child matures.  No, every so often the whole tower of blocks comes tumbling down with a dramatic crash, and we’re forced to rebuild, while our children do their best to kick the pieces out of reach.

These one step forward, two steps back intervals in parenting are exhausting, frustrating, and mind-numbing. Walking the floor with a colicky baby is its own form of torture but at least you know it’s not the baby’s fault. It’s hard to feel the same way with an older child who just doesn't like school. Then again, I didn't like school myself. Then again, I succeeded in spite of that.

Assignments and books "forgotten." Homework not done or done but not turned in. Directions not read or not followed. Papers lost or jammed into a desk cubby. Folders meant to organize the papers in a state of complete disarray. Nothing filed in its proper place, old papers  mixed with new ones, subjects mixed together, nothing dated--a nightmare.

Every day, we struggle over school and homework.  Three weeks into the school year and our blocks are tumblimg down. We try incentives, we try encouragement, we tutor when necessary, we deliver long lectures, we revoke privileges, we ground. We end up fighting with the child in question, fighting with each other, and if we’re honest, fighting the urge to bang our heads against the wall.  So smart, so much potential, so much waste.

All we can do is keep plugging along, stay on message, be consistent, and remind ourselves that this unpleasant interlude will pass, that peace will come again to Chez V, sooner, we hope, not later.

September 12, 2006